Open Post: Hosted By Diddy’s Claim That His Hustle Was Inspired By Waking Up With 15 Cockroaches On His Face

Yesterday Diddy took to Instagram to inspire and motivate the masses. He posted a video of himself eating mango beside a pool beside an ocean. Diddy tells his 18 million followers that they too could be “eating mango with the ocean as your backdrop,” they just need to “hustle hard” and want it bad enough. But it’s the caption that piqued the Internet’s interest: Diddy writes that his drive to succeed was inspired by the time he woke up with 15 cockroaches on his face. This was Diddy’s Scarlett O’Hara “As God is my witness, I’ll never be hungry again!” moment. He writes, “At that moment I said hell no, I refuse to live like this. Work hard, believe in your crazy dreams…AND NEVER SETTLE!” Ya hear that? Never ever settle for less! If you’re waking up with 15 cockroaches on your face, hustle that bustle until one day you’re waking up with 150 cockroaches on your face. Believe in your crazy dreams!

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Don’t Ever Flip Off Judge Jorge Rodriguez-Chomat

It only took an “adios” and a middle finger for 18-year-old Penelope Soto to learn that Judge Jorge Rodriguez-Chomat is not the one and he will screw with your life just because he can.

HuffPo says that Penelope Soto stood in front of Judge Jorge in a court room in Miami-Dade County on Monday after she was arrested on Sunday night for admitting that she was high on Xanax when she crashed her bike.  Penelope was charged with possessing several bars of Xanax (cut to me picturing delicious candy bars made with Xanax). It should’ve been a regular boring court hearing, but shit got serious when Penelope kept giggling and Judge Jorge wanted to let a trick know who holds the gavel.

Judge Jorge asked Penelope if she owns anything and she said she owns a lot of joorees. Judge Jorge wanted to know about how much her entire jewelry collection was worth and after Penelope kept giggling instead of answering his questions, she said, “Like Rick Ross.“

Penelope is giving me serious Rhonda from Freeway vibes in that video and she looks like she’s fucked up on E or meth or something, but maybe she was just nervous. Judge Jorge asked her if she was on drugs and she said no. Judge Jorge set her bond for $5,000 and waved her away. Penelope said “adios” and sashayed away. Wrong move. That “adios” sat a little too hard on Judge Jorge’s last nerve. He summoned Penelope back and upped her bond to $10,000. Penelope’s eyeballs nearly escaped out of her sockets as everyone in the court room gasped.

Penelope wanted to be the one throwing the last punch in that fight, so she flipped the judge off while walking away. Judge Jorge summoned her back and when she answered “yes” to the question “Did you say, fuck me?” he traded his gavel for a chancleta and slapped her ass down by sentencing her to 30 days in jail for contempt.

Game over.

My only question is where is the petition for Lindsay Lohan to stand in front of Judge Jorge, because I’m pretty sure that’s a show we all want to see.

via Reddit (Thanks, Melissa) 

A Poor Child Gets To Call These Two A-Holes “Daddy” And “Mommy”

As the eldest Lohan, Lindsay Lohan, made her 4,954th court appearance this morning, Michael Lohan’s Garbage Pail Kid-looking ass girlfriend birthed out the now youngest Lohan in a Florida hospital. It just had to be Florida. Hasn’t Florida been through enough?

Last July, Kate Major and Michael Lohan announced that they stopped throwing punches at each other long enough to do bareback sex and make a baby that they’ll eventually trade for a stack of mesh shirts and a bottle of apple Schnapps in a Walmart parking lot in a few years. Well, that baby is now here and I can guarantee you that as soon as he looked at Michael Lohan’s charbroiled turtle dingle of a face, he immediately learned how to say the words, “I’m fucked.” (“Those were my first words too!” – all the Lohan kids)

TMZ says that Landon Major Lohan was born just before noon today and he weighed in at 7lbs and 5oz. That’s kind of funny, because 7lbs and 5oz. is exactly how much coke the Lohan family snorts between them on a monthly basis! Michael Lohan tells TMZ that he was in the delivery room with Kate Major and he got to snip the umbilical cord. It’s a damn shame that he didn’t snip his own baby making parts while he was at it.

Landon Lohan is the 6th life that Michael Lohan will screw up. Well, six as far as we know. There could be other Lohans out there that we don’t know about, so if you see a freckled child with overcooked turkey bacon for skin and it’s kicking a vagina or driving its razor scooter while drunk, report that child to the authorities, because you just spotted another Lohan.

And I hope the Tampa area PennySaver pays Kate a lot of money for the first pictures of Landon Lohan, because ho is going to need the cash since Michael Lohan is never going to give her one quarter from the stack of quarters he stole from LiLo’s purse. I was going to say “stack of ones,” but that would be way too generous.

