When pictures of White Oprah and Lindsay Lohan comes up on photo agency sites, I immediately put contacts (aka retina condoms) over my eyes and hide any bags of the good shit I have laying out (I’m not entirely convinced that they can’t steal through laptop screens). But pictures of Nana Lohan have the opposite effect on me. Nana Lohan (real name: Ann Sullivan) is the Marilyn Munster of the Lohans and I’m sure she didn’t give birth to White Oprah. Nana Lohan witnessed a cracked out hyena give birth to White Oprah in a back alley way and being the saint that she is, she took White Oprah in. Anyway, today on Long Island, White Oprah brought her secret weapon, Nana Lohan, to a court hearing in her DUI case.
White Oprah should’ve only brought Nana Lohan and left her mess of a lawyer Mark Heller in the troll cave where he lives, because he made things worse. TMZ says that Mark used his tiny, little orange leprechaun claws to pull the most ridiculous defense out of his tiny, little orange troll hole. Mark told the judge that the paparazzi are to blame for White Oprah driving while under the influence of EVERYTHING that night. No, Mark wasn’t saying it was a Princess Diana situation. Mark says that the paparazzi following her around causes her stress which makes her reach for the Svedka bottle. TMZ put it like this:
Here’s the argument … Dina’s lifestyle presents lots of challenges and stress, brought on by the barrage of photogs that follow her. Those stresses caused Dina to down enough alcohol to register a .20 blood alcohol level as she tooled down the road. Short story — it’s our fault, not hers.
So he’s blaming White Oprah’s booze problems on the paparazzi who only show up because she texts them with her exact location? Next, Mark Heller is going to sue Russia for making vodka. Then he’s going to sue Karl Benz’s estate for inventing the automobile. Then he’s going to sue BMW for making a car that’s difficult to operate if you’re drunk as shit. Bridge tolls make terrible lawyers, but they make amazing court room comedians.
Mark Heller gets an A++ in creativity and fuckery, but if he really wanted the charges thrown out, he would’ve just made Nana Lohan speak to the court. As soon as Nana Lohan said, “Please free my daughter,” the judge would’ve torn up the file, thrown out the charges and the court would’ve given White Oprah free drink tickets for ruining her buzz by pulling her over. CASE CLOSED! NOT GUILTY! Nana Lohan has spoken!
If you watched the hour-long infomercial for Cliffside Malibu on OWN last night and decided to turn it into a drinking game by doing a shot of muddled Adderall paste and vodka every time Lindsay Lohan said, “Things are really different this time,” then you probably had to check into Cliffside Malibu this morning to deal with your new Adderall and vodka addiction, because she said that shit a lot.
LiLo’s post-rehab interview with Oprah was like an encore performance of all her post-rehab interviews. While wearing a tight dress in the perfect shade of prison orange (I see what you did there, LiLo), LiLo told Oprah during Oprah’s Next Chapter that it only took ten million trips to rehab, but this time things are really different and she’s more focused and more grounded and is okay with not being in the middle of a tornado of chaos all the time. LiLo admitted that she’s an addict and that booze is her drug of choice. When The Mighty O asked her about cocaine, LiLo said that she only did coke, because it goes perfectly with the sweet nectar and she’s only done it 10 or 15 times. LiLo says that she said before that she only did it 4 or 5 times, because she was really, really scared. So bitch has only done it 10 to 15 times. Or 100 to 150 times. Or 1000 to 1500 times. Who really counts the number of bad shit lines going up into your nostrils? When The Mighty O asked LiLo if she snorted or injected coke, LiLo nearly clutched her pearls when she said, “I’ve never injected anything other than B12 shots.” In a hospital somewhere, LiLo’s back alley plastic surgeon who injects Fix-A-Flat into her lips every other day is recovering after almost laughing himself to death last night.
LiLo says that she’s no longer on Adderall and she didn’t take it to stay skinny or anything. LiLo said that she could eat and sleep on Adderall. She took it for her ADD.
