The shitty, shitty news (for me) is that I didn’t even come close to winning third place in MegaMillions, so I am not typing this post on a yellow diamond-encrusted MacBook Air on a bed stuffed with Prince Hot Ginge’s beard and pube hairs as a topless Anderson Cooper look-alike feeds me a rare Hostess Vanilla Pudding Pie. The good news for all of us who actually bought a ticket even though there’s a bigger chance of The Difficult Brown going to jail than us winning, the universe gave us a consolation prize: Hugh JackMeOff’s hairy nipples! It’s always a good day when my eyes land on Hugh’s torso fur, because it’s kind of shaped like a pencil dick with a mushroom head.
And does anybody have Duck Dynasty Phil’s P.O. Box address, because I really want to send him my holiday card, which is a picture of Hugh diving into a sea of man anuses.
There was a time when Hugh JackMeOff and John Palermo were producing partners (you decide what they were producing together) and were joined at the (insert your body parts of choice here). Hugh and John ran a production company called Seed Productions (SEED!) together and John was a producer on X-Men Origins: Wolverine and Deception. Three years ago, Hugh and John broke up, took a cum rag to Seed Productions and went their separate ways. Hugh wanted to focus on acting and John got a new deal at Fox. Well, The Hollywood Reporter says that John’s deal with Fox ended a year ago and since then he’s been entertaining himself by spreading the racist and gay-hating fuckery on Facebook. Here’s just some of the shit he spewed out of his finger tips before he shut down his Facebook page.
On The Chenbot’s eyelid surgery: “I’m crazy about Julie Chen!!! Now that her eyes are finally open, she should leave Monster Moonves.”
On Kim and Kanye Kardashian’s mansion in Bel Air: “There goes the neighborhood!!! It looks like a Poor Persian Palace, where’s Kris Jenner when you need her?! #MoneyCantBuyADumbNiggaClass.”
On Anderson Cooper’s man opening a new bar in NYC: “#SmellsLikeLubeAndHIV.”
John told THR that his brain hasn’t crawled to the edge and jumped. He’s just a bored asshole living in the Valley and what do you do when you’re a bored asshole living in the Valley? You talk shit on the Internet, of course. Why is everybody looking at ME like that? Here’s what John said:
“Maybe people [who take offense] will look in the mirror and say, ‘When was the last time I called Les Moonves and asked for an African-American to play opposite me?’ I stopped caring about what Hollywood thinks of me years ago. I’ve got nothing to lose, nothing to gain. I’m a bored dude, unemployed, sitting at home in the Valley. For me, some of the best ways to overcome serious issues is to laugh about them. Because then you truly understand where that ignorance is coming from.”
Yup, he crazy. John is obviously going to do the damage control shuffle into rehab, but since he’s unemployed and probably sleeps all day, he can’t play the “exhaustion” card. Well, I guess he can play the “Hugh Jackman pulled out of my life” card, because that’s a valid reason to check into rehab.
Here’s Hugh JackMeOff and Jake Gyllenhaal at last night’s Toronto International Film Festival premiere of Prisoners, which is a hardcore gay porn about a nudist men’s prison where the air conditioning doesn’t work and every inmate drops the soap. I wish. Never mind that Jake looks like somebody poured an entire bottle of Crisco over his head, he and Hugh laughed and giggled and cackled and laughed and laughed their b-holes off. They joked about how funny it would be if this picture was taken in the back of a closet and then they laughed about how Tom Cruise is probably going to Photoshop himself into the middle of this man sandwich. Laughs and giggles all around.
Hugh JackMeOff wasn’t going to let puny ass Nick Jonas be the only trick showing his muscle-wrapped muscles off today, so he tweeted this picture of his skin screeching for dear life as it tries to hold in his bulging veins while he lifts a bunch of oversized checkers (or whatever those things are) at a gym in NYC. Once Hugh dropped the bar and re-attached his arms to his shoulders, he tweeted the note, “If the bar ain’t bendin, then you’re just pretendin.” That’s one of my mottos too! My other motto is, “If my guts ain’t bustin’, you ain’t a thrustin.”
