“$400 cash to anyone who is willing to trade seats with me” – Guy in the green hat.
Kris Jenner has practically made a career out of tirelessly competing for the title of #1 “Cool” Mom (someone needs to tell her that Amy Poehler’s character in Mean Girls isn’t a real person) so it’s only natural that her “50 is the new 21” antics made an appearance at Kanye West’s Yeezus tour last night at Madison Square Garden. Now, these are only pictures, so it’s difficult to picture her doing the drunk mommy dance, but I can imagine she looked something like this:
Kris was probably trying to do the hip-bump with a not-into-it Kim all night. “C’mon honey! Dance with me! I love to dance! C’mon, stand up, Kim! Dance with me! DANCE WITH ME, DAMMIT!” Anyone with a middle-aged Aunt knows that this charade goes on until she gives your Uncle the signal that it’s time to take her drunk-ass home by attempting to drop down and get her eagle on and splitting her pants.
Here’s more of Kris getting her swerve on (oh brother, those poor bartenders at Madison Square Garden). I’ve also included some pictures of Kim from that same evening wearing a criminal amount of black leather fringe; she looks like she should be riding on the back of a Harley. The only thing missing is Kanye wearing one of those trashy t-shirts that says “If you can read this, the bitch fell off”. In case you have no idea what I’m talking about, here’s a great example on a motorcycle papaw (though, I have to say, the hottest is that sassy memaw; I want to be her when I grow up).
(Pics via Splash)
Jimmy hats off to all of you whores and slores who wrote Santa a letter this year asking for a take-no-shit judge in Dina Lohan’s DWI case because according to TMZ, he has ordered her to undergo a full psych evaluation before returning to court on January 7.
Dina’s attorney, Mark Heller (who gives me serious shades of a miniature Rock Biter from The Neverending Story) told the judge that she is sober following her September arrest where she blew a .20, but he wasn’t buying it. I don’t know, maybe he has a little thing called THE INTERNET and already knows Dina is so full of shit that’s the reason her eyes are brown.
Mark blamed the DWI on the pressures of the paparazzi following Dina. Who knew it was so hard being one half of the asshole parentage of a washed up child actor that it would keep someone from calling a cab, instead making them slide across the hood of their car (using stank ass cooch secretions as lube) like some kind of boozed up Bo Duke and driving off in a cloud of fumes that could knock a buzzard of a shit wagon?
You know during the evaluation, the psychologist will hold up random inkblots and all Dina will see is herself as a Rockette, Ali on the cover of Vogue, a six pack of Bartles & Jaymes wine coolers and Lindsay holding an Oscar in the first four. In the fifth, she’ll see Michael face down in a ditch wearing a mesh shirt (DO NOT if you just ate or are about to). Dina won’t even need to come up with anything off the cuff about how wonderful her family is- she can just regurgitate all the bullshit from the video TMZ has of Mark talking up Gin Cleaver.
Watching a swirling vortex of drunkass sloppiness can be entertaining. We all have that friend or relative who goes from zero to “watch this, fuckers!” in no time and the result can be anything from an ambitious pick up of the opposite sex that was doomed to fail from the start, to a drunk construction project whose story will go down in history as “…and that’s how the deck that slopes to the left was built”. Only the blackest of hearts wouldn’t cheer for the flip-flopular success (thanks for quitting my ass, spell check) of this guy, the patron saint of the wasted at Coachella.
There comes a time when drunk stops being funny and starts to be sad, and Jenna Jameson has been setting up camp in that territory for years. Most recently, her handlers gave her a flea dip, slapped her on the ass and sent her out on the talk show circuit to promote her erotic novel Sugar where she all but dozed off during an interview. Drunk comfy is the best kind of comfy when you’re at home and nothing sounds better than taking your pants off and building a pillow fort out of couch cushions, not for when you need to pull it together for a payday after your house goes into foreclosure and you’re close to hopping back on professional dick to make some money.
Radar has a leaked video of Jenna taking the alcoholic sads to a new level. The surveillance from cameras in the house she shared with Baby Huey shows her reaching behind the nightstand in her bedroom for a bottle of wine and drinking it through various time stamps, sometimes while her twins are in the room on the computer. Jenna also moves through the house on different dates with a ladder like Bob the Builder, if Bob was an inebriated lizard used in lab trials of facial fillers, smashing the cameras with a hammer.
