Hugh Jackman’s handsome face shouldn’t covered for any reason and it should be a federal crime for anything to take attention away from it (okay, except maybe a puppy). But part of it is hiding behind a bandage today, and it’s all cancer’s fault. Wolverine threw up a picture of his bandaged nose to Instagram earlier today to let everyone know that a doctor had to deal with skin cancer on his nose for the fourth time.
“An example of what happens when you don’t wear sunscreen. Basal Cell. The mildest form of cancer but serious, nonetheless. PLEASE USE SUNSCREEN and get regular check-ups.”
People says that Hugh’s rep confirmed that he had a basal cell removed this morning, adding “the margins are clear and he’s fine.” I’m sure there’s a whole group of horny Jackers (I assume that’s what they call themselves) who just shouted “Oh, he’s fine alright!”
Hugh has evicted skin cancer from his body five times now (four times on his nose, once on his shoulder), and you’d honestly think skin cancer would take the fucking hint already. If Hugh’s skin cancer was a person, it would be Wayne’s obsessed ex-girlfriend Stacy from Wayne’s World. Someone needs to sit Hugh’s skin cancer down and explain that Hugh isn’t into their clingy bullshit and it’s time to knock it off. Maybe the next time his doctor goes in there to remove skin cancer, he can slip in a tiny restraining order. Or a little note that says “Girl, you need to stop.”
In the event you want to see what Hugh’s face looked like before the doctor got to it, here he is riding his bike around New York City this weekend.
When goth ferret Rooney Mara was cast as Tiger Lily in the 1,856,456th version of Peter Pan, some people raged over the whitewashing of it all and others shrugged it off while saying, “I sort of see it.” I mean, if you shake your head until you’ve got the dizzies and then squint while looking at Rooney Mara, she sort of looks Asian and Asian is practically Native American in Hollywood, right?
At the NYC premiere of Pan (pictures below), Rooney told People that before she even met with director Joe Wright about the role, she thought to herself, “Err, maybe me, a white chick, playing Tiger Lily isn’t the greatest idea.” It’s not like Rooney needs the money, because she comes from an NFL dynasty and if she needs a lot of money all she has to do is put her hands under her uncle’s butt and ask him to fart out a few diamonds and gold coins for her. But when Rooney met with Joe and heard his vision, she wanted in. In other words, they totally did peyote together. Rooney said this about the shit she got for taking the role:
“It wasn’t great. I felt really bad about it. It was something that I thought about before I met with Joe. When I met with Joe and heard what his plans for it were, it was something I really wanted to be a part of. But I totally sympathize with why people were upset and feel really bad about it.”
Translation: “I don’t give a shit.” No, that’s not fair to say. Rooney said she felt really bad about it twice, so she obviously felt really bad about it. Based on the reviews, people who see Pan this weekend may feel “really bad” that they paid actual money for tickets to it. And whenever I see that still from Pan of Rooney Mara, I don’t see Tiger Lily at all. I just see a raver who did too much molly at an Anthropologie and got twisted up in the curtain section.
During an interview on the Australian morning show TODAY to talk about their charity Adopt Change, Hugh Jackmeoff and his wife Deborra-Lee Furness briefly talked about how they’ve managed to stay married for almost 20 years when other famous hos are pressing the stop button on their marriages left and right. Jackmeoff and Deborra-Lee say that they’re never apart for more than 2 weeks and they don’t want to be. Deborra-Lee also joked that she let Hugh Jackmeoff’s agent know that her 100% pussy-loving heterosexual husband is not allowed to do any movies with Dame St. Angie Jolie:
Turning to conversation to their relationship, Lisa probed them on how they cope with having to see each other kiss other people as part of their job.
“I’ve told his agent he’s not allowed to work with Angelina, I’m sure she’s lovely,” Furness joked, before highlighting the work Jolie has done for adoption and world aid.
“That’s the deal with this business. If you get it right, if you pick the right partner, then, you traverse all those travails and challenges
I know that Deborra-Lee said that in her “joking” voice, but I bet she wasn’t joking. The hypnotizing powers of St. Angie Jolie’s hypnotic vagina are no joke and they know no bounds! St. Angie’s hypnotic vagina can lure in any straight man, straight woman, gay man, gay woman, bi woman, bi man, gay genderqueer, bi genderqueer, inanimate object, animal and on and on and on… In fact I heard that the snake St. Angie worked with in Alexander the Great can still be seen slithering across the front gate of her chateau in France. Even it is still whipped on her. St. Angie’s powers are that good.
