Whenever I see pictures from ~fashun~ events, a cold sense of fear covers my body and a creepier, a cappella version of the Troll Song crawls into my ears, because Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen are usually there together looking like two giddy, little evil bridge urchins who are about to ask you to solve an unsolvable riddle. But a strange thing happened at the CFDA Fashion Awards in NYC last night. Ashley Olsen was not there!
Did an enchanted forest giant accidentally stomp on Ashley while she was collecting mushrooms to make a potion with? Was she a guest at that red wedding shit? Did Gandalf get her when she was trying to snatch Bilbo Baggins with her fellow goblins? Did her housekeeper once again mistake her for a greasy hairball that fell out of a cat’s mouth and vacuum her up? Whatever the case may be, Ashley Olsen was not there last night. Ashley and MK’s younger sister Elizabeth Olsen showed up in her place and made the face anybody would make if they had to pose next to a Trollsen while dressed like a warlock priest.
Elizabeth Olsen tried, but she just can’t prune as good as her sisters can. What’s really disturbing is that Mary-Kate can prune even when Ashley isn’t next to her. I thought their prune powers were only activated when they were standing next each other? I guess not. We should all be scared by this.
Here’s a few pictures from last night’s CFDA Fashion Awards, which are like the Golden Globes to the Met Gala’s Oscars. In order after the Olsens: Miranda Kerr, Zang Toi (wearing Kanye West’s next stage outfit), Betsey Johnson, Sofia Vergara, Nicole Richie, Ethan Hawke, Michelle Harper (thank the lord a Kardashian wasn’t there or they would’ve fucked that black rod on Michelle’s head), Zachary Quinto, Jessica Chastain, Linda Evangelista, Ireland Baldwin, Karolina Kurkova, Adriana Lima, Juliette Lewis, Jess from Girls (bitch, you ain’t Martha Graham), Rooney Mara and Kerry Washington.
Answer: Did I even need to ask?
New York’s Department of Fish and Wildlife rushed to the Met last night, because they received dozens of panicked calls from people who were horrified to see a traumatized chipmunk struggling to get out of a net after getting viciously attacked by a porcupine. Oh, but it was just Miley being punk rock.
Most people probably didn’t recognize Miley Cyrus at the Met Gala last night, because her ass cheeks weren’t hanging out and because that electrocuted hair made everyone think she was that dude from Sum 41 (the one who was married to Avril Lavigne), so they just walked on by. Perfect disguise, Miley!
And here’s even more pictures from last night. Basically, any trick in a borrowed dress could get in. My family gatherings have a stricter guest list than this shit had. In order: Messy Miley, the ghost of a homeless bridge urchin from the 1920s, Drunk Ass Sandra Lee, Katie Holmes (whose sheet dress can be used as an escape rope just in case the Scientologists come after her when she’s on the second floor) Derek Hough in ballerina drag, Swifty, a Vulcan priestess (aka Coco Rocha), Linda Evangelista (who REALLY wants a role in Games of Thrones), Tiger Woods with a blonde who will hate him in a few months, Chelsea Clinton, Rooney Mara, the leader of a cult of hippie trolls, Tom Brady with Gis and Zachary Quinto (looking like Duckie from the Pretty in Pink after he got a job in Prince’s band).
Last year, Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen’s fashion line The Row put out a backpack that looked like a giant, pregnant roach and it cost $39,000. It sold out, because sometimes extremely rich bitches get bored with burning their money in copper fire pits, so they spend it on caca instead. Then this past summer, the Trollsens made an anti-PETA fur purse that sold for almost $17,000. A bargain! But now they’re taking overpriced foolery all the way by selling this crocodile backpack covered in fake prescription pills. They want $55,000 for a backpack that looks like Neely O’Hara barfed all over it. If you want to spend $55,000 on Leatherhead’s dead mom, then please spend an extra few dollars to fly to Los Angeles so I can slap the shit out of you. You can choose the airport I’ll meet you at (Note: Please choose Burbank or Long Beach, because I don’t want to deal with LAX traffic. Thank you.)
The Daily Mail says that artist Damien Hirst, the one who killed Jaws, collaborated with the Trollsens to make a bag that costs as much as a car. I like how they use the word “collaborated.” Please, you know they were all sitting around a coffee table, doing lines and getting drunk when Mary-Kate dropped a bottle of Vicodin on a bag and they’re all like, “FASHION! ART!”
