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Open Post: Hosted By Martha Stewart Promising To Give Us More Thirst Traps
Over her storied career, Martha Stewart has taught us many valuable lessons, such as how to host the perfect party for your WASPy friends, how to make an orange jumpsuit work all year round, and, most importantly, how to PROPERLY set out a thirst trap. She may be an octogenarian, but Martha can out-pose any 22-year-old Instagram influencer. And according to her, there’s no stopping her hot posts!
Quentin Tarantino Confirms That His Tenth Movie Will Be His Last Because Cinema Is Dead!
It’s finally happened. Acclaimed director Quentin Tarantino has had enough of filming violence, heady dialogue, and women’s bare feet for the big screen. It was rumored that his Tarantino’s 10th film will be his last, and he’s confirmed it in a France Inter radio interview. Pour one out for film bros and foot fetishists everywhere.
Open Post: Hosted By The Crazy “Phantom” Cat Shaver Of The UK
If you own a cat in England or Scotland, beware. There’s a phantom cat shaver on the loose! Some strange person with an apparent cat hair aversion is wandering the streets of the UK, giving felines a shave and a haircut without their permission. Local pet lovers and authorities are baffled, and, unfortunately, the perpetrator is still on the loose. I wish this story were an April Fool’s Day joke because no pussy should involuntarily go hairless!
Twitter’s Free Blue Checkmarks End Today And Celebrities Don’t Want To Pay
Remember when Elon Musk was forced to buy Twitter for billions even though he was joking about buying it in the first place but then pretended he wanted to own it all along so that he could create a platform that promoted free speech. Instead, he slowly broke it (while also slowly becoming broke) because he kept trying to make people like him? From messing with the algorithm to charging spammers users $8 for a coveted blue verification tick, Twitter is somehow still around despite Elon’s genius ideas. And even though his Twitter Blue subscription model isn’t going as well as he hoped, the Boss Baby is doubling down on the concept. Twitter recently announced that legacy verified users would lose their blue ticks unless they pay up by April 1st. Unfortunately for him, the plan is going about as well, using dank memes to win Grimes back.
Open Post: Hosted By Dick Van Dyke Letting Us Know That He’s Ok After His Accident
After reading that Dick Van Dyke was in ANOTHER car accident, my first thought was, “He’s alive, thank GOD!” followed by, “Someone get this guy a chauffeur!” It’s unlikely that my latter wish will come true, but at least we will have Dick to treat us to more of his bizarrely charming Instagram posts for the foreseeable future. He’s just got a few scrapes from his automotive whoopsie, which he happily showed off to paps on Friday. There’s no stopping Dick’s effervescence! (Somebody should stop his car accidents, though.)
Jonathan Majors Was Arrested For Domestic Assault And Denies Any Wrongdoing (UPDATE)
In terrible news that probably reflects one of the fastest falls from grace in a while, Jonathan Majors was arrested in New York City. According to the NYPD, he was accused of assaulting a 30-year-old woman in a domestic dispute. Horrible, scary, and fucked-up stuff. Excuse me while I go watch videos of turtles eating tiny pancakes.