Dancing With The Stars contestant and human “duh” Ryan Lochte is still facing charges in Rio for filing a false police report. It turns out that the Brazilian legal system is unimpressed by tearful televised apologies, shaking your ass on a reality show and getting quickie engaged so everyone forgets you’re a walking bottle of AXE body spray. All of those attempts to rehab his image were for naught. Fish is still on the menu in Rio’s courthouse cafeteria!

TMZ reports that Aqua-douche’s lawyers tried to have the court case against him thrown out. As you know, Ryan filed a police report and told the world that he and his merry band of underwater frat brahs were held at gunpoint and robbed by dastardly thieves posing as cops after a post-Olympics party in Rio. But the truth was that Ryan vandalized a gas station with his mitts and his piss and security guards rolled up looking for money to pay for damages (or something). The language barrier might have led to some confusion, but Ryan Lochte is still an entitled pinhead in any dialect.

A judge ruled “Eu não penso assim, douche” on the dismissal request and even gave it an upgrade.

A rep for the Court of Justice tells TMZ … a Rio judge kicked Ryan’s false police report case up to the public Ministry of Justice, which will now begin figuring out how hefty of a fine to drop on Lochte.

Jimmy Feigen was the other swimbo in the group to file a report and he had to pay a fine of $11,000 as punishment. Ryan’s fine will probably be higher seeing as he was the mastermind behind all of these tantics. And I should be fined for using the term “mastermind” in conjunction with anything involving Ryan Lochte.

Pic: WENN

The NY Daily News reports that adult film star Jessica Drake has become the 12th woman to come forward in recent weeks to accuse pig in a wig presidential candidate Donald Trump of alleged skeevy behavior. In related news, Donald revealed that he plans to sue all of his accusers after the election. Tiny-Hands’ situation hasn’t reached DEFCON level Bill Cosby territory just yet, but it’s getting there.

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Froze Toes ice cream bar, straight from the ice cream truck!

Thanks to Miranda Sings and that Haters Back Off show on Netflix, Froze Toes from the ice cream truck has finally gotten its time in the spotlight.

When I was a kid and had enough money for extravagant purchases like frozen bars of processed deliciousness from the ice cream truck, I mostly spent my coins on either the crown jewel of ice cream trucks, the Pink Panther pop, or a Strawberry Shortcake. But whenever I felt like showing the kids how edgy I was, I made a controversial decision by buying a Froze Toes. (This was before my mom forbid our asses from buying from the ice cream man because her sister heard a story about how one ice cream man killed a kid and stuffed the child in his freezer. But I digress….)

A Froze Toes pop (also sometimes called a Funny Feet or Big Toe pop) was an ice cream foot with a gumball on its big toe. I don’t really remember what it tasted like, but I do remember that chewing on the frozen gumball was like chewing on stale taffy. And now that I look at it in its natural state, it looked more like Mama June’s Forklift Foot with a giant boil that’s about to pop.

Froze Toes was discontinued a while ago, but apparently pops like it are still sold at a few ~select~ ice cream trucks. But I bet that when Froze Toes was discontinued, Quentin Tarantino bought all the back stock and he keeps them in a giant freezer in his garage. Because you know that after a long stressful day, he loves nothing more than to deep throat a Froze Toes.

Pics: Pinterest, Electrik Relaxation

Ryan Reynolds (40)
Amandla Stenberg (18)
Ireland Baldwin (21)
Emilia Clarke (30)
Briana Evigan (30)
Jessica Stroup (30)
Miguel (31)
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Dr. Sanjay Gupta (47)
Brooke Theiss (47)
Augusten Burroughs (51)
Robert Trujillo (52)
Doug Flutie (54)
Nancy Grace (57)
Sam Raimi (57)
Weird Al Yankovic (57)
Martin Luther King III (59)
Dwight Yoakam (60)
Ang Lee (62)
Michael Rupert (65)
Pelé (76)
Baby Jane Holzer (76)
Philip Kaufman (80)
Barron Hilton (89)

Pic: GQ

I live in a world (Boston) in which Tom Brady can do no wrong. Tom Brady could be mean to Betty White and he’d still remain beloved here in the Hub. Tom Brady had this hairstyle and his every word and action is still celebrated. Let’s put it this way – he’s a Trump fan and people still adore him. The following video is going to be porn to a lot of horny Bostonian Brady fans. Ben Affleck has already adjourned to a private corner of his mansion with his smartphone to enjoy this.

Dude won’t go near a strawberry but candy’s on the menu. Strawberries should take this weirdness personally.

Here’s Tom eating candy in slow motion.

Joe Jonas is deep into the “I’ve Got A Big Dick And I’ve Used It, Damnit!” 2016 Press Tour. He’s already found it necessary to fuck-and-tell about losing his V-card to Ashley Greene (she appreciated it) and now he’s revealed to Notion (via People) that his dad once caught him using the Jonas family computer for jerking off purposes. Your dad’s a guy, Joe. I hate to tell you this but he was probably booting up the pc that time for the same purpose. This is why everybody needs their own laptops when their kids hit puberty. Crossing familial porn streams is gross. I have two brothers. I know what I’m talking about.

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