Category: Poor You

Ben Affleck’s “Live By Night” Is A $75 Million Flop

January 27, 2017 / Posted by:

Just a few days after Ben Affleck received a his 10th Razzie nomination, Variety is reporting that Live By Night is a huge flop. Ben wrote, directed, produced and starred in Live By Night, so this news is bound to kill his ego’s boner. The film cost Warner Bros. $65 million to make, plus tens of millions more to market (according to Variety). Live By Night was released exactly two weeks ago in theaters, and has brought in a whopping – drum roll please – $16.5 million worldwide. That’s barely Ben Affleck’s hair-maintenance budget.

Variety says that when you subtract the box office from the amount of money Warner Bros. stuffed into that turkey, they’re left with a loss of $75 million. To put that into perspective, $75 million is almost nine Manchester by the Seas. “I may have jacked off to Small Wondah, but at least my crappy Dollah Store Dick Tracy movie didn’t lose $75 million, ya beefy fuck” shouted Casey Affleck.

This is Ben’s latest in a string of movies that had Hollywood awkwardly tugging at their collar. Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice made money, but it was critically panned. The Accountant made ok money, but didn’t exactly have people running into the streets screaming “You’ve got to see The Accountant!!” The next movie he’s got coming up is Justice League.

I kind of hope this is the beginning of Ben’s return to his box office bomb days. That’s my personal favorite Ben; the JLo-ass-rubbing, gold chains and white t-shirts-wearing star of fun-to-watch garbage like Gigli. Ben’s rich, so he can totally afford to slum it in bad movies for a while. Now is the time to make Gigli 2 happen, Ben.

Pic: Splash

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Justin Bieber Vs. His Fans, Round 108

October 24, 2016 / Posted by:

Justin Bieber has made it clear many, many times that his fans don’t exactly rank that high on the list of things he likes. America’s obnoxious Canadian nephew recently let his fans know how much he hates them by hissing at them on the street and telling them to shut their holes during a Purpose tour stop in Birmingham in England last week. Clearly Justin’s message of silence didn’t reach his fans like he was hoping it would, because he threw another mid-concert tantrum over their screams.

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You Ran Over My Fucking FOOT, But I’m Richard Simmons, So I’m Cool Like That

December 28, 2012 / Posted by:

PLEASE do not disfigure Richard Simmons, EVER. Who could do such a thing? In this video from TMZ, some Asian guy (okay, stop with the Asian driving jokes) did just that, and watch how Richard handles his flattened foot situation. Too cute.

Richard Simmons is the hot slut of this and every generation, okay??? RECOGNIZE, step off (his foot, no seriously, step off), and give a little love to the man who believes that fitness is fun while the rest of us just go “meh” and scratch at our hairy FUPAS.

Go Richard!

Please Don’t You Be My Neighbor

August 13, 2012 / Posted by:

STALKER ALERT. Because it is not at all strange, scary or smothering to superglue yourself to some guy you’ve been dating for all of two months, Taylor Swift has reportedly decided to take her summer fling with Conor Kennedy to the next level. Or more specifically, People, NBC News and basically everyone else is saying bitch bought a house right across the street from Conor’s grandmother Ethel in the Kennedy compound.

While most people would be frantically spider-webbing their young naive grandson with POLICE LINE DO NOT CROSS tape as red flags fly and sirens blare in the background, Miss Ethel and the rest of the Kennedy clan seem to be drunk on the Swifty Kool Aid (tastes like plain lukewarm tap water with waaaay too fucking much sugar).

From the Boston Herald: “She’s a great friend of all of ours,” Conor’s aunt, filmmaker Rory Kennedy, told reporters at the recent Television Critics Association confab. “She’s awesome and we love her.”

From Sweetas: PUKE.

I wonder if the Kennedy family will still think she’s SUCH A DOLL when she turns the 1928 estate into a life sized Barbie Dream Home decorated with Hello Kitty and My Little Pony posters, hot pink ribbons and glitter markers. And there’s something else that gives me cause for side-eye with all of this, I mean besides little miss spider turning Conor into a prey cocoon so soon while his damned family just stands there drooling on themselves and shaking their pom pons. Taylor’s past bfs, Taylor Lautner, Joe Jonas, John Mayer and Jake Gyllenhaal have all been rumored to possibly at least sometimes, y’know, prefer the outies to the innies. I think you all get where I’m going with this.

Kim Kartrashian Accuses British Airways Of Stealing “Sentimental” Crap From Her Luggage

May 29, 2012 / Posted by:

You’d think that Kim Kardashian would be grateful to the airlines for always breaking the “all beasts over 20lbs must fly in cargo” for her family by letting them fly in the first class cabin, but apparently she isn’t and has accused British Airways of snatching irreplaceable shit from her checked-in luggage. I guess Kim’s duffel bag ass was already overstuffed, because that’s usually where she keeps all her most valuable items (examples: a back-up rubber face, the heart of a virgin goat in case her creator Lucifer unexpectedly shows up to ask demand another sacrifice, etc..). After a flight from France, Kim opened up her bag and was so shocked and whoreified to find some of her shit missing that she was Tweeted (via DM) about it. The bitch who has no shame shamed British Airways for allegedly stealing from her:

Very disappointed in British Airways for opening my luggage & taking some special items of mine!Some things are sentimental ¬ replaceable

What happened to the days when you could lock your bags! We need to get back to that. There’s no sense of security & no trust!

Shame on you

Buuuuut watching a little Keeping Up With The Kardashians will make me smile! Tune into E tonight at the new time of 9/8c!

Hmmm… I wonder what happened to those days? THIS DUMB BITCH. But leave it to Kim to turn a “woe is me” moment into an opportunity to whore her shit show out. Pimp Mama Kris teaches her hos well.

We shouldn’t assume that Kim is just setting shit up for her sex tape with Kanye to eventually leak, because I refuse to believe those two sex on each other. They tried once, but they kept fighting over who gets to be on bottom so they can themselves in the ceiling mirror. I’m guessing that one of the valuable items stolen from Kim’s luggage was the perfume necklace full of Ray-J’s piss she takes wherever she goes. Kim dabs a little on her body to remember where her fame came from. Bitch is sentimental like that.

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