Nothing Like A Little Staged PDA To Make People Forget That Your Fiancé Is A Douche

As J. Harvey told your asses yesterday, Sofia Vergara’s piece of trash fiancé Nick Loeb got kicked out of a club in Miami on New Year’s Eve after her got into a mini-brawl, which ended with Sofia’s chichis nearly spilling out of her party dress. I know, bitches will Instagram and tweet pictures of their belly button dandruff and combination platter from El Torito, but nobody Instagram’ed or tweeted a picture of Sofia’s chichis trying to escape the rage by jumping out of her dress? We have got to tweet better.

So because the world was reminded that Nick Loeb is a first-class dick pimple, Sofia Vergara tried to do a little damage control by holding his hand all happy-like on Miami Beach yesterday afternoon. Whatever. But what I want to know is, what good qualities does Nick Loeb have, because I don’t know of any. Yes, Nick Loeb is a hot dog topping entrepreneur, but he’s also a chronic cheater, a mean drunk, a party ruiner and always looks like he’s letting out a slow, angry fart. What’s to love?

Maybe in this picture, Sofia is giving us a clue as to what Nick Loeb’s one good quality is. Maybe she’s trying to tell us that he’s hung like a rolled lunch napkin. That’s still not enough. I don’t care if you poured a thick layer of Onion Crunch on top of Nick’s foot long dick, I still would NOT. (“Yes, you would.” – you “No comment.” – me)