I do have to give her credit for being surprisingly steady on that ladder. That is some pro-level intoxication to not be holding onto something for dear life and using both hands to lay down some Hulk shit on those cameras. If it wasn’t so damn depressing, I’d be jealous- two drinks and I’m convinced the world is flat.
So, let’s say I went hiking in the mountains with my chihuahua (because we do that all the time) and I chase after him as he runs into a cave. Let’s also say that when I finally catch up to him, I find him barking at a large block of ice in the back part of the cave. I pull out my chisel (because I carry that all that time) and break the ice to find a caveman who is still alive! I bring the caveman back to my house and after we smoke a bowl and eat the rest of my Halloween candy together, I show him this video from TMZ of noted bar brawler and overall asshole mess Josh Brolin getting into a drunken bro fight with a bouncer before huffing it out. The caveman points at the video and grunts out a stream of grunts that translates into, “That’s how my people handles shit too!” And then we make out.
After a night of dranking at O’Briens Irish Pub in Santa Monica, Josh Brolin was not a happy drunk when the bouncers told him it was time to go home, because they were closing. One of the bouncers was able to get Josh Brolin outside, but since Josh Brolin is an angry drunk, he started to fight with the dude. Josh drunkenly slapped at the bouncer several times and the whole scene is just sad. That fight is even more pathetic than the slap fest that my sister and I got into after she refused to let me play with her Barbie car. (SPOILER ALERT: She won the fight and yes, the fight was last week.)
The bouncer realized that he was partaking in a sad, sloppy fight, so he ended it by telling Josh, “We were just hugging!” The truth is, they never hugged, but the bouncer tricked Josh into believing they did so the fight could end. Josh fell for the trick and hugged it out with the bouncer.
That really is the best.
The world would really be a much better place is we all ended fights with our enemies by tricking their dumb, drunk asses into thinking we were hugging just a few minutes before. Josh is seriously way too old to be bar fighting, but he’s never too old to be getting into hug sessions with bouncers. Make hugs, not drunken punches, Josh.
Somebody nominate the janitor at 1Oak in NYC for a Congressional Medal of Honor, because anyone who has to clean up after these two is really putting their life on the line to protect the rest of us. Page Six reports that shortly after Miley Cyrus’s tongue made a guest appearance on SNL this weekend, she trotted down to 1Oak with some friends to celebrate a job well done and to get her hillbilly crotch grind on. Sensing another loopy mess was within her periphery, it was reported that none other than the Poster Girl of Predatory Friendships, Lindsay Lohan, slithered over to Miley’s table next to the DJ booth to make friends with Miley.
I know. However did that club not burst into flames from all the class and sophistication inside? Sarcasm.
Instead of politely asking Lindsay to take her patented brand of lowlife couture elsewhere and shoo-ing her greasy ass away from the table, Miley proved she really is down with grimy society and struck up a conversation with Lohan’s puffy-as-hayul face. Maybe Miley was trying to be ironic? Or crazy? Miley is that insane girl you know who will take on almost any dare (I didn’t say every dare; she’s not Ke$ha) so maybe she thought that hanging with a post-Liz and Dick, pre-Next Trip to Rehab Lindsay Lohan would give her more badass points? “Look at me, world! I’m doing MDMA with the High Priestess of Former Disney Stars turned Addict Messes!” – Miley (said while Lindsay mutters an incoherent drink order to the bartender).
After pushing their two tables together (more room for draaanks) Miley and Lindsay partied together, along with Lindsay’s supposed fuck piece Morgan O’Connor (white dude with dreads? Lindsay Lohan: Forever making good choices) and Miley’s litany of hangers-on and twerking coaches. I know you’re hoping for a happy ending where Lindsay asks Miley for her number and suggests they hang out again sometime, and Miley yells “SIKE! See you never, you C-list drunk!” but that doesn’t happen. Miley and Lindsay stayed till 5am and left the club together, at which point I don’t want to imagine the kind of gross, disgusting shit those two got up to, because I’m fresh out of brain bleach. But I will say this: whatever happened afterwards is something I’d love to hear explained by the deluded mind of Dina Lohan: ”Lindsay is so committed to her sobriety and clean living, she decided to invite Miley to her 6am sunrise hot yoga class. You sweat a lot in that class, so it’s a good thing she was staying hydrated with lots of water all night long.“
For those of you out there still holding on to a shred of hope that the youngest two of Kris Jenner’s Krotch Droppings would turn out well-adjusted and down-to-earth, you better take a seat because I’m about to shatter your precious world. People reports that on Oct. 18, 16-year-old Kylie Jenner rolled up on a fancy Beverly Hills hotel at 8:30pm with a couple of friends (including major Asshole-in-Training Pants, Jaden Smith) ready to party.
