Oh, to be a fly on the wall at InTouch Weekly’s offices when the editors got the e-mail confirming that Lindsay Lohan is not pregnant just as they were about to hand Michael Lohan a money order in exchange for exclusive and real ultrasound scans of his knocked up daughter’s fetus.
Proving once again that Michael Lohan spews enough bullshit to keep Home Depot’s manure section fully stocked for decades, Dina Lohan confirms to TMZ that LiLo is not going to pussy burp out a giant freckle with a Russian accent in a few months, because she was never pregnant. LiLo was the first to start the pregnancy rumors by tweeting (and then deleting) about how she was knocked up. Michael Lohan later claimed that LiLo told him in a text that he’s going to be somebody’s grandpappy , but her friend Hofit Golan basically said to not listen to him. Well, Hofit was right, because it turns out that LiLo’s pregnancy was all just a regular Lohan-brand lie.
It took them only two years, but last week the Florida Department of Children and Families snatched away Michael Lohan and Kate Major’s little sons after finally figuring out that these two train wrecks shouldn’t be allowed to care for a rock, let alone two human children. Michael and Kate’s sons, 2-year-old Landon and 10-month-old Logan, were put in foster care overnight before his mother Marilyn Lohan flew in from Long Island to be their temporary guardian. The ghost of The Situation’s future and broke down Tara Reid went to court in Florida today to try to get their boys back. It didn’t happen. Marilyn Lohan now has custody of them.
Great, now Cody Lohan has to smear his face with dirt, put on his rag costume, grab his cardboard sign and stand in front of the supermarket to peddle for vodka money for his mom, because their Fox News settlement money is not coming.
Earlier this year, Lindsay Lohan and White Oprah tossed a lawsuit at Fox News because a guest on Sean Hannity’s show accused them of doing coke together. A few days after Phillip Seymour Hoffman died, Sean Hannity did a segment on his show called, “Early Train Wrecks And Tragedies About To Happen,” and one of his guests, Michelle Fields, said that White Oprah does coke with her daughter. Fox News quickly apologized. But since apologies aren’t going to pay White Oprah’s bar tab, she and LiLo threw a defamation lawsuit at Fox News. They claimed that Michelle Fields’ comment smeared and stained their pristine reputations. They do have a point, because their reputations are as pure as a baby bunny’s first tear.
White Oprah and LiLo, of course, wanted cash. They’re not getting a dime, though, because TMZ says that a judge tossed the case out of court today. The judge declared that the comment wasn’t made “maliciously,” their both public figures and LiLo has admitted to snorting the bad shit before. This old recording of LiLo saying that White Oprah did coke also probably didn’t help:
White Oprah and LiLo also sued Michelle Fields. TMZ doesn’t know if that lawsuit also ended up in the dumpster.
This is an INJUSTICE and I hope LiLo appeals. Because Michelle Fields’ claim is false and it is damaging to LiLo’s reputation. Michelle Fields basically said that LiLo shares and now everybody’s going to think that LiLo will share her shit with them. LiLo needs to take this all the way to the Supreme Court!
Any trick who says that getting contact drunk isn’t possible has never gotten drunk while staring at that picture.
The producers of Celebrity Big Brother in the UK must have sprained every muscle in their arm, because they have climbed to the top of the highest ladder and are reaching far for the brightest, biggest and A-listiest stars of Hollywood. Case in point: They want Lindsay Lohan’s former pimp Dina Lohan to join the cast. So yeah, when I said that they are reaching for the stars, what I meant is that they are going way beyond the bottom of the barrel. They have picked up the barrel, turned it around and are picking off the worms that cling to its bottom. They might as well change the name of Celebrity Big Brother to Not Even Close To A Celebrity Big Brother.
