Category: Rumorz

Like A Cokehead…… Heeeeeey!

March 4, 2009 / Posted by:

In the new issue of Glamour, the “biggest stars” (their fuckery-laced words, not mine) pose as female icons throughout history. Even with the newest version of Photoshop, Blohan doesn’t pull off vintage Vadge. Bitch should have done current day Vadge instead. They look about the same age. Plop a curly wig on SamRo’s head and she could easily pass as Baby Jesus after getting the youth sucked out of him by Vadge’s roidy cooze. Now that would have made sense.

The other skanks in the magazine are: Camilla Belle (as Mary Tyler Moore), Emma Stone (as Carrot Horseshaw), Emma Roberts (as Audrey Hepburn), Alexis Bledel (as Rosie the Riveter), Ugly Betty (as Dolores Huerta), Alicia Keys (as Michelle Obama), Kim Zolciak’s wig (as the Obama dog), Elisha Cuthbert (as Brandi Chastain), Hayden Panatroll (as Amelia Earhart), Paula Patton (as Billie Holiday), Chanel Iman (as Althea Gibson) and Odette Yustman, Spencer Grammer and Tater Head (as the hippies of Woodstock).

The picture with Tater Head is borderline babeh abuse. That tortured baby is trying to unsee what he’s just seen. I hope his parents are paying attention, because if they ever get him a Mr. Potato Head for his birthday, that kid is going to take shelter under his bed and never come out. They better not make that mistake.

Rumer Is Complete

January 30, 2009 / Posted by:

I was going through these pictures of Tater Head at the Push premiere with some tricks and it hit me like a stale potato pancake! Bitch needs some gorgeous chola eyebrows to transform her from a buttery potato to the cholita goddess of my dreams! Rumer has finally come into her own thanks to Photoshop and some Sharpie eyebrows I jacked from some low-budget chola. This is the Rumer she was meant to be!

Now what should her chola name be? La Tater Girl? Las Fritas? Actually, Rumer is already a fucking chola name.

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Be Gone Is More Like It

December 16, 2008 / Posted by:

When I first saw thumbnails of these pictures, I thought it was Christina Hendricks from Mad Men. Then I made them bigger and realized how horribly, horribly wrong I was. After I finish this post, I will go get my eyeballs rotated or something, because I don’t how I could make that mistake.

Anyway, Tater Head was at some D&G event last night and from far away she looks….well… um… looks…. like this! Not bad. This is probably the best I’ve seen her look in a while. That’s until we get close and see the titty tape, the douchey tattoo only worth of Brody Jenner and the crackie nails. Fix yourself, Tater Head!

Tater also needs to give her boohoo boobies a little pick-me-up, because they look oh-so-sad.

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Hiding In Plain Sight

September 29, 2008 / Posted by:

Here’s Tater Head leaving LAX yesterday (probably catching a return flight back from Idaho, AKA the Motherland) looking like the Ore-Ida version of Asshole Simpson.

Let me ask you this, who the EFF goes incognito wearing a flaming red wig? A frumpy mop made of delicious golden curly fries would have been less conspicuous. But it looks like it worked because one loner ass paparazzi with a disposable camera happened to be catching a flight back from Sheboygan and only took pictures after she shouted out “I am ze Asshole Simpson!”

Hash Browns, please! In order to look like Asshole Simpson you’re supposed to have a schnoz sponsored by Kleenex!

That being said, this is might be an upgrade. Or maybe I’m just saying that because I’m a sucker for the ginges. Even the faux ones.

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Sweet Tater

September 19, 2008 / Posted by:

Tater Head has gone the way of the ginge. She looks like a delicious plate of sweet potatoes. All she’s missing is a couple of handfuls of mini-marshmallows, 10 sticks of butter, a cup of brown sugar and she’s good to go.

Here she is at a Teen Vogue party in Los Angeles last night.

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Work With What You’ve Got

September 5, 2008 / Posted by:

Tater Head has a jaw that only Jay Leno could love and she fucking despises it. Rumer blames her daddy, Bruce Willis, for the reason why she has a jaw and chin that belongs in a field in Idaho.

Rumer said: “People tell me all the time that I look my mom. I see the resemblance, sometimes. There was a picture in a magazine about look-a-like mothers and daughters and I saw that I looked exactly like her – which is great. I hate my jaw. I don’t know if it’s my dad’s – I think I’m more like my mother, my littlest sister looks exactly like my dad and my middle sister is a mixture of the two.”

Actually, I think she got her chin from a Hasbro toy. Demi Moore has some explaining to do! I bet you she got freaky with Mr. Potato’s head. I don’t blame Demi. He’s one sexy spud.

Seriously, Rumer just needs to work with what she’s got. She needs to love and embrace the chin! If she doesn’t, her jaw and chin will fall into a deep depression. And can you imagine Rumer’s jaw getting sad and weepy? It would look like saggy Play-Do.

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