Any trick who says that getting contact drunk isn’t possible has never gotten drunk while staring at that picture.
The producers of Celebrity Big Brother in the UK must have sprained every muscle in their arm, because they have climbed to the top of the highest ladder and are reaching far for the brightest, biggest and A-listiest stars of Hollywood. Case in point: They want Lindsay Lohan’s former pimp Dina Lohan to join the cast. So yeah, when I said that they are reaching for the stars, what I meant is that they are going way beyond the bottom of the barrel. They have picked up the barrel, turned it around and are picking off the worms that cling to its bottom. They might as well change the name of Celebrity Big Brother to Not Even Close To A Celebrity Big Brother.
A source tells TMZ (FYI: “A source” in Latin means “Dina Lohan“) that White Oprah really, really wants to do Celebrity Big Brother, but Lindsay Lohan really, really wants her to turn it down. White Oprah apparently called LiLo on Thursday to tell her the news and you’d think she’d be happy. I mean, White Oprah finally got an actual job that pays actual money for a few weeks. But LiLo isn’t having it. LiLo feels like she’s finally gotten her shit together and if White Oprah comes to England, that mess will fuck it all up for her. LiLo thinks that her mom is a bad luck charm and that foolery follows her wherever she goes. They fought over the phone and then continued to slap at each other through texts.
White Oprah doesn’t think that LiLo can ban her from a country, so she’s planning to go to England anyway.
I see what’s really going on here. It’s pure jealousy at work. How dreadful. LiLo is obviously mad that the producers asked her mom instead of her. LiLo’s thoughts continue to be powered by delusion. Why would the producers ask her? They would never get insurance and they’d have to build a hospital next to the CBB house to treat all the bitches who LiLo hits on the head with a bottle. Besides, White Oprah’s grace, elegance, sophistication and charismatic star power will really class that show up!
And well, we can expect England to declare war on America for sending not one, but two, cracked out messes of mass destruction.
Hold on – why is there blonde hair behind Oprah’s back??? Is someone hiding behind her? Oh wait, it’s probably just White Oprah mining her pockets for cash while her daughter distracts her. “I already told you, if you need some more wine-money, just ask me for a second season of Lindsay!” – Oprah.
Speaking of a second season Lindsay, the biggest little train-wreck on television this side of a True Tori marathon, Lindsay Lohan believes there will be a second season. Oprah flew to London to watch the Apricot Ashtray’s performance Speed-The-Plow on Saturday, and Lindsay made sure to Instagram a picture of it as proof (apparently Lupita Nyong’o was there as well, but did take a picture with Linds, probably because she’s still recovering from the last time she met a crazy-eyed red-haired smoky-voiced attention-starved creature).
But maybe Oprah wasn’t there just to watch Lindsay maybe fuck up her lines or break the fourth wall and ask the audience if she could borrow $300. Lindsay recently told Marie Claire UK (via Celebitchy) that she and Oprah are BFBFs (best friends in bankrolled fuckery) once again and that they begin filming on the second season of Lindsay in January. Oh, and also that they might be going to Africa together.
Before I started watching Lindsay on OWN, I already knew that Lindsay Lohan’s a freckled bag of lies who lives in a fart bubble of narcissism where everybody and everything is to blame but her. So at the very end of last night’s finale when she said that she had to stop filming for two weeks because she had a miscarriage, a lot of hos squinted their eyes and let out an, “Errrr.”
The last part of the finale was shot after the first episode had already aired on OWN and everybody trashed her ass for holding up production and being the opposite of reliable. LiLo says she couldn’t physically shoot, because she was laid up in bed with the sicks after losing a baby.
“No one knows this and we can finish after this, I had a miscarriage for those two weeks I took off. It’s a very long story. That’s why on the show when it says, ‘she doesn’t want to come down, she doesn’t want to come down,’ I couldn’t move. I was sick and mentally that messes with you. And watching this series, I just know how I felt at that moment and I can relate to that girl, which sounds kind of crazy. But, I’m like, ‘Oh my God, this is really sad, who’s helping her?’ No one knows what’s going on in my head at every second, because I’m constantly thinking. My mind does not shut off. The only time it does is when I start doing meditation or when I put music on my headphones. There’s a lot going on in my life then.”
LiLo didn’t say who the father was.
A miscarriage is an awful, tragic nightmare that nobody should go through, so would LiLo actually stoop that low and earn a seat on the Peter Pan bus to Hell by making one up to get sympathy? Hmm, I guess it wouldn’t be the worse thing she’s ever done (see: The Canyons). Somebody should really check her DVR history to see if she’s been watching Nashville.
White Oprah’s just pissed, because nobody told her LiLo was going to say she miscarried. White Oprah could’ve leaked that info (along with that fuck list) to InTouch Weekly for more gin and Adderall money.
