Recently, my little brother accused me and my people of “always trying to make everybody gay.” Instead of my usual retort (“Don’t think I don’t know what went down at your frat house when you were in college, dude.”), I answered with the truth – “Just the sexy people!” There’s a very simple reason why the gays keep trying to make Hugh Jackman like dick. Here it is. Hugh knows this and has been gently rebuffing gay rumors for years now. In a recent interview (via Metro News), he laughed them off again. But this time – he revealed his theory on why everybody thinks he’s downlow stepping out on the missus.
While Tom Hiddleston is off staring into a bathroom mirror and tearily trying to convince his reflection that he totally could have been James Bond, Hugh Jackman legitimately could have been Bond. But according to Hugh, he turned it down.
And here’s reason #599,999,009 for why acting is really damn weird.
Thousands are either pregnant or down a pair of chonies, or both, thanks to a video (via OMG Blog) that popped up on the internet of Hugh Jackman doing voiceover work for a fight scene in Logan. Hugh grunts, groans, growls, snarls, breathes heavily and ends with a long manly scream before smiling at the camera. It’s a little scary and a lot tingle-inducing. You won’t know whether to reach for the pepper spray or the lube. Seeing how many of us around here are hard-up, you’ll probably want to reach for the lube. Make sure you don’t reach for the pepper spray instead or you’ll end up sound like Daddy JackMeOff.
That clip should start with a warning that reads: Before viewing, get yourself a cigarette, a lighter, a rag, a fan to cool your crotch off with and the morning after pill because you’re gonna need it.
Hugh Jackman’s handsome face shouldn’t covered for any reason and it should be a federal crime for anything to take attention away from it (okay, except maybe a puppy). But part of it is hiding behind a bandage today, and it’s all cancer’s fault. Wolverine threw up a picture of his bandaged nose to Instagram earlier today to let everyone know that a doctor had to deal with skin cancer on his nose for the fourth time.
“An example of what happens when you don’t wear sunscreen. Basal Cell. The mildest form of cancer but serious, nonetheless. PLEASE USE SUNSCREEN and get regular check-ups.”
People says that Hugh’s rep confirmed that he had a basal cell removed this morning, adding “the margins are clear and he’s fine.” I’m sure there’s a whole group of horny Jackers (I assume that’s what they call themselves) who just shouted “Oh, he’s fine alright!”
Hugh has evicted skin cancer from his body five times now (four times on his nose, once on his shoulder), and you’d honestly think skin cancer would take the fucking hint already. If Hugh’s skin cancer was a person, it would be Wayne’s obsessed ex-girlfriend Stacy from Wayne’s World. Someone needs to sit Hugh’s skin cancer down and explain that Hugh isn’t into their clingy bullshit and it’s time to knock it off. Maybe the next time his doctor goes in there to remove skin cancer, he can slip in a tiny restraining order. Or a little note that says “Girl, you need to stop.”
In the event you want to see what Hugh’s face looked like before the doctor got to it, here he is riding his bike around New York City this weekend.
When goth ferret Rooney Mara was cast as Tiger Lily in the 1,856,456th version of Peter Pan, some people raged over the whitewashing of it all and others shrugged it off while saying, “I sort of see it.” I mean, if you shake your head until you’ve got the dizzies and then squint while looking at Rooney Mara, she sort of looks Asian and Asian is practically Native American in Hollywood, right?
At the NYC premiere of Pan (pictures below), Rooney told People that before she even met with director Joe Wright about the role, she thought to herself, “Err, maybe me, a white chick, playing Tiger Lily isn’t the greatest idea.” It’s not like Rooney needs the money, because she comes from an NFL dynasty and if she needs a lot of money all she has to do is put her hands under her uncle’s butt and ask him to fart out a few diamonds and gold coins for her. But when Rooney met with Joe and heard his vision, she wanted in. In other words, they totally did peyote together. Rooney said this about the shit she got for taking the role:
“It wasn’t great. I felt really bad about it. It was something that I thought about before I met with Joe. When I met with Joe and heard what his plans for it were, it was something I really wanted to be a part of. But I totally sympathize with why people were upset and feel really bad about it.”
Translation: “I don’t give a shit.” No, that’s not fair to say. Rooney said she felt really bad about it twice, so she obviously felt really bad about it. Based on the reviews, people who see Pan this weekend may feel “really bad” that they paid actual money for tickets to it. And whenever I see that still from Pan of Rooney Mara, I don’t see Tiger Lily at all. I just see a raver who did too much molly at an Anthropologie and got twisted up in the curtain section.
During an interview on the Australian morning show TODAY to talk about their charity Adopt Change, Hugh Jackmeoff and his wife Deborra-Lee Furness briefly talked about how they’ve managed to stay married for almost 20 years when other famous hos are pressing the stop button on their marriages left and right. Jackmeoff and Deborra-Lee say that they’re never apart for more than 2 weeks and they don’t want to be. Deborra-Lee also joked that she let Hugh Jackmeoff’s agent know that her 100% pussy-loving heterosexual husband is not allowed to do any movies with Dame St. Angie Jolie:
Turning to conversation to their relationship, Lisa probed them on how they cope with having to see each other kiss other people as part of their job.
“I’ve told his agent he’s not allowed to work with Angelina, I’m sure she’s lovely,” Furness joked, before highlighting the work Jolie has done for adoption and world aid.
“That’s the deal with this business. If you get it right, if you pick the right partner, then, you traverse all those travails and challenges
I know that Deborra-Lee said that in her “joking” voice, but I bet she wasn’t joking. The hypnotizing powers of St. Angie Jolie’s hypnotic vagina are no joke and they know no bounds! St. Angie’s hypnotic vagina can lure in any straight man, straight woman, gay man, gay woman, bi woman, bi man, gay genderqueer, bi genderqueer, inanimate object, animal and on and on and on… In fact I heard that the snake St. Angie worked with in Alexander the Great can still be seen slithering across the front gate of her chateau in France. Even it is still whipped on her. St. Angie’s powers are that good.