There’s so much going on in this picture and I have a lot of questions. Who is that silver fox in the mirror? Is that Anderson Cooper sitting on a Sybian or is it Bob Tuschman? Does it looks like his peen is resting its head on that bar while his other muscles scream for mercy? Wouldn’t that extra chunky belt look better with a thin summer sweater and leggings? And are you making the same face Hugh is making when you look at those horrific ass glove shoes?! I don’t care if they serve a purpose. If you really don’t want Quentin Tarantino to flirt with your feet, put those dark-sided things on. Nobody will want to fuck your feet if you wear those. They’re like stained granny panties for your feet.
And about Hugh’s face…..
He looks like a bearded cherry tomato. Now we know what Hugh’s face looks like when he prolapses while suffering from a severe case of the hard shits and we also know what his face looks like the moment he realizes that getting DP’d isn’t really for him.
And I was joking when I said that nobody wants to hump Hugh’s feet in those glove shoes. I’d totally do Hugh’s feet, fugly ass glove shoes and all.
I didn’t know my nipple slits had the ability to pucker until I saw this picture of Sir Ian McKellen putting his hand on his hip while posing next to Michael Fassbender (the “F” is always silent).
When Comic-Con hits San Diego, the streets immediately fill with extra chunky nerd jizz, but there were extra amounts of nerd jizz in the streets on Saturday when Old Magento threw flirty eyes at Young Magento. At the panel for X-Men: Days of Future Past, Ian McKellen let it be known that he’s in the market for a husband and he wouldn’t mind if Michael Assbender slipped a ring on his finger. Vulture was there when fanfiction dreams came true:
“I just want to say it’s great to be back in California,” McKellen told the crowd. “I feel safe here now that you’ve gotten rid of Proposition 8. I’m looking for a husband.” He cast a sidelong glance at Fassbender, the handsome Shame star who plays the seventies version of McKellen’s character in Days of Future Past. With lasciviousness in his voice, McKellen purred, “It’s great to meet you, Michael.”
I was going to say that I don’t think Ian McKellen can handle Assbender’s prostate-flattening peen (his Assaconda?), but it’s obviously the other way around. Michael Fassbender can’t handle Ian McKellen.
And that picture tells me that when Ian McKellen gets close to Michael Assbender, both of his heads grow twice in size.
While shooting Wolverine in Japan, Hugh JackMeOff visited some of the hot springs and didn’t know that the washcloth they give you when you check in is to cover up your goods. So he walked around ass lips naked and gave a bunch of Japanese dudes a full view of his snags and meatballs. Hugh said in an interview that after about an hour of displaying his nakedness, a dude finally let him know that the little towel’s supposed to be used as a peen curtain.
“The place is separated male and female and they hand you a towel, a small washcloth, and there are eight different types of tubs with heats of different temperatures. I’m getting so hot and I’m using the towel they gave me to dip into the cold water and put it on my head and I was getting very strange looks from everybody. I was feeling uncomfortable and finally this guy in the tub grunts and points to my head and then grunts and points to my private parts. Finally I realised the towel was meant to be covering my privates and I’d spent about an hour just waltzing around this place with this thing in one hand and a beer in my other!”
Hot springs? Uh huh, that’s a fancy name for BATH HOUSE. And I’m pretty sure that dude was offering Hugh JackMeOff a beej.
What I want to know is, WHERE IS THE VIDEO?! If someone can record a cell phone video of two sucio sluts leaving their sex juices on a seat while boning on BART, then someone can record a cell phone video of Hugh Jackman walking around naked in a Japanese spa. What’s the point of technology existing if we’re not going to use it to record a cell phone video of Hugh Jackman walking around naked with a beer in his hand?!
Just one day after a crazy bitch threw a pubes-covered electric razor at him, Hugh Jackman was back at the scene of the crime, Gotham Gym in NYC, yesterday. If Hugh stops putting muscles on top of his muscles while surrounded by a bunch of hot, sweaty dudes in wet tank tops, the pube-throwing stalkers have won!
I, for one, am glad that Hugh JackMeOff isn’t going to let some crazy lady and her flying nether region fur keep him from the gym, because if he did stay away, we’d never get these pictures of him looking like an angry bullfrog trying to keep his ass from exploding while getting DPed. And now I know how that crazy bitch feels, because looking at Hugh’s veiny dick arms is making me want to throw pubes at the screen while declaring my love for him.
Some of us have wet dreams of throwing our pubic hair at Hugh Jackman’s face, but usually our crotches are still attached to that pubic hair.