A source tells TMZ (FYI: “A source” in Latin means “Dina Lohan“) that White Oprah really, really wants to do Celebrity Big Brother, but Lindsay Lohan really, really wants her to turn it down. White Oprah apparently called LiLo on Thursday to tell her the news and you’d think she’d be happy. I mean, White Oprah finally got an actual job that pays actual money for a few weeks. But LiLo isn’t having it. LiLo feels like she’s finally gotten her shit together and if White Oprah comes to England, that mess will fuck it all up for her. LiLo thinks that her mom is a bad luck charm and that foolery follows her wherever she goes. They fought over the phone and then continued to slap at each other through texts.
White Oprah doesn’t think that LiLo can ban her from a country, so she’s planning to go to England anyway.
I see what’s really going on here. It’s pure jealousy at work. How dreadful. LiLo is obviously mad that the producers asked her mom instead of her. LiLo’s thoughts continue to be powered by delusion. Why would the producers ask her? They would never get insurance and they’d have to build a hospital next to the CBB house to treat all the bitches who LiLo hits on the head with a bottle. Besides, White Oprah’s grace, elegance, sophistication and charismatic star power will really class that show up!
And well, we can expect England to declare war on America for sending not one, but two, cracked out messes of mass destruction.
Hold on – why is there blonde hair behind Oprah’s back??? Is someone hiding behind her? Oh wait, it’s probably just White Oprah mining her pockets for cash while her daughter distracts her. “I already told you, if you need some more wine-money, just ask me for a second season of Lindsay!” – Oprah.
Speaking of a second season Lindsay, the biggest little train-wreck on television this side of a True Tori marathon, Lindsay Lohan believes there will be a second season. Oprah flew to London to watch the Apricot Ashtray’s performance Speed-The-Plow on Saturday, and Lindsay made sure to Instagram a picture of it as proof (apparently Lupita Nyong’o was there as well, but did take a picture with Linds, probably because she’s still recovering from the last time she met a crazy-eyed red-haired smoky-voiced attention-starved creature).
But maybe Oprah wasn’t there just to watch Lindsay maybe fuck up her lines or break the fourth wall and ask the audience if she could borrow $300. Lindsay recently told Marie Claire UK (via Celebitchy) that she and Oprah are BFBFs (best friends in bankrolled fuckery) once again and that they begin filming on the second season of Lindsay in January. Oh, and also that they might be going to Africa together.
Before I started watching Lindsay on OWN, I already knew that Lindsay Lohan’s a freckled bag of lies who lives in a fart bubble of narcissism where everybody and everything is to blame but her. So at the very end of last night’s finale when she said that she had to stop filming for two weeks because she had a miscarriage, a lot of hos squinted their eyes and let out an, “Errrr.”
The last part of the finale was shot after the first episode had already aired on OWN and everybody trashed her ass for holding up production and being the opposite of reliable. LiLo says she couldn’t physically shoot, because she was laid up in bed with the sicks after losing a baby.
“No one knows this and we can finish after this, I had a miscarriage for those two weeks I took off. It’s a very long story. That’s why on the show when it says, ‘she doesn’t want to come down, she doesn’t want to come down,’ I couldn’t move. I was sick and mentally that messes with you. And watching this series, I just know how I felt at that moment and I can relate to that girl, which sounds kind of crazy. But, I’m like, ‘Oh my God, this is really sad, who’s helping her?’ No one knows what’s going on in my head at every second, because I’m constantly thinking. My mind does not shut off. The only time it does is when I start doing meditation or when I put music on my headphones. There’s a lot going on in my life then.”
LiLo didn’t say who the father was.
A miscarriage is an awful, tragic nightmare that nobody should go through, so would LiLo actually stoop that low and earn a seat on the Peter Pan bus to Hell by making one up to get sympathy? Hmm, I guess it wouldn’t be the worse thing she’s ever done (see: The Canyons). Somebody should really check her DVR history to see if she’s been watching Nashville.
White Oprah’s just pissed, because nobody told her LiLo was going to say she miscarried. White Oprah could’ve leaked that info (along with that fuck list) to InTouch Weekly for more gin and Adderall money.
And if you need to see those words coming out of LiLo’s mouth, here’s the clip of her saying she miscarried: