Crying Baby Mario from Yoshi’s Island!

“But your honor, I tore apart that drugstore, punched all the customers in the face, torched the place and then took a bat to all of the cars in the parking lot because the sound of that piece of shit Baby Mario crying is stuck in a crevice in my brain and I want it out!” is probably a defense that many criminal bitches used in court in the 90s and I bet it worked.

In Super Mario World 2: Yoshi’s Island, which came out in 1995, you are Yoshi the dinosaur and you have to help Baby Mario save Baby Luigi who was kidnapped by King Koopa’s son. As you make your way through the land, you have to carry Baby Mario’s annoying, high-maintenance ass on your back and whenever you get hit by an enemy, he floats off in a bubble and you have to get him back in a certain amount of time or you lose a life. Every time Baby Mario falls off your back, he starts bitching and whining like Justin Bieber whenever his au pair doesn’t make the choo choo sound while feeding him a spoonful of banana and weed mash. Yoshi must have an endless supply of Xanax, because anybody else would bid adieu to that chillón and hop off to their dino cave to play Zelda in peace.

Someone, who really missed their calling of being a ruthless dictator since they know how to bring pain upon the people, created a weapon of mass nerve destruction in the form of a YouTube video of Baby Mario crying for 12 hours straight. This is probably what @twitter’s mentions sound like whenever they change shit:

You know, this video can also be used as fool-proof birth control. When a dude and a chick are bareback boning, they just have to play this video and as soon as he busts one, those sperm fish will swim right back into his dick slit as her ovaries pull down a storefront metal gate. At least Crying Baby Mario is good for something.

Martika (47)
Spencer Breslin (24)
Ryan Cooley (28)
Alan Leech (35)
Matt Long (36)
Jack Johnson (41)
Chantal Kreviazuk (42)
Teresa Giudice (44)
Tina Fey (46)
Sandra (54)
Chow Yun-Fat (61)
George Strait (64)
Terry Zwigoff (67)
Reggie Jackson (70)
Miriam Margolyes (75)
Robert Morse (85)

Pic: Martika

“You know what’s awesome? I like wearing no shirt, but you have jeans on the bottom. It’s cool but it’s not” is just one of the beautiful lines of frat boy wisdom that came out of Gronk’s mouth during his interview with GQ. If Gronk’s words could be liquefied, they’d make an extra-powerful douche that would put Summer’s Eve out of business for good – Celebitchy

E!’s new scripted show The Arrangement should be titled The Couch Jumper, because it’s pretty much about Tommy Cruise and Katie Holmes’ contract marriage. I am all for it, but getting Michael Vartan to play the “David Miscavige” is just wrong. They should’ve cast a really bossy garden gnome instead – Lainey Gossip 

Julia Roberts does have a look in her eyes that says, “This one’s for you, Quentin Tarantino.” – Drunken Stepfather

Vicki Gunvalson’s new piece looks like Reno, NV’s fifth most popular Frankie Avalon impersonator – Reality Tea

Xtina thought that Hillary Clinton eye fucking her tits was awesome – The Superficial

Now that Kyle Richards has worn pointy shoulder pads, can the trend finally be taken out back and shot? – Popoholic

Krysten Ritter is giving me magician’s assistant glamour – Popoholic

The Backstreet Boys got into a hot tub with a bunch of their fans, and I don’t think that’s bubbles and foam in there… – SOW

Dr. Luke won’t let Kesha perform at the Billboard Music Awards, so basically he’s Ursula, because HER VOICE forever belongs to him – Jezebel

More of Gronk being Gronk – Towleroad

My 8-year-old self who asked my mom to only buy me lady villain action figures doesn’t understand this – Pajiba

Petra Nemcova brought the demure elegance by wearing sheer drapes as a top – Egotastic!