Peter Pan is so NOW in Hollywood. They’re giving us that soon-to-be shipwreck TV Peter Pan musical starring Brian Williams’ daughter and next year they’re giving us that “international, multi-cultural” (the director’s words, not mine) Pan movie directed by Joe Wright. The trailer was released today and it’s so international and so multi-cultural that watching it will make you feel like you’re speeding through the It’s A Small World ride.
Pan is the untold story (when you’re told the story is untold, it’s probably been told before) of Peter Pan’s origins and it stars Hugh Jackmeoff as Blackbeard, Garrett GimmeHedlund as a young, sexy, pre-evil Captain Hook, Rooney Mara as Tiger Lily, Cara Delawhatever as a mermaid and Levi Miller as Peter Pan. The beginning of the trailer looks like every other fantasy movie out today and shit gets messy when Tiger Lily and her tribe of Coachella lizards pop up on the screen. If Joe Wright’s vision of Tiger Lily is a festival-hopping mess who loves molly and wears outfits from the House of You So Different, he should have just cast Coachella queen Vanessa Hudgens. She’s already got the costumes and she can do that “stoned Zoolander deer caught in the headlights” look better than Rooney can.
While watching the trailer, just focus on Garrett Hedlund’s swoon worthy tendrils and you should be okay:
Even Hugh Jackman looks a mess. I don’t like it when he wears clothes even when the clothes make him look like a medieval Liberace mixed with Gary Oldman’s Dracula. But I’m glad that one of John Travolta’s wigs got extra work on Hugh’s head.
Skin cancer first started fucking with Hugh JackMeOff last November when his loyal beard wife Deborra-Lee Furness told him that he needed to get a mark on his nose checked out by a doctor. That mark turned out to be basal cell carcinoma. Doctors cut it out of his nose and that was that. But six months later in May, that bitch ass cancer showed up on Hugh’s nose again. Once again, doctors removed it. Well, cancer is a stubborn piece of shit that can never take a hint, so it showed up on Hugh’s nose for a third time.
Hugh’s rep tells People that he’s doing okay after getting cancer scooped out of his nose for a third time. The rep said that basal cell carcinoma is really treatable if you catch it early. Ever since cancer made an appearance on Hugh’s nose, he’s been sunscreen’s #1 peddler and tells everyone to bathe in the stuff every day. Today, Hugh threw this up on Instagram:
I get that Hugh is telling everybody to protect themselves from that asshole cancer by wrapping their bodies in an SPF condom, but did he really need to bring that song into it? That song played at every single graduation in 1998 and I almost forgot about it. When the clock hit midnight on January 1, 1999, we all breathed out a hot sigh of relief, because we were hoping the year would be free of that goddamn sunscreen song. And Hugh just had to bring it back.
Since Hugh has made it one of his missions in life to get everyone lubed up with SPF, he should set up sunscreen booths all over the place and personally apply the stuff on our bodies with his hands. We’d all wear sunscreen all the time if he did that. But he better rub some low SPF between the cracks, because when I make the birds cry in pain by sunbathing naked, I like to get some sun in that no-no area. (Yes, I’m the gay Shailene Woodley.) It too needs some Vitamin D. Well, it needs two kinds of Vitamin D if I ain’t being too subtle.
During an interview with Australian Women’s Weekly (via Daily Mail), Hugh Jackman’s exquisite tree-ripened pawpaw of a wife Deborra-Lee Furness admitted that after almost two decades of people coming up to her and telling her she’s so lucky to be married to the current Vice President of the International DILF Society (the President is Paul Rudd), she’d like everyone to cut the bullshit and stop saying she’s lucky. Deborra-Lee isn’t lucky! There’s only one lucky, and she cry-cry-cries in her lonely heart. But for real, Hugh Jackman’s normal-looking wife wants you to stop acting like she won the damn lottery:
“That to me is a putdown. (It is) like you suggesting I won the chook raffle. I think we create our own destiny.”
I had no idea what the hell a chook raffle was (I figured it had something to do with drawing for a wallaby) but as it turns out, it’s where people raffle off chicken meat in a pub. WHAT EVEN??? Beer and the chance to win a bunch of chicken meat? Australia truly is a magical place.
But back to Deborra-Lee. I know she thinks people are saying “You are lucky”, but I think what they really mean is “You are lucky.” As in, we’re all insanely jealous that Deborra-Lee Furness gets to wake up every morning spooning one of Wolverine’s biceps and fall asleep every night staring deep into his beautiful Bloomin’ Onion eyes as he sings her a medley of Broadway show tunes. People aren’t saying she’s lucky in a Michael Bluth “Her?” way. They’re saying in the most literal sense of the word; as in, if a proctologist took a look up Deborra-Lee Furness’ ass, he’d find a horse shoe, a rabbit’s foot, several four-leaf clovers, and a goddamn leprechaun.