When the subject of LiLo’s shit parents came up, I wanted Iyanla to run out onto the set (which looked like a Palm Springs furniture store) and tell her ass that her parents are a pair of enabling ass dingles who would sell her out for an 8-ball. But instead of that, Oprah softly asked LiLo if she feels like her parents exploit her and take advantage of her. LiLo spit out this mound of lukewarm delusion:
“No, nobody’s perfect. I love my parents and I’m not going to say that it hasn’t… Certain situations, I would’ve preferred handled differently. Certain things I would’ve preferred to be kept within my family in private, but that’s in the past and I can’t change that.
I don’t think anything was intentionally done in that way. I hate what a bad rap people give my parents, because they’re just parents at the end of the day. They’re trying to stand up for their daughter and themselves. I’ve asked, in sitting with my parents recently, to keep our lives private, please.”
White Oprah and Michael Lohan are getting along right now, so says LiLo.
I hope that in LiLo’s reality shit show for OWN, they show the scene where LiLo tells her parents to stop selling her out, because I really want to see the buzz drain from White Oprah’s face as she realizes that she’ll have to stop getting her vodka money from Radar. But please, like White Oprah and Michael are really going to stop selling their kids out. The chances of that happening are about as good as LiLo putting her saggy titty balls in a bra for once.
Seen above making a “Howsh uh-bouts a date, babeeeeee?” face that dozens of johns in the Tri-State area have probably seen at least once through their passenger window, White Oprah graced the NYC screening of the critically acclaimed masterpiece The Canyons (served on a tin spoon of powdered sarcasm) with her freckled presence yesterday. White Oprah went in Lindsay Lohan’s place, because LiLo is finishing up her last days in rehab. White Oprah might need to stand (or lie on the floor depending on how many shots she’s done) in LiLo’s place at other events, because LiLo is staying in rehab for at least 3 more days. In possibly related news, the makers of Adderall just temporarily took down the “WELCOME BACK!” sign that was taped on the front of their building.
TMZ says that LiLo is seriously serious about staying dry this time and has cut out the bad people in her life. (Cut to White Oprah and Michael Lohan running off to check to see if the AMEX card LiLo gave them still works.) LiLo doesn’t want to jump back into the wild right away, so she’s going to stay in rehab for 3 or 4 more days. She was supposed to check out of that bitch tomorrow. TMZ’s source says that even the side-eye throwers in LiLo’s life think things are different now and they went on to say, “It’s like invasion of the body snatchers. She’s a different person.”
Are we sure the source isn’t Agent Dana Scully, because they sound like a supernatural expert who is on to something. Lindsay Lohan took over Amanda Bynes’ body and the old Amanda Bynes took over Lindsay Lohan’s body! The truth is finally out there. Whatever, White Oprah doesn’t care either way, because she’s having the time of her life being Lindsay Lohan!
TMZ says that Lindsay Lohan is not getting her daily call from a slurring White Oprah begging her to please wire over $10,000, because her electricity bill (read: the bill for her Jack Daniels cooler) is overdue and they’re threatening to turn off all her power (read: cut off her whiskey supply). The staff at the Cliffside rehab facility in Malibu have decided to hang up the phone every time White Oprah calls, because she’s an incoherent drunken disaster and they don’t want her to talk to Lindsay Lohan.
A source (aka Michael Lohan) tells TMZ that a few weeks ago, a staff member at Cliffside called up White Oprah for a little talk with LiLo. But when White Oprah got on the phone, the staff member immediately got secondhand-drunk, because she was thirty shades of plastered. The staff member canceled the conversation between LiLo and White Oprah. LiLo’s team at Cliffside also decided that it’s best if she doesn’t talk to White Oprah at all while she’s in rehab.
In White Oprah’s defense, she’s tanked during every phone call, because she’s always tanked. But I wish that the staff person at Cliffside hit the record button before they told White Oprah that she can’t talk to her precious ATM anymore. Bitch probably slur screamed at them for a minute, then told them she’d suck their dick if they patched her through, then she slur screamed again, then she told them she was going to get her sister from another mister Oprah to shut them down, then she slur screamed again before passing out on the receiver.
