Cameron Diaz Wants To Talk To You About Your Bush

First of all, Happy New Year to all! I hope everyone had a safe and wonderful holiday and that whoever you kissed at midnight didn’t give you mouth herpes.

Let’s just dive right into an excerpt from Cameron Diaz’s The Body Book (via Radar) from the “In Praise of Pubes” section because who doesn’t want to keep the nausea going past the first of the year? YOU’RE WELCOME.

“I hear that there’s a big fad these days of young women undergoing laser hair removal on all of their lady bits,” Diaz writes. “… Personally, I think permanent laser hair removal sounds like a crazy idea. Forever? I know you may think you’ll be wearing the same style of shoes forever and the same style of jeans forever, but you won’t. The idea that vaginas are preferable in a hairless state is a pretty recent phenomenon, and all fads change, people.”

Then — fair warning — Diaz gets a little graphic. “Pubic hair also serves as a pretty draping that makes it a little mysterious to the one who might be courting your sexiness,” Diaz intones. “Pubes keep the goods private, which can entice a lover to come and take a closer look at what you have to offer. Also, let’s be honest: just like every other part of your body, your labia major is not immune to gravity. Do you really want a hairless vagina for the rest of your life?”

She continues, “It’s a personal decision, but I’m just putting it out there: Consider leaving your vagina fully dressed, ladies. Twenty years from now, you will still want to be presenting it to someone special, and it would be nice to let him or her unwrap it like the gift that it is.”

Cameron, Cameron, Cameron. Unless you have some seriously mutant pube shit happening, vaginas ARE hairless because that’s the part on the inside. I’m all for anybody doing their bush up however they please- Brazilian, landing strip, shaving everything but the bikini line so it looks like sideburns, or a full-on Afro Circus getup complete with rainbow colors; I. Don’t. Care. But if you’re going to wax poetic about something like that, at least get your terminology right. Thanks a fucking lot for the imagery of sagging puss lips, too. Do they have a version of kegels for the outside? I’m uh… asking for a friend.

If you’re still with me (and haven’t gone to Google that labia kegel thing and if you have, please email me for purely scientific purposes), the last part of what Cameron wrote sounds like it belongs on an abstinence pamphlet at a parochial school. No offense, Cammy, but I definitely want my bush whacked back a little when I “present my gift” to that special someone and by “special someone”, I mean whoever has the misfortune of getting an upskirt shot when I fall off my barstool on Friday night.

Another Day, Another Set Of Jennifer Aniston Bikini Pics

Usually my feelings toward Jennifer Aniston go between complete indifference and minor interest. The former 97% of the time and the latter when Friends reruns are on and I’m feeling nostalgic about 1995’s Must See TV schedule. Today I’m filled with so much ugly, misplaced anger that I’m pretty sure if I looked in a mirror, a mash up of Chris Brown’s face and Nancy Grace’s nostrils would be staring back at me. Two days ago I was in California. Granted, it’s not the sun and fun of Cabo where Jen is vacationing for the bajillionth time with her friends, but I came home to the Midwest temperatures below zero, so I’m having a hard time mustering up any enthusiasm for those in a warmer climate. For my say something nice: Jen looks good, decidedly not pregnant, I’m not getting any shades of jealousy or anger over the Holy Brood That Must Not Be Named and she looks a lot less like a wax statue of herself than usual.

Also pictured are Jennifer’s fiancé Justin Theroux, BFF Courteney Cox who looks a little less Lady Elaine Fairchilde in the face thanks to the blurriness that comes with a telephoto lens and Howard Stern wearing an ensemble out of the Harpo Marx beachwear collection.

(Pics: Splash, FameFlynet)

Dwyane Wade Confirms He Knocked Up A Woman Who Isn’t Gabrielle Union

Miami Heat basketball player Dwyane Wade confirmed Monday during a press conference (via USWeekly) that his fuckparts touched the fuckparts of a woman who is NOT fiancée Gabrielle Union during a break in their relationship and result was a third baby for Dwyane. He has two other children with ex-wife Siohvaughn Funches (thanks for the myriad of suggestions for that one, autocorrect) and despite the sordid circumstances surrounding the new addition, Dwyane called it a blessing.

“I had a time, a part in our break, in our pain and our hurt, a blessing came out of it in my life, having a son that was born healthy,” Wade said during a press conference Monday evening, as reported by the Sun Sentinel. “So I’m moving on.”

“I was dealing with my injuries, trying to win a championship, so we kinda took a step back,” the NBA superstar told Jay Leno back in September during an appearance on The Tonight Show.

