In case your friends posting all over Instagram and Facebook this weekend about how Beyoncé changed their lives didn’t give you a hint, Queen B turned 36 yesterday. She managed to snatch the Labor Day focus off BBQ and summertime sadness, and onto herself for the highest holiday in the Beyhive’s calendar.
But Bey’s day wasn’t celebrated how us normal folks might do. We have happy hour margaritas and inevitable tears about accomplishing jack shit. Beyoncé has Michelle Obama dressing up in a Beyonce costume for an artistic photo shoot. Continue reading
My dad cracks me up when he tries to search for things on his cell phone. In the loudest voice possible he says “OK, GOOGLE!”. Then proceeds to fumble with the phone for the next ten minutes once the shit doesn’t work for him. I’m assuming these are the same types of antics Tina Knowles experiences with new technology.
E! News reports that mama Tina has come under fire for liking a negative comment aimed at her daughter Beyonce’s Dreamgirls co-star, Jennifer Hudson.
It’s been over two years since Solange won the lightweight championship for her elevator beatdown on Jay Z. Most of us forgot about it (not really), but that shady Tina Lawson brought it all back when she posted a picture on Instagram of her daughter Basement Baby Leonard, BB’s 12-year-old son Daniel Julez Smith and Jay Z in the same elevator together. The picture was most likely taken backstage at Saturday Night Live. Mama Tina just couldn’t let Basement Baby have her lone time in the spotlight and outshine that other one for once!
Mama Tina hit the delete button on that pic and Yahoo! thinks she got rid of it because she realized she was bringing the messy family drama back. But please, Mama Tina knew that everyone had already screen shot it and so her mission was complete. With that said, I am slow clapping for Mama Tina’s shifty ways.
Julez looks a little scared in the face and who can blame him? The last place in the world you ever want to be is between Basement Baby and Jay Z in an elevator. Jay Z is laughing because the kid is between them, but if Julez moved away, his “haha” face would immediately turn into an “oh shit” face.
And here’s Solange dressed like the Tin Man going to a business meeting at last night’s CFDA Vogue Fashion Fund Awards in NYC.
I always assumed Beyonce’s management team was The Illuminati, who spoke directly to Blue Ivy using a series of coded words on an untraceable phone line patched through to her by her intern Solange. But apparently her management team was real people, and apparently they’re all out of a job today, because she decided to can them.
According to Page Six, Beyonce has quit her general manager of five years, Lee Anne Callahan-Longo, and moved on to a dude named Steve Pamon. A source tells Page Six that Lee Anne isn’t the only one packing her shit in a box to the left to the left today. One of them was her cousin. HER COUSIN!
“Beyonce basically cleaned house, got rid of her whole team, which included her cousin, and hired a new team. She wants to surround herself with business people who could take her career to an even higher level. She has one album left to deliver before her deal is up with Columbia, plus she wants to make smarter decisions where it comes to touring, sponsorships and acting roles.”
A higher level? I didn’t think there was a level higher than Her Royal Highness Supreme Queen of Heaven and Earth BEYONCE!!!.
Beyonce rep commented on Beyonce’s mass firing by saying: “Some senior staffers were given the opportunity to reposition and stay on. Some members . . . awakened [to] new interests and decided to follow personal routes.”
Page Six doesn’t say who else is on Beyonce’s new team. But since Beyonce has a major boner for surrounding herself with the best of the best, I’m surprised she didn’t fire everyone and try to replace them all with cardboard cutouts of herself. Or maybe she did, but Jay Z had to pull her aside and remind her that it’s a good idea to keep one of two real people around, just in case she has any questions. Like “What tool do I use to Photoshop my thigh gap again?” or “How do I decline this phone call from Kanye’s wife?”
And here’s the reason Beyonce exists, Mama Tina, trying to go incognito in her Sith Lord finest at a nail salon earlier this week.
Yesterday, I threw up pictures of the “Viva Las Vegas Coffy” look that I thought Solange worked during her wedding to her man Alan Ferguson. But that caped jumpsuit was just one of the many white and ivory looks Basement Baby wore during her hipster Wite-Out of a wedding in New Orleans. Last night, Vogue.com posted these ridiculous ~FASHUN~ pictures taken by photographer Rog Walker of Basement Baby wearing her wedding cape dress while surrounded by her bridal court which included Janelle Monae, Beyonce and Tina Knowles serving up rich gremlin bitch glamour.
That shit looks like the most pretentious Clorox ad of all-time. They also look like the cult from The Leftovers if the cult from The Leftovers had way too much disposable income and took themselves really, really seriously. I guarantee you there’s one chick in that picture who’s like, “Aunt Flo, please don’t fuck with my fierce and come heavy today, because I don’t need to be the one with period stains in Basement Baby’s wedding photos.” But I do love that Beyonce is at basement level for once! Beyonce finally listened to us all and SAT DOWN.
One second after Vogue posted these pictures, Pimp Mama Kris tried to get more attention by Instagramming a picture of her and her dumpster sludge hos in all white outfits too. I am far from being a member of the Beyhive, but PMK comparing herself to the Knowles chicks is like comparing a piece of filet mignon to a maggot infested pile of shit droppings that a rat pooped out after nibbling on a McDonald’s hamburger patty it found lying on a puddle of dog piss in the gutter.
And Basement Baby’s wedding wardrobe budget really was bigger than the budget of her greatest work, Bring It On: All Or Nothing. Here’s a video of Basement Baby wearing another outfit while busting out a mother and son choreographed dance routine to “No Flex Zone” with her kid Julez during her reception.
The cute was zapped out of that video as soon as I found myself looking for her basement bagina to make an appearance.
E! News also has pictures of Basement Baby’s face covered in hives after the wedding reception. Jay-Z’s revenge! Basement Baby should’ve known something was up when the special present from Jay-Z started buzzing like crazy. Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee, indeed.
I felt kind of bad cutting Basement Baby out of the picture, but then I was like, whatever, she’s used to it.
Tina Knowles, the ageless Mogwai goddess who birthed Beyoncé, was leaving lunch in Beverly Hills earlier today when she ran into TMZ. Personally, if I was lucky enough to run into Tina Knowles, I’d ask her a question like: “Do you think The Costume Institute will ever recognize your endless contributions to the fashion world?” or “Did you make Michelle look the worst on purpose?”, but I guess being in the presence of such an avant-garde visionary of neon lace and fringe made them all kinds of starstruck, and their paralyzed brains could only burp out a question about Beyoncé and Jay-Z’s crumbling feta cheese of a marriage. According to Momma Yoncé, things between her daughter and Joe Camel aren’t just fine, they’re PERFECT!
Mama Tina must think we have dirty rhinestone dust for brains, because everybody knows that Bey and Jay’s relationshit (typo that stays) is about as stable as Solange in an elevator. So if she’s going to lie, at least exaggerate a little! Tell us things are so good between Bey and Jay, that they’re looking into an experimental surgery where their lips are fused together so they never have to stop kissing, or they’re planning on recording an album that’s just the sound of them staring into each others eyes, or that Beyoncé is pregnant with ten-tuplets and they’ll all be named Shawn Carter. Come on, have a little fun with it, Mama Tina!