In other WO news, over the weekend, I was at my mom’s house, looking at these gorgeous, boner-inducing pictures of Tan Mom and my mom saw them on my screen and said, “Lindzeeeee’s mom looks terrible!” I know, what did Tan Mom ever do to deserve that comparison?
Last week, OWN (The Oprah Winfrey Network, not The Old Whore Network) announced that Oprah went down in the basement of a barrel and got Lindsay Lohan to agree to an interview and an 8-part reality shit show. The “docu-series” will follow LiLo as she tries to rebuild the pile of broken Legos she calls a career while trying not to fuck up again. Yeah, they’re calling it a “docu-series.” They should really call it fairy tale theater and Shelley DuVall should introduce each new episode.
TMZ says that OWN paid the Alabama leprechaun’s second cousin (twice removed at the crackhouse) $2 million for the interview and the reality show. The deal was signed while LiLo was drying out at Betty Ford. Oprah’s also giving LiLo two assistants and a stylist. If you work for Oprah and wonder if she hates you, you’ll know for sure if she calls you up and says, “I’m reassigning you to Lindsay Lohan.”
Surprisingly, White Oprah found the time to talk to E! News about LiLo’s deal with The Mighty O. I say “surprisingly,” because I figured she’d be too busy swimming in the panty pudding she squirted out after thinking about all the booze and pill money that’s about to drop into LiLo’s checking account. Top shelf booze days are here again!
“Oh, it’s fantastic. If anyone is going to help mentor you, it’s going to be Oprah,” Dina told us over the weekend. Asked whether she’ll appear on the program, the elder Lohan hinted that was a likely scenario. “Possibly! It’s about family…and I’m family,” she said. As for how LiLo is doing as she finishes up her last few weeks in treatment, Dina noted her daughter’s in a really good place. “She’s happy, she’s healthy and she’s amazing. She’s doing really well,” she said.
You can say that Oprah has said “fuck it” to making her network a beacon of serious journalism and is embracing trash to get viewers. But let’s look at the positive. For us lovers of foolery and trash, this means that OWN is one step closer to being the new Oxygen and we all need more Bad Girls Club in our lives (not really). Lindsay Lohan being $2 million is also good news for the back alley pharmacy industry. YAYs all around.
Picturing Oprah and White Oprah scissoring on a mattress is one way to spend your Saturday….
Lindsay Lohan’s mom White Oprah has regular vodka-infused blackout dreams about one day owning her own network called WON (White Oprah Network) and whoring out her daughter in a reality show for her network. But if that can’t happen, then the next best thing is LiLo getting a reality show on White Oprah’s idol’s network OWN. Deadline reported yesterday that as soon as Cliffside Malibu releases LiLo back into the wild, she’ll do an interview with Oprah before shooting her own “docu-series” for OWN. Congratulations to The Mighty O, because this means that OWN is one step closer to becoming the next E!.
LiLo’s interview with Oprah will splatter onto our TV screens sometime in August and her eight-part “docu-series” will air next year. I love how they are calling it a “docu-series.” Bitch, it’s not a docu-series, it’s a reality show! That’s like me bringing a bottle of Andre to a party and saying that it’s fine champagne. Bitch, that’s not champagne, it’s Andre! (That should really be Andre’s tagline.)
LiLo’s “docu-series” is either going to be a glorious wreck and a bigger disaster than Liz & Dick or it’s going to be an edited, sanitized bore. Whatever the case may be, this is news to do a shot of dirty crack pipe water over, because this means there’s a huge possibility that we’ll see the triumphant return of NANA LOHAN (at the 6:50 mark)!
That’s who really should be getting her own “docu-series,” because Nana Lohan is the only one in that family with brains and she looks younger and more beautiful than all those hos.
During Lindsay Lohan’s 24-hour cross-country rehab disaster, White Oprah has been strangely silent and I figured she was still passed out from partying at her daughter’s going away to rehab party. Nana Lohan finally dropped a bucket of ice water on White Oprah’s passed out ass, woke her up and told her E! was on phone. White Oprah spoke to E! and told them that LiLo was planning to go to rehab even if the courts didn’t make her (insert an eye roll here) and even though she’s said it ten thousand billion times before, she’s ready to get completely clean this time.