On Monday evening, Wade added, “But, like I said, this is something, obviously, private for my family that we will continue to deal with as a family. But we have a blessing to the bloodline, to the Wade bloodline.“

All I can hear in my head is Ross Gellar yelling, “WE WERE ON A BREAK!” It looks like that dick wasn’t on a break, though. I know when I’m injured (recovering from forgetting the baby gate is up and trying to bust through it like the Kool-Aid man) and trying to win a championship (attempting to beat my seven year old at Mario Kart), my first priority is to find someone to hump on. Getting your fuck on cures all that ails until it comes back to bite you in the ass in the form of child support payments and a fiancée who is going to slap a LoJack on your junk so you can’t park it in anybody else’s garage.

Entertainment Tonight, which first reported the story, says Dwyane has known the woman for years and that Gabrielle was aware of the pregnancy. A surprise baby and that ring was only 8.5 carats? There seems to be some room for improvement with the gold digging here.

(Pic: Splash)

Open Post: Hosted By The Most Patient Robber Ever

Dumb crook stories are the best. Nothing makes me happier than watching some thieving idiot get their ass handed to them by a badass clerk wielding a fucking machete or by a parking curb or some shit. This story is from Pompano Beach, Florida (a total shocker, I’m sure) where a robber walked into a CVS drug store and held up the cashier with a handgun. She must be fresh out of new hire orientation or has wholeheartedly embraced the lowly retail worker motto of “YOU DO NOT PAY ME ENOUGH FOR THIS SHIT” because she told the robber that she needed to check with her manager before allowing him to hold her up.

Most people with half a brain wouldn’t wait around for the day shift supervisor to amble up to the front from his permanent “office” in the break room but this motherfucker did. I guess the robber can’t be that stupid because his patience paid off. He left with hundreds of dollars despite giving the employees plenty of time to call the police. At least the cashier will be able to blame the loss on her boss. Way to throw him under the bus, girl!

(Via Newsvine)

It Must Be Nice To Be Able To Spend $106k On Dildos and Booze

What better way to celebrate owning the collective asses of every other current recording artist than dropping a shitload of money on fuck toys? According to Radar, Beyonce and Jay-Z went to sex shop Babeland the day after Christmas and dropped $6,000. I’m trying to not be jealous that there are people on the planet who can spend six grand on ho shit. I’m also trying to not be jealous that the next day, TMZ reports Bey and Jay spent nearly $100,000 on booze at a nightclub in Atlanta.

I’m not pointing fingers, I’m just saying it’s a possibility my guidance counselor in high school was asleep at the wheel when she failed to suggest a life path that would take me on a road paved with high end dildos and top shelf booze.

An insider at Babeland gave a few details on the purchases:

“They didn’t buy anything tacky or too extreme,” the insider tells Radar exclusively. “It was all top-of-the-line stuff. Some of it was even gold-plated!”

What is the fucking point of buying sex shit if at least some of it isn’t extreme or tacky, even if it’s just for jokes? I can’t pretend to know a damn thing about how the 1% lives, but having a friend who has been given the high honor of going to your house if you die suddenly to take all your sex shit so your mom doesn’t find it feels like it should transcend all economic statuses. Maybe I’m just an asshole with a sick sense of humor, but I want to leave this world knowing someone will spend the rest of their life getting a full body shudder whenever they think about the rubber fisting mitten they found under my bed.

The only thing that would make this story even better is an update that Jay-Z went back to Babeland, demanding to return a butt plug that gave him nothing but problems and when he steps aside, Kanye was standing there. Fingers crossed!

(Pic: Splash)

Another Amazing Parenting Moment From Kris Jenner

Just when I thought Kris Jenner couldn’t be more of an asshole, the curtain gets pulled back a little more and all I can see are horns, cloven hooves and red eyes glowing in the dark. Khloe Kardashian did an interview with Cosmopolitan UK (via Daily Mail) and said this:

‘She didn’t mean harm, but when I was around nine I overheard my mom telling her friend I needed a nose job,‘ revealed the reality star. 

‘I was shocked; I hadn’t even thought about it,‘ she said.

Since this is PMK we’re talking about, I’m sure she hinted at future improvements the minute Khloe was delivered (by scheduled c-section, of course). She probably held all her kids up to the light, tilting them this way and that while hissing, “Yessss, we can work with thisssss“. Hell, I’d bet she did the same thing with Bruce before agreeing to go out with him.

Khloe should have known the Play-Doh sets her mother gave her for Christmas were for the sole purpose of learning to mold her own post-op look. Maybe she put two and two together whenever Kris slapped Khloe’s hand away from her face whenever Khloe wanted to play Got Your Nose. Kris couldn’t afford to have anybody else touch that mangled blob of Silly Putty. One pinch and the entire thing would collapse on itself, leaving Kris looking like Mrs. Doubtfire’s face after it was run over by a truck.