Chloe Grace Moretz’s dress looks like a really disorganized lingerie drawer – IDLYITW

I can’t wait for this movie about the dark side of the tickling fetish world. I bet that the evil mastermind who is bullying all those dudes turns out to be… Tickle Me Elmo! – OMG Blog

And here’s Leonardo DiCatchAHo getting on a piece in a club, because you haven’t seen that 4,342,123 times before – Popsugar

The woman who is suing Bill Cosby for allegedly drugging and assaulting her has pulled Hugh Hefner into the lawsuit – HuffPo

Pic: GQ

Being a child of the 80s and 90s, I probably should keep up with the changes to Mark-Paul Gosselaar’s face, but I don’t. So when I saw these pictures of Zack Morris at yesterday’s Fox Upfronts, where he promoted the show Pitch, I thought that the photo agency mislabeled them and it was really Roger Bart with a couple of merkins glued to his face. But it really is Zack Morris and I didn’t even know it was possible for him to grow actual hair on his face. Preppy got hairy! Back in the day, he looked like he fell out of the twink section of Grindr and now he looks like he fell out of the bear section.

Zack Morris today looks like an overworked stock broker who calls everyone “champ” and is known at the local strip club for drunkenly crying onto a stripper’s lap while complaining about how much he hates his wife and kids. What I’m saying is that I prefer my Zack Morris like this. I’d hit it and I wouldn’t even mind if he was on his brick phone the whole time.

Pics: Splash

Sad. When two people who love each other so much they both start to morph into the His n’ Hers version of an Urban Outfitters manager can’t make it work, what hope do the rest of us have?

According to UsWeekly, almost one year since they dumped their relationship in the trash the first time, Emma Roberts and Evan Peters are calling it quits again. Multiple sources say that it was “amicable“, a word which is tied with the phrase “over the moon” for the most popular adjective to describe how a famous person is feeling about something that has happened in their personal life. Emma and Evan got with each other way back in 2012 on the set of a movie, and then got engaged in 2014. Based on a statistic I just made up, two breakups usually mean the wedding probably isn’t going to happen. With that being said, I wonder which of them will get custody of Ryan Murphy?

Not much else is known about why 25-year-old Emma and 29-year-old Evan couldn’t make it work a second time. My guess is that it ended because Emma told Evan who the Red Devil was two episodes into Scream Queens, and Evan decided he just couldn’t be with the type of person who was so casual about spoilers. That, or Evan’s chiropractor gave him the bad news that ducking so many slaps and punches had put his neck at risk for a C7 vertebrae fracture and that just one more fight could snap his spine.

Here’s Emma holding a purse that looks like a Muppets’ diaphragm at the FOX Upfronts yesterday, and Evan at the UK premiere of X-Men: Apocalypse last week.

Pics: Wenn.com

And I’m booing at Kristen Stewart for those sad, flaccid middle fingers. If you’re going to double flip a trick off, do it with feeling. Those middle fingers are like a sad, soft whisper. I’m surprised she gets so much ass with that tragic finger action. But I digress!

Now that KStew is done with promoting Cafe Society, the movie that turtle turd Woody Allen directed her in, she has moved on to pushing her other new movie Personal Shopper at Cannes. Personal Shopper was directed by Olivier Assayas, who directed her in Clouds of Sils Maria, and it’s about a personal shopper who is also a medium. Kristen Stewart as a ghost whisperer makes sense. The ghosts probably talk to her ass because they think she’s one of them: dead and cold. The movie’s reviews have been mixed, but many critics have said that Kristen Stewart gives the performance of her career, and I’m going to take that to mean that she blinks and lip bites like she’s never blinked and lip bit before.

Apparently, not everyone loved it and some audience members hit the screen with a wave of boos after it ended. Variety says that a press conference for the movie today, KStew rolled her eyes and said it was just a few people who booed. Olivier said that they probably booed because his movie’s ending is just too arty for them.

Stewart and the rest of the “Personal Shopper” cast interjected to note that the harsh reaction was not universal. “Hey, everyone did not boo,” Stewart said with a chuckle.

At another point, Assayas argued that the audience was put off by the film’s ambiguous closing. “It happens to me once in a while where people just don’t get the ending,” he said.

Booing at Cannes is kind of a thing. Pulp Fiction, Taxi Driver and The Tree of Life were all hit with boos when they screened at Cannes.

But are they sure the booing came from living humans? Are we sure those boos didn’t come from actual ghosts who were cheering over their kind getting some screen time? And I bet that Kristen Stewart loves that the movie was booed. She’d probably be grossed out if they clapped and gave the movie a standing ovation, because that would mean it’s loved by the mainstream and eww at that.

Here’s more of KStew at the photo call for Personal Shopper today.

Pics: Wenn.com