White Oprah also said that LiLo didn’t go to the Seafield Center in the Hamptons because of the smoking thing. She didn’t go, because Michael Lohan used to be a patient there years ago and like everybody in the world, the staff hates him and doesn’t want to see his face. White Oprah kicked Michael Lohan in the vagina by saying that the staff was afraid he was going to visit LiLo.
Even though LiLo has most likely snuck out of Betty Ford and is terrorizing Palm Springs right now, White Oprah says that she’s happy to be in rehab and is totally committed to getting dry.
“I am so relieved and thankful that Lindsay is getting the help she needs in a credible place. She actually wanted to go, whether the court said to or not. She is happy there, to get introspective and get back on the right track.
The people are so dedicated at that place. It is a great facility. [Lindsay] didn’t give anyone trouble. She had just gotten word [that Morningside] wasn’t approved by the court. She didn’t want to unpack and then a few days later have to move. She felt it was best to get into a place that the court has approved and let her start her treatment. They are very protective of paparazzi and leaks and very professional. She just needs to heal peacefully and quietly.
She has a different frame of mind this time. She realizes and she knows she needs help this time. She was like, ‘I’m sorry, Mommy.’ And I tell her, ‘Don’t say you are sorry. You just have to work on yourself and on getting well. Don’t beat yourself up.’ The bottom line is that [addiction] is a disease. It is a gene. Pretty much one in every family in the world carries it. It is difficult. You just have to heal.”
Before you say that White Oprah should be bunking with her daughter at Betty Ford, I’ll have your ass know that she doesn’t have that gene. Yeah, she did have it once, but she drank so much vodka, gasoline, peroxide and battery acid over the centuries that it burnt away and now it’s gone. So there!
The answer would’ve been obvious even if I didn’t post a picture. Hell, the answer would’ve been obvious if I asked the question, “Guess who was drunk off her ass today?” The correct answer is always White Oprah!
Seen above just seconds before screaming, “Somebody turn off the spin cycle! The room is spinning too fast,” Justin Bieber’s newest nemesis showed up to the Rock Love Art Ball in NYC on Tuesday night. The organizers of the event invited White Oprah, because they got an extra tax write-off if they gave a hot meal and a bottle of booze to the needy. White Oprah acted exactly how you would expect White Oprah to act at any event. She was a drunken, embarrassing mess.
A source tells the NYDN that White Oprah was shit-faced by the time dinner ended and when the ceremony began and they started passing out awards, she constantly stood up and clapped her hands like a stupid seal on speed. During the live auction, she kept clapping until the auction lady told her that she basically just unknowingly won a bunch of items she can’t afford to buy. The source said:
“[She was] clapping and raising her hands in the air. This prompted the auction leader to call out to her, ‘Ma’am, I have to remind you, when I see your hands above your eyebrows it means that you are bidding.’ She told her to stop jiggling around.”
Jiggling around? Why am I picturing a drunken White Oprah (that’s redundant, I know) dancing on her chair while jiggling her titties around? If the auction leader was smart, she would’ve went into the hall, ripped a fire extinguisher from off the wall and auctioned that off. Everyone at that event would’ve emptied their wallets to buy that fire extinguisher, so they could’ve turned it on White Oprah’s messy ass.
And here’s the many drunken faces of W.O.
“Why don’t I just flash you real quick and we can pretend like this never…. Wait, why are your running away while scratching at your eyeballs? Take these papers with you!!!!” is probably what White Oprah screamed at a process server yesterday when he dropped off foreclosure notice papers. Both Radar and The New York Post says that a process server dropped off very important court documents at the Lohan family house on Long Island yesterday. The fat-mouthed process served told a reporter for the Post that the documents were for a mortgage issue with Chase bank. Radar says that this isn’t the first time White Oprah is in danger of losing the Lohan family crack house and that she’s almost $1 million in debt. That gurgling in my stomach isn’t from the Oreo and protein powder shake I had for breakfast. It’s from thinking of that Steve dude from Vivid offering LiLo and White Oprah $1 million to do mother/daughter porn.