And if you need to see those words coming out of LiLo’s mouth, here’s the clip of her saying she miscarried:
“Um, is that a new kind of coke? Why hasn’t my dealer told me about that one. I’ll kill him!” - LiLo
Last night, OWN shat out the trailer for their reality show, which should be called Lindsay: I’m Just Doing This For The Check (alternate title: Oprah: I’m Just Doing This For The Ratings), and it shows us Lindsay Lohan in a completely different light! By that I mean we see her in daylight. We usually see her trolling the dark streets at nighttime.
The first part shows us the broken ginger record queefing at the mouth about how she’s sick of being a drunken mess, White Oprah with her head stuck all the way up her culo, Michael Lohan being the oozing pussy pimple that he is and more of the same crap we’ve all seen and heard a million times before. The second part is The Mighty O slapping LiLo’s crackie zombie face with some truth after that mess does what she always does. Before Oprah gives it to LiLo straight, there’s a scene of her in her chariot with my favorite, Sherry Ensalada, and Sherry tells her about how Lilo has been a pain in everyone’s taint. Oprah says, “This is exactly what everybody said was going to happen and I believed differently.” Aunt Bunny, can I get GUURRRL PLEASE?! Oprah knew LiLo was going to be unreliable and she probably wanted LiLo to be unreliable, so she could sweep in and tell that mess off in front of the cameras and everyone would be like, “You tell her, Oprah! You always speak the truth, Oprah! You’re everyone’s savior, Oprah!” Oprah, YOU need to cut the bullshit. (Future headline: Skinny Fat Gay Blogger Goes Missing – A Pillar Of Salt Found In Front Of His Desk)
With all that being said, I’m still going to watch every second of this same old shit mess, because the sober coach’s down eyes followed by an, “ummmm,” when he’s asked if LiLo’s still sober SOLD ME.
And LiLo totally sold herself short when she said, “I know this is my last shot of doing what I love to do.” She still has plenty of years of stealing necklaces and slapping hos in clubs ahead of her!
War and Peace
Step the fuck aside.
High school students the world over can rejoice because all copies of The Great Gatsby have been thrown in the trash, and The New York Times Best Seller list is roping off the #1 spot in anticipation for the most dramatic, important novel this side of The Grapes of Wrath after Radar broke the news that Dina Lohan has finished writing a tell-all book:
“To clean up a rumor, Lindsay is not writing a book at this time,” Dina said in an exclusive interview. But, the Lohan matriarch confirmed the she is indeed about to spill family secrets in her own tell-all tome.
“My book is finished!” Dina said.
So how does her 27-year-old daughter Lindsay feel about her mother dishing about the famed and notorious family?
“She is supportive of my book as well as my other three children,” Dina said.
Chapter titles include: Ali Needs To Make More Money, My Favourite Child Is A 2L Bottle Of Vodka, and It’s So Crazy That Everyone Thinks I Look Young Enough To Be Lindsay’s Sister, Right?
Now, historically, a “tell-all” book is a truthful account of real-life events, but we all know that White Oprah sashay-chante’s for the House of Delusion, so the only non-fiction elements in this book will be page numbers. The rest will be an epic story
full of shit full of lies, deception, and heartbreak (and that’s just the chapter on Dina’s fight with the floor lamp she mistook for a bartender). The source material for this book alone makes it worthy of a read, but imagining Dina drunkenly firing every ghost writer hired to help her write this disaster and then trying to write it herself takes me so much higher, I’m nearly reaching Lindsay levels of light-headedness. Get me some smelling salts and a strong cup of coffee; I need to come down before I cross to the other side and book an appointment for some yarn-looking hair extensions and a cheap Long Island spray tan.
And – DUH – Radar, of course Lindsay isn’t writing a book about her life just yet; she’s still trying to get clearance from Christina Crawford to use the title Mommie Drunkest.
(Pic via Splash)
When pictures of White Oprah and Lindsay Lohan comes up on photo agency sites, I immediately put contacts (aka retina condoms) over my eyes and hide any bags of the good shit I have laying out (I’m not entirely convinced that they can’t steal through laptop screens). But pictures of Nana Lohan have the opposite effect on me. Nana Lohan (real name: Ann Sullivan) is the Marilyn Munster of the Lohans and I’m sure she didn’t give birth to White Oprah. Nana Lohan witnessed a cracked out hyena give birth to White Oprah in a back alley way and being the saint that she is, she took White Oprah in. Anyway, today on Long Island, White Oprah brought her secret weapon, Nana Lohan, to a court hearing in her DUI case.