Hugh Jackmeoff was working out at NYC’s Gotham Gym on Saturday morning when one of his crazy stalkers ran in, screamed “I love you!” and threw a razor covered in her pussy fur at him. It’s pretty surprising that Hugh didn’t scream “I love you!” back and hire her as his new beard, because I know I instantly fall in love with every crazy trick who throws pubes at me.
The New York Post says that 47-year-old Kathleen Thurston was hysterically sobbing when she slipped passed the gym’s check-in counter and ran to the area where the object of her stalking affection was. Kathleen reached into her waistband and Hugh thought she was going to pull out a gun, but she pulled out a coochie hair-covered razor and threw it at him. One of the trainers grabbed her, threw her out of the gym and then called the cops.
The cops caught up with Kathleen a few blocks away and arrested her. Hugh told the cops that Kathleen has shown up to his home before and even trolled around his daughter’s school. Kathleen has no criminal history and lives at a shelter for the mentally ill.
After Hugh Jackman gets the essence of Kathleen’s dirty pubes off of his body by marinating in a tub full of boiled Purell for a few hours, he should look into getting something called a restraining order. And poor Kathleen. Everybody knows you’re not supposed to throw your dirty crotch hair at the dude you love. That scares them off. You’re supposed to knit them a nice pubic hair cozy for their peen. Some crazy hos just don’t know…
Here’s Hugh walking around NYC with his wife the other day.
You know it’s a special occasion when John Travolta pulls out his favorite wig. Since John Travolta is always hijacking the iPod in the Scientology’s bath house to play Rodgers & Hammerstein’s greatest hits, the producers of the Oscars asked him to introduce the tribute to movie musicals last night. Everybody’s talking about how John Travolta can’t pronounce Les Miserables (Note: Please, he mispronounced that shit on purpose to make himself look straighter), but everybody should be talking about the glorious beast on his head. Yes, every Papillon is throwing a shank eye at Travolta since he stole their signature hairstyle, but they have to admit that his center part is immaculate. I’m sure Moses himself parted Travolta’s wig. I’m not talking about Moses from the bible, I’m talking about Moses the resident wig master at the Scientology beauty salon.
Travolta didn’t only work a stunning lace front, but he also worked a hot velcro patch on his chin. When you tea bag Travolta, you can exfoliate your taint on his hot velcro patch at the same time.
Here’s a few more pictures of Travolta with Kelly Preston last night and since we’re on the subject of lush beards, let’s pay tribute to some of the best ones last night. In order: Travolta with Kelly Preston, George Clooney with Stacy Keibler, Hugh Jackmeoff with Deborra-Lee Furness, Justin Theroux with Jennifer Aniston, Jean Dujardin and Ben Affleck with Jennifer Garner.
I promise that this will be my last 2013 Golden Globes post of the year (no, it won’t be) and after this we shall never speak of the 2013 Golden Globes again (yes, we will), but how can I not post about the only reason why the 2013 Golden Globes happened in the first place? The 2013 Golden Globes only existed to pay tribute to the greatest singing and acting talent of this and every other generation!
Of course, Anne Hathaway won Best Supporting Actress for Les Miserables and after she burped out a “blergh,” she said, “Oh my gosh, this is happening.” Bitch, stop. Don’t act like you didn’t build a replica of the Golden Globes stage in your spare room just so you could practice your acceptance speech for weeks beforehand. Anne totally screened her speech for test audiences and asked them if she should keep in the line, “Thank you for this lovely blunt object that I will forevermore use as a weapon against self doubt.” They voted to keep that line in, obviously. Anne continued to blabber on and she went overtime, but she wasn’t done yet.
In the clip above, Les Miserables is named the Best Comedy Or Musical (Note: Les Miserables qualified as a comedy and a musical thanks to Russell Crowe’s singing) of the year and before the movie’s producer can even start his speech, Anne hijacks the mic and mouth farts out all the names of hos she forgot to thank. Anne looked so nervous, crazed and anxious when she hopped on the mic that I thought she was going to scream, “He’s wearing a bomb! Everybody run!” But it was a different kind of emergency. Anne just needed to thank more people. That’s all.
After the show ended, Anne jumped back on the mic and continued to thank people while the crew struck the set and moved all the chairs out of the ballroom. The crew then picked up the part of the stage that Anne was on and moved it to the back of a truck as she kept thanking people. That truck is now somewhere between Los Angeles and Barstow, and Anne is still on it, thanking people.
Here’s Anne, wearing a lovely dildo cozy, while posing with some of her Les Miserables castmates last night.