Nothing Like A Little Staged PDA To Make People Forget That Your Fiancé Is A Douche

As J. Harvey told your asses yesterday, Sofia Vergara’s piece of trash fiancé Nick Loeb got kicked out of a club in Miami on New Year’s Eve after her got into a mini-brawl, which ended with Sofia’s chichis nearly spilling out of her party dress. I know, bitches will Instagram and tweet pictures of their belly button dandruff and combination platter from El Torito, but nobody Instagram’ed or tweeted a picture of Sofia’s chichis trying to escape the rage by jumping out of her dress? We have got to tweet better.

So because the world was reminded that Nick Loeb is a first-class dick pimple, Sofia Vergara tried to do a little damage control by holding his hand all happy-like on Miami Beach yesterday afternoon. Whatever. But what I want to know is, what good qualities does Nick Loeb have, because I don’t know of any. Yes, Nick Loeb is a hot dog topping entrepreneur, but he’s also a chronic cheater, a mean drunk, a party ruiner and always looks like he’s letting out a slow, angry fart. What’s to love?

Maybe in this picture, Sofia is giving us a clue as to what Nick Loeb’s one good quality is. Maybe she’s trying to tell us that he’s hung like a rolled lunch napkin. That’s still not enough. I don’t care if you poured a thick layer of Onion Crunch on top of Nick’s foot long dick, I still would NOT. (“Yes, you would.” – you “No comment.” – me)

Body Language 101

Happy Holidays!! That seems to be what’s going through Kim Kardashian and Kanye West‘s minds along with the rest of us. For those of you who don’t believe in true love or holiday spirit, feast your eyes upon these pics of a perfect couple leaving Kung Pao Bistro in WeHo and rejoice. It’s better than ham, or turkey, or Spam (side eyes MK in Hawaii) or whatever you’re serving up for holiday dinner.

Just look at them. Have you ever seen a couple more obviously in love?? Try not to hate on the fabulous time that they are surely reveling in, and just focus on the deep love they feel for each other and have hope that yes, though you’re not wearing a $20K bubble skirt mess and your bf doesn’t clown on you with every new outfit, you too can experience true love.

Since I’ve already hammered Courtney Stodden‘s holiday greatness into your heads, I don’t feel bad for posting this. It’s almost a palate cleanser at this point. It’s the thinly sliced raw ginger root of the blogosphere.

Like Mother, Like Daughter

Well, here’s a touching mother-daughter story that’ll make you scrub rubbing alcohol into your eyeballs while soaking in a tub full of boiling hot ammonia. What I’m saying is that you should check to make sure you have a lot of ammonia and rubbing alcohol on hand.

Meet 56-year-old Jessica and 22-year-old Monica, a mother and daughter (meaning, Jessica gave birth to Monica) who are so close that they share everything including peens. Jessica and Monica are known as the mother-daughter porn duo (NSFL) The Sexxxtons and they’ve been doing dudes on camera together for about a year now. HuffPo says that they confirmed that they are actually mother and daughter by checking their drives licenses and private Facebook pages.

Just like the other mother/daughter porn duo Elli and Desi Foxx, Jessica and Monica tell HuffPo (via Gawker) that they have rules like every mother and daughter who bone the same dude together should. Jessica says that they will have threesomes with a dude or another chick, but they won’t touch each other or kiss.

“We don’t have a problem doing two-on-one. We will have sex with one man, but not interact with each other. It’s not easy to do. Our lips never touch and that can be a problem when filming.”

Monica is the one who got them in the porn business. Monica dropped out of school in the 9th grade and after years of stripping and bartending, she met some people in porn and got her mom in the business first. Soon after her mom was humping sex parts on camera, Monica joined her and the rest is porn history.

Monica says that sure, sometimes she has suck dicks that taste like Palmolive, because dude had to wash it in the bathroom sink after sticking in her mom, but overall she loves doing fuck films with her mom.

“I enjoy the sex and I enjoy being with my mom. During the scenes, I think about how we’re going to be filthy rich.”

Ho enjoys sex and enjoys being with her mom so she put the two together? I like eating cupcakes naked and pinching my nipples while watching Property Brothers, but you don’t see me putting those two things together. Actually, scratch that, I’ve been there. And during scenes, shouldn’t bitch be thinking, “SANTO DIOS, I hope my mom’s twatty juices don’t drip on my face right now.”

P.S. –  You probably guessed this after reading the words, “mother-daughter porn duo,” but they’re from Tampa, Florida. Oh, Florida, it’s always you.

P.P.S. – So many Lohan jokes, so little time.