Radar also says that LiLo moved into her old bedroom at White Oprah’s house, because her credit sucks and she can’t even afford to rent a storage closet in the Bronx. But some source (FYI: in real talk, “some source” translates into “Dina Lohan“) tells TMZ that LiLo isn’t shacked up in her old bedroom. LiLo is putting the SO? and HO in SoHo, because she’s living rent-free in a friend’s SoHo penthouse. The friend is letting her stay there for free until she can get her own place and is letting her live there for as long as she wants.
I really can’t hate on LiLo’s hustle. Whenever I give a lazy handjob and a half-assed blow job, I get pushed out of the car. But when LiLo does it, she gets to live in a SoHo penthouse for free! I wonder if her friend is still going to consider himself a friend of hers when he shows up to his penthouse and finds that she’s taken everything including the faucets and that she’s been renting the place to the leaders of an underground sex ring for twice as much.
That’s a look that says, “Read the F U on my shirt.“
After paying for lunch with photocopied money she made at FedEx Office (Side note: I miss Kinko’s), a drunken White Oprah did the fame whore strut down the ho stroll at The Grove and told the paps that she and Lindsay Lohan are staying at The Beverly Hills Hotel (more like The Beverly Hills Adjacent Hotel aka The Best Western in West Hollywood) and she’s been so busy with “work.” (I like how she says “work” like she knows what that words means!) White Oprah kept blabbing about whatever until she ran into an adorable, innocent child and you know White Oprah. She hasn’t met an adorable child she doesn’t want to taint and ruin. Only in L.A. will a mother (with gorgeous eyebrows, by the way) ask her little girl if she wants to take a picture with Lindsay Lohan’s mother. The smart little girl wasn’t having it. She knows that you don’t take candy from strangers and you don’t hug a Dina Lohan, because if you do the next thing you know it’s 18 years later and you’re hungover in a court room while answering to your 15th felony charge of the year.
Here’s the awkwardness in all its awkward glory:
White Oprah wasn’t only in L.A. to terrorize innocent children with her vodka breath, she was also there to represent the definition of delusion once again. White Oprah talked to Extra’s AC Slater and said that she’s writing a tell-all book called A Parent Trapped, because she wants America to know the real her and thinks she can save lives.
On how Lindsay Lohan’s a target by the media, because she was raised by a single parent (???): “I really think she’s a target and since I am a single parent, I think they think there’s a weaker link that she doesn’t have as much protection around her.”
On how she’s so happy that LiLo lives at home with her now, because it’s so much easier just stealing money from LiLo’s purse than trying to figure out the login information for LiLo’s bank account online: “I have been trying to get her out of [L.A.] for five years… she’s safer at home.”
On the rumor that Lindsay Lohan was blacklisted from Shutters in Santa Monica for trashing one of their rooms in 2007: “That was so silly. We got to the hotel, and there were so many paparazzi, so we opted out. We went to another hotel, the suites were full and then we ended up at the Beverly Hills Hotel.”
On how much hate is thrown at her: “I’m probably the most misunderstood mother in America.”
On why she’s writing a tell-all: “I feel I’m a victim of domestic violence for years and if I can save a life or change a life… I want it to be a helpful book.”
On if Michael Lohan is helping her raise their kids and how she was a single mother straight out of the womb: “I don’t really want to speak about that on camera, but I’ve been a single mom my whole life. I’ve had sole custody and my other three have had no relationship with him. I’m always hopeful things will get better and slowly, but surely hopefully they are.”
On if she wants LiLo to have kids one day: “Yes, I just want to babysit.”
That last line sent a chill through every CPS officer. And White Oprah went on to say, “Because newborn babies are worth so much more on the black market than 16-year-old boys. You hear that, Cody? Why couldn’t you just sit still in that stroller and pretend to be a newborn baby like a good boy?“