White Oprah should’ve only brought Nana Lohan and left her mess of a lawyer Mark Heller in the troll cave where he lives, because he made things worse. TMZ says that Mark used his tiny, little orange leprechaun claws to pull the most ridiculous defense out of his tiny, little orange troll hole. Mark told the judge that the paparazzi are to blame for White Oprah driving while under the influence of EVERYTHING that night. No, Mark wasn’t saying it was a Princess Diana situation. Mark says that the paparazzi following her around causes her stress which makes her reach for the Svedka bottle. TMZ put it like this:
Here’s the argument … Dina’s lifestyle presents lots of challenges and stress, brought on by the barrage of photogs that follow her. Those stresses caused Dina to down enough alcohol to register a .20 blood alcohol level as she tooled down the road. Short story — it’s our fault, not hers.
So he’s blaming White Oprah’s booze problems on the paparazzi who only show up because she texts them with her exact location? Next, Mark Heller is going to sue Russia for making vodka. Then he’s going to sue Karl Benz’s estate for inventing the automobile. Then he’s going to sue BMW for making a car that’s difficult to operate if you’re drunk as shit. Bridge tolls make terrible lawyers, but they make amazing court room comedians.
Mark Heller gets an A++ in creativity and fuckery, but if he really wanted the charges thrown out, he would’ve just made Nana Lohan speak to the court. As soon as Nana Lohan said, “Please free my daughter,” the judge would’ve torn up the file, thrown out the charges and the court would’ve given White Oprah free drink tickets for ruining her buzz by pulling her over. CASE CLOSED! NOT GUILTY! Nana Lohan has spoken!
If you watched the hour-long infomercial for Cliffside Malibu on OWN last night and decided to turn it into a drinking game by doing a shot of muddled Adderall paste and vodka every time Lindsay Lohan said, “Things are really different this time,” then you probably had to check into Cliffside Malibu this morning to deal with your new Adderall and vodka addiction, because she said that shit a lot.
LiLo’s post-rehab interview with Oprah was like an encore performance of all her post-rehab interviews. While wearing a tight dress in the perfect shade of prison orange (I see what you did there, LiLo), LiLo told Oprah during Oprah’s Next Chapter that it only took ten million trips to rehab, but this time things are really different and she’s more focused and more grounded and is okay with not being in the middle of a tornado of chaos all the time. LiLo admitted that she’s an addict and that booze is her drug of choice. When The Mighty O asked her about cocaine, LiLo said that she only did coke, because it goes perfectly with the sweet nectar and she’s only done it 10 or 15 times. LiLo says that she said before that she only did it 4 or 5 times, because she was really, really scared. So bitch has only done it 10 to 15 times. Or 100 to 150 times. Or 1000 to 1500 times. Who really counts the number of bad shit lines going up into your nostrils? When The Mighty O asked LiLo if she snorted or injected coke, LiLo nearly clutched her pearls when she said, “I’ve never injected anything other than B12 shots.” In a hospital somewhere, LiLo’s back alley plastic surgeon who injects Fix-A-Flat into her lips every other day is recovering after almost laughing himself to death last night.
LiLo says that she’s no longer on Adderall and she didn’t take it to stay skinny or anything. LiLo said that she could eat and sleep on Adderall. She took it for her ADD.
When the subject of LiLo’s shit parents came up, I wanted Iyanla to run out onto the set (which looked like a Palm Springs furniture store) and tell her ass that her parents are a pair of enabling ass dingles who would sell her out for an 8-ball. But instead of that, Oprah softly asked LiLo if she feels like her parents exploit her and take advantage of her. LiLo spit out this mound of lukewarm delusion:
“No, nobody’s perfect. I love my parents and I’m not going to say that it hasn’t… Certain situations, I would’ve preferred handled differently. Certain things I would’ve preferred to be kept within my family in private, but that’s in the past and I can’t change that.
I don’t think anything was intentionally done in that way. I hate what a bad rap people give my parents, because they’re just parents at the end of the day. They’re trying to stand up for their daughter and themselves. I’ve asked, in sitting with my parents recently, to keep our lives private, please.”
White Oprah and Michael Lohan are getting along right now, so says LiLo.
I hope that in LiLo’s reality shit show for OWN, they show the scene where LiLo tells her parents to stop selling her out, because I really want to see the buzz drain from White Oprah’s face as she realizes that she’ll have to stop getting her vodka money from Radar. But please, like White Oprah and Michael are really going to stop selling their kids out. The chances of that happening are about as good as LiLo putting her saggy titty balls in a bra for once.