Only twelve will be sold (because there’s only twelve dumbasses in the world who will spend their money on this) and proceeds will go to UNICEF.
In all seriousness, if you really want this, let’s just go to Wilson’s Leather together, buy the cheapest backpack there and then Super Glue some pills on it. It’ll probably look better than this shit. But why would you want pills on your backpack anyway? Do you know how many Lohans will be chasing after you, trying to nom nom nom on your bag? Do you really want to turn around and find Dina Lohan chewing on your pocketbook? That’ll ruin your day.
Drop the phone, you don’t have to make a three-way call to the authorities and Chris Hansen. I know this looks like a a psychopathic creepster planting a threatening kiss on the forehead of the terrified teenager he kidnapped from the mall. But this is actually a kiss of love that 42-year-old Olivier Sarkozy gave to his 26-year-old girlfriend Mary-Kate Olsen at the Mavericks vs. Knicks game in NYC. 16 years isn’t that big of an age difference, but sometimes she looks like she’s barely twelve and he’s a rough 42. He also looks like Tom Hanks after falling face first out of a tree and then getting attacked by ten swarms of bees. His face kind of looks like an inside/out mask. But you know, the dick must be good and he obviously loves some troll poon, because they’ve lasted longer than I thought.
On a different note, WHERE ARE HIS EYES?! Did his eyes refuse to take part in this fuckery and quit his face?
People who live on East 10th Street in NYC’s East Village will soon hear naked virgins scream out the words “A TODDLER TROLL IS TRYING TO EAT MY BLOOD! HELP HELP! I mean, FIRE FIRE!” as they run down the street, because 26-year-old Mary-Kate Olsen is moving into the neighborhood with her French dadfriend. 42-year-old Olivier Sarkozy has been nibbling on Mary-Kate’s troll twat for a few months now and they will continue to gross us all out, because they’re taking their love to the next level by moving in together.
Page Six says that Olivier has paid $6.25 million for a 4,200 square foot townhouse that was built in the olden times. Olivier will own the East Village’s new house of horrors, but apparently Mary-Kate approves of it and likes it because it’s old. (Too easy.) Curbed has pictures of the townhouse and we really should admire it before the walls are covered in the screams of the innocent, goat nutsacks and posters from past Olsen movies. That last one is the most terrifying, I know.
All shade aside, I’m happy (not really) that a 42-year-old French dude who looks like a 52-year-old French dude and a 26-year-old girl who looks like an 8-year-old dressed up as Snow White’s old witch have found love in a hopeless place. And note to Ryan Murphy, you now have your plot for the third season of American Horror Story.
Last year, PETA figuratively threw a can of red paint at Mary-Kate and Ashley Trollsen after their fashion line The Row put out a $39,000 alligator backpack that looked like a giant pregnant roach. That ugly backpack made of Wally Gator’s mom sold out, because sometimes rich people get bored with burning their money in front of the poors and so they spend it on overpriced, ugly crap instead. Mixing their two favorite loves, making money and sucking the souls out of animals, worked so well the first time that those two Cruella de Trolls are doing it again.
The Zoe Report says that The Row is selling a “second generation” version of their alligator backpack, but this time they’ve covering it with patches of real fur instead of the carcass of a gator. Before I tell you how much this traveling animal cemetery costs, let me tell you all the things you could buy instead of buying this bundle of Muppet pubes:
– A Smart Car full of BUNNIES!!!!!
– A mountain of 30,000 KFC cheese top burgers that you can dive into and then eat yourself out of.
– 100 lap dances from OctoMom and 20 handjobs from Lindsay Lohan followed by 100 therapy sessions and 10 visits to the free clinic.
– 112 Olsen Barbies that you can skin and turn into a dozen Olsen doll backpacks.
– The handle of a Birkin bag.
You can buy any one of those things or you can make the Trollsen empire even richer by spending $16,900 on one of PETA’s worst nightmares. Yeah, that bag is almost $17,000. The alligator one is almost $40k, so this is A DEAL! Seriously, though, that’s a lot of money for a bag that is as tortured, busted and raggedy as the bags who designed it. Well, I guess it’s the perfect thing to carry out in public if your ass is out of flour and you need a bitch to throw some at you.