Will Smith has GOT to stop listening to Jaden Smith’s career advice. Yes, we get it Jaden, you’re edgy and hip and have your finger on the pulse of youth culture in all its varied forms, but you gotta know that club music is gonna be a real stretch for your middle-aged dad.
If 2004 Gwen Stefani swallowed a neon green bucket full of Ke$hit’s juicy queefs and swallowed it down with Skrillex’s wet burps and a candy necklace that Keroppi used as anal beads, she’d get the serious heaves and then barf out this video for Avril Lavigne’s ear-killing song “Hello Kitty.”
I was going to say that Avril is pretty much 30 going on 13, but two of my cousins are 13 and they’d rather be seen at the movies with their parents on a Saturday night than be seen in a goddamn pink ruffled skirt with cupcakes on it. This Hello Kitty butt dingle of a video is such a horrific abomination that Canada needs to immediately issue an apology to Japan.
The song is the perfect thing to listen to when you want the answer to the question, “Can ears actually bleed blood?”, (SPOILER ALERT: Listening to this wreck will prove that the answer is YES) and of course Chad Kroeger is a co-writer on it. Only the 12-year-old mind of Avril Lavigne and the Monster Energy Drink-infused brain of Chad Kroeger could come up with these poignant lyrics:
Mom’s not home tonight
So we can roll around, have a pillow fight
Like a major rager OMFG
Let’s all slumber party
Like a fat kid on a pack of Smarties
Someone chuck a cupcake at me
Avril Lavigne is practically 30 and she’s spitting out lyrics that a 12-year-old one consider too immature. Chad Kroeger is married to her. Chris Hansen needs to ask both of them to have a seat.
And here’s 2 things I would rather do than listen to that song again:
1. Listen to a Nickelback song (it’s that serious).
2. Shove a lighter wand in my ear and pull the trigger.
The first “song” from Backdoor Farrah that tortured my ears sounded like C3PO drowning in boiling water and I must truly have no love for my sense of hearing, because I pressed play on the latest musical torture device that should be banned for being a weapon of mass destruction. Mass ear murderer Backdoor Farrah is back. Backdoor Farrah’s new song “Blowin‘” is a nightmare for your ears and I’d rather listen to the sounds that come out of her airport hangar of an asshole (yes, you can call me “pot” today) when James Deen pulls out too fast.
I don’t even know if this is human English, but I do know this is a new kind of auto-tune. It sounds like a Sims singing Sims language into a fan. Rich at Gawker somehow pulled English words out of this unnatural disaster of a song. The lyrics are so poetic that if they were an answer under a Jeopardy category titled “Lyrics,” you’d guess Joni Mitchell obviously.
Let me get that air
The wind I need ,
Im blowin (I’m blowin)
All these bullies away
And dragging her on-and-off again daughter into this mess is a form of severe child abuse. But I will say that the song really delivers a positive message. If you can’t beat your bullies, blow them.
If you’re having the kind of day where you don’t really give a shit that your eye sockets will heave your eyeballs out onto the floor and your ears will close up along with your coochie and/or b-hole, then here’s the perfect thing for you.
Because Billy Ray Cyrus got sick of Miley Cyrus getting all the attention by terrorizing the retinas of the masses, he shot a shit puddle of a video for the sequel to Achy Breaky Heart with help from Dionne Warwick’s rapping son Buck 22, Larry King and a bunch of twerking Thundercat hos. Thanks to Larry King’s intro, the song and the pile of cut-off raccoon tails on Billy’s head, this video is the unsexiest thing ever.
1. Who, besides Billy Ray and his accountant, asked for a sequel to Achy Breaky Heart?
2. Why did Dionne Warwick let this happen?
3. How am I still typing even though all of my bodily functions have pretty much shut down and turned on me for watching all 3:33 minutes of this musical torture device?
If you still haven’t been able to go to Panda Express, because the nightmare that is Alison Gold’s “Chinese Food” is still too raw in your brain, then you might want to stay away from this too. It’ll instantly make you allergic to punch, puppets and windowless vans. Leave it to Patrice Wilson to make windowless vans even creepier.
Alison Gold and the evil doer who is responsible for Rebecca Black, Patrice Wilson of Ark Music Factory, are back with a dark-sided prequel to “Chinese Food” called “ABCDEFG” and it is A-P-E-D-O-P-H-I-L-E-W-R-E-C-K. Any music video that starts out with Patrice Wilson in Mister Rogers drag (Mister Rogers’ estate needs to sue his ass for SLANDER) peeping into a dollhouse window is the kind of video that is going to make your skin fall off of your body. It’s like watching a horror movie and I kept screaming at that Alison Gold girl.
At 0:15 – Girl, he’s behind you! We know you know your ABCs and shit, so stop singing and ruuuuuun!
At 1:00 – NO! Girl, DO NOT get in that van. Only serial killers (and worse, EMOs) write notes with cut-up magazine letters!
At 1:12 – WHY DID YOU GET IN THAT VAN?! And why does that van look like a bootleg, low-budget version of the Pussy Wagon from Kill Bill?
And it gets worse. Wilson’s Van takes Alison to the dance where Patrice roofies her punch with some love potion so the boy (or girl, I’m not sure) she likes falls in love with her. Patrice sucks at being a pedo wizard, because he put puppet potion in her punch instead of love potion. And then it ends with Patrice turning Alison’s little crush into Chinese food with a Chinese food potion and she eats her friend!
This is the absolute worst and most horrific after-school special ever and it doesn’t even have a happy ending. Somebody call the police, the FBI, Chris Hansen and everybody else.
I guess all those seizures and guzzling down all those Purple Drank fucked up Lil Wayne’s entire being more than we thought, because the womb-raiding goblin of New Orleans somehow thought it was a good idea to rap on Wonky McValtrex’s latest musical herp outbreak “Good Time.”
In this snippet, Wonks is still the oldest whore at the teen rave and sounds like a slutty baby with acid reflux while she queefs out poetic lyrics like, “Yes, I’m having a good time and I might be a bit tipsy but that’s okay cuz you’re with me.” Bitch looks as plastic as her soul and those factory-defected swap meet colored contacts make her look like a 99 Cent Store version of the real-life Ukrainian Barbie.
I take back that first sentence. Lil Wayne hasn’t completely lost his gremlin mind, because he did spit out these words of truth: “All she know is suck fuck.” Throw in “and how to be trash” and that would be the most accurate description of Wonky ever.