Category: Poor You

Gwyneth Paltrow Says Being Famous Prevented Her From Finding Goop Investors

November 14, 2018 / Posted by:

For the past ten years, Gwyneth Paltrow has run a multi-million dollar business, and she’s clearly got a formula that works: find any existing product, get creative with the medical claims, then watch gullible rich ladies spend too much money on it. You’d think investors would be banging down her door to get in on the action. But according to Gywneth, she’s practically had to beg for Goop.com investments, and it’s all because she’s famous.

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Ben Affleck’s “Live By Night” Is A $75 Million Flop

January 27, 2017 / Posted by:

Just a few days after Ben Affleck received a his 10th Razzie nomination, Variety is reporting that Live By Night is a huge flop. Ben wrote, directed, produced and starred in Live By Night, so this news is bound to kill his ego’s boner. The film cost Warner Bros. $65 million to make, plus tens of millions more to market (according to Variety). Live By Night was released exactly two weeks ago in theaters, and has brought in a whopping – drum roll please – $16.5 million worldwide. That’s barely Ben Affleck’s hair-maintenance budget.

Variety says that when you subtract the box office from the amount of money Warner Bros. stuffed into that turkey, they’re left with a loss of $75 million. To put that into perspective, $75 million is almost nine Manchester by the Seas. “I may have jacked off to Small Wondah, but at least my crappy Dollah Store Dick Tracy movie didn’t lose $75 million, ya beefy fuck” shouted Casey Affleck.

This is Ben’s latest in a string of movies that had Hollywood awkwardly tugging at their collar. Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice made money, but it was critically panned. The Accountant made ok money, but didn’t exactly have people running into the streets screaming “You’ve got to see The Accountant!!” The next movie he’s got coming up is Justice League.

I kind of hope this is the beginning of Ben’s return to his box office bomb days. That’s my personal favorite Ben; the JLo-ass-rubbing, gold chains and white t-shirts-wearing star of fun-to-watch garbage like Gigli. Ben’s rich, so he can totally afford to slum it in bad movies for a while. Now is the time to make Gigli 2 happen, Ben.

Pic: Splash

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Justin Bieber Vs. His Fans, Round 108

October 24, 2016 / Posted by:

Justin Bieber has made it clear many, many times that his fans don’t exactly rank that high on the list of things he likes. America’s obnoxious Canadian nephew recently let his fans know how much he hates them by hissing at them on the street and telling them to shut their holes during a Purpose tour stop in Birmingham in England last week. Clearly Justin’s message of silence didn’t reach his fans like he was hoping it would, because he threw another mid-concert tantrum over their screams.

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You Ran Over My Fucking FOOT, But I’m Richard Simmons, So I’m Cool Like That

December 28, 2012 / Posted by:

PLEASE do not disfigure Richard Simmons, EVER. Who could do such a thing? In this video from TMZ, some Asian guy (okay, stop with the Asian driving jokes) did just that, and watch how Richard handles his flattened foot situation. Too cute.

Richard Simmons is the hot slut of this and every generation, okay??? RECOGNIZE, step off (his foot, no seriously, step off), and give a little love to the man who believes that fitness is fun while the rest of us just go “meh” and scratch at our hairy FUPAS.

Go Richard!

Please Don’t You Be My Neighbor

August 13, 2012 / Posted by:

STALKER ALERT. Because it is not at all strange, scary or smothering to superglue yourself to some guy you’ve been dating for all of two months, Taylor Swift has reportedly decided to take her summer fling with Conor Kennedy to the next level. Or more specifically, People, NBC News and basically everyone else is saying bitch bought a house right across the street from Conor’s grandmother Ethel in the Kennedy compound.

While most people would be frantically spider-webbing their young naive grandson with POLICE LINE DO NOT CROSS tape as red flags fly and sirens blare in the background, Miss Ethel and the rest of the Kennedy clan seem to be drunk on the Swifty Kool Aid (tastes like plain lukewarm tap water with waaaay too fucking much sugar).

From the Boston Herald: “She’s a great friend of all of ours,” Conor’s aunt, filmmaker Rory Kennedy, told reporters at the recent Television Critics Association confab. “She’s awesome and we love her.”

From Sweetas: PUKE.

I wonder if the Kennedy family will still think she’s SUCH A DOLL when she turns the 1928 estate into a life sized Barbie Dream Home decorated with Hello Kitty and My Little Pony posters, hot pink ribbons and glitter markers. And there’s something else that gives me cause for side-eye with all of this, I mean besides little miss spider turning Conor into a prey cocoon so soon while his damned family just stands there drooling on themselves and shaking their pom pons. Taylor’s past bfs, Taylor Lautner, Joe Jonas, John Mayer and Jake Gyllenhaal have all been rumored to possibly at least sometimes, y’know, prefer the outies to the innies. I think you all get where I’m going with this.

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