Seen above making a “Howsh uh-bouts a date, babeeeeee?” face that dozens of johns in the Tri-State area have probably seen at least once through their passenger window, White Oprah graced the NYC screening of the critically acclaimed masterpiece The Canyons (served on a tin spoon of powdered sarcasm) with her freckled presence yesterday. White Oprah went in Lindsay Lohan’s place, because LiLo is finishing up her last days in rehab. White Oprah might need to stand (or lie on the floor depending on how many shots she’s done) in LiLo’s place at other events, because LiLo is staying in rehab for at least 3 more days. In possibly related news, the makers of Adderall just temporarily took down the “WELCOME BACK!” sign that was taped on the front of their building.
TMZ says that LiLo is seriously serious about staying dry this time and has cut out the bad people in her life. (Cut to White Oprah and Michael Lohan running off to check to see if the AMEX card LiLo gave them still works.) LiLo doesn’t want to jump back into the wild right away, so she’s going to stay in rehab for 3 or 4 more days. She was supposed to check out of that bitch tomorrow. TMZ’s source says that even the side-eye throwers in LiLo’s life think things are different now and they went on to say, “It’s like invasion of the body snatchers. She’s a different person.”
Are we sure the source isn’t Agent Dana Scully, because they sound like a supernatural expert who is on to something. Lindsay Lohan took over Amanda Bynes’ body and the old Amanda Bynes took over Lindsay Lohan’s body! The truth is finally out there. Whatever, White Oprah doesn’t care either way, because she’s having the time of her life being Lindsay Lohan!
TMZ says that Lindsay Lohan is not getting her daily call from a slurring White Oprah begging her to please wire over $10,000, because her electricity bill (read: the bill for her Jack Daniels cooler) is overdue and they’re threatening to turn off all her power (read: cut off her whiskey supply). The staff at the Cliffside rehab facility in Malibu have decided to hang up the phone every time White Oprah calls, because she’s an incoherent drunken disaster and they don’t want her to talk to Lindsay Lohan.
A source (aka Michael Lohan) tells TMZ that a few weeks ago, a staff member at Cliffside called up White Oprah for a little talk with LiLo. But when White Oprah got on the phone, the staff member immediately got secondhand-drunk, because she was thirty shades of plastered. The staff member canceled the conversation between LiLo and White Oprah. LiLo’s team at Cliffside also decided that it’s best if she doesn’t talk to White Oprah at all while she’s in rehab.
In White Oprah’s defense, she’s tanked during every phone call, because she’s always tanked. But I wish that the staff person at Cliffside hit the record button before they told White Oprah that she can’t talk to her precious ATM anymore. Bitch probably slur screamed at them for a minute, then told them she’d suck their dick if they patched her through, then she slur screamed again, then she told them she was going to get her sister from another mister Oprah to shut them down, then she slur screamed again before passing out on the receiver.
In other WO news, over the weekend, I was at my mom’s house, looking at these gorgeous, boner-inducing pictures of Tan Mom and my mom saw them on my screen and said, “Lindzeeeee’s mom looks terrible!” I know, what did Tan Mom ever do to deserve that comparison?
Last week, OWN (The Oprah Winfrey Network, not The Old Whore Network) announced that Oprah went down in the basement of a barrel and got Lindsay Lohan to agree to an interview and an 8-part reality shit show. The “docu-series” will follow LiLo as she tries to rebuild the pile of broken Legos she calls a career while trying not to fuck up again. Yeah, they’re calling it a “docu-series.” They should really call it fairy tale theater and Shelley DuVall should introduce each new episode.
TMZ says that OWN paid the Alabama leprechaun’s second cousin (twice removed at the crackhouse) $2 million for the interview and the reality show. The deal was signed while LiLo was drying out at Betty Ford. Oprah’s also giving LiLo two assistants and a stylist. If you work for Oprah and wonder if she hates you, you’ll know for sure if she calls you up and says, “I’m reassigning you to Lindsay Lohan.”
Surprisingly, White Oprah found the time to talk to E! News about LiLo’s deal with The Mighty O. I say “surprisingly,” because I figured she’d be too busy swimming in the panty pudding she squirted out after thinking about all the booze and pill money that’s about to drop into LiLo’s checking account. Top shelf booze days are here again!
“Oh, it’s fantastic. If anyone is going to help mentor you, it’s going to be Oprah,” Dina told us over the weekend. Asked whether she’ll appear on the program, the elder Lohan hinted that was a likely scenario. “Possibly! It’s about family…and I’m family,” she said. As for how LiLo is doing as she finishes up her last few weeks in treatment, Dina noted her daughter’s in a really good place. “She’s happy, she’s healthy and she’s amazing. She’s doing really well,” she said.
You can say that Oprah has said “fuck it” to making her network a beacon of serious journalism and is embracing trash to get viewers. But let’s look at the positive. For us lovers of foolery and trash, this means that OWN is one step closer to being the new Oxygen and we all need more Bad Girls Club in our lives (not really). Lindsay Lohan being $2 million is also good news for the back alley pharmacy industry. YAYs all around.