Hot on the heels of her latest Twitter rant about being a supposed drunk mess, Kylie and her friends decided to forgo the chicken fingers kids meal and jump straight to bottle service. Since ordering bottle service at 8:30pm is a dead giveaway that you’re a teenager who just discovered Red Bull and vodkas, the hotel shut the Spoiled Brat Sleepover down and told them to get bent.
This is the part of the story where any normal too-rich-for-their-own-good Hollywood teenager types would just put their tail between their legs and order a round of Diet Cokes, but we’re not talking about a normal teenager here. Anyone who shares DNA with Kris Jenner is used to riding the delusional train all the way to the end of the line, so Kylie pulls out the most wonderful 6 words in the Bitch You Ain’t Shit handbook: “Do you know who I am?” Oh, people know who you are Kylie (you can send a muffin basket to Ray J to say thanks) but the truth is they just don’t give a 2oz shit about you.
Once she realized that the hotel wasn’t going to budge, Kylie stormed out and stage whispered some choice Yelp reviews on her way, claiming that the hotel was “not worth her time” and that it was “fucking lame”. Kylie is only 16; all of a sudden she’s too good for getting drunk off marshmallow-flavored vodka in her parent’s basement? Kylie needs to stay home and be a dumb mess like a normal teenager. Or at least go over to the Pinkett-Smith household, where I’m sure ‘cool mom’ Jada is waiting with margaritas in a pink Juicy Couture sweatsuit.
(Pic via Splash)
With her tit hanging out like a miserable blobfish trying to escape, Lindsay Lohan went to visit the other tit in her life, her mom, today on Long Island. No, LiLo wasn’t there to welcome DUIna Lohan into the DUI Club. Radar says that LiLo isn’t surprised that White Oprah got a DUI and has been distancing herself from her mess of a mother. A source who definitely isn’t Michael Lohan (it’s probably Michael Lohan) said this:
“Lindsay wasn’t surprised that her mom got popped for a DUI. It was only a matter of time, according to Lindsay. Since being released from rehab, Lindsay has had limited contact with her mother because Dina can be a bad influence on her daughter’s sobriety. Dina will say she is the last person that has a problem with booze, but she does. Lindsay loves her mom, but she is putting herself first, and her recovery, which is a very good thing.”
When Lindsay Lohan thinks you’re a bad influence, fuck….
You won’t find one ho who is surprised that White Oprah got a DUI, but I was surprised that it was her first DUI! How can that be? Is that even possible? Here I was thinking that White Oprah and Michael Lohan would gather their children around, open up their photo album and show off all their mug shots from over the years.
Now that LiLo is supposedly sober and done with fucking up, White Oprah can be the one who stars in TMZ live feeds from the court room. Who knew that White Oprah was a late bloomer?
Even bitch’s eyebrows and weave look shit-faced…
Nana Lohan better make room on the Lohan family wall of pride, because here comes another gorgeous mug shot to add to the collection. Since Lindsay Lohan hasn’t fucked up in a while, one of the Lohans needs to keep up the family’s pristine reputation as responsible citizens of society and that Lohan was White Oprah of course! CBS New York says that the matriarch of the Wild and Wonderful Lohans was arrested on Long Island at around 11 last night after getting caught speeding on the Northern State Parkway while in her usual state: plastered into another dimension. The police say White Oprah’s white BMW was going 77mph in a 55mph zone. When the police pulled her over, they immediately smelled White Oprah’s natural scent of vodka, bad decisions, fuckery, burnt weave glue, wet cigarette butts and sweaty balls.
White Oprah put her mouth on a Breathalyzer and it read: YUP, SHE’S A LOHAN AND NOW I NEED ANTIBIOTICS! White Oprah blew a .20, over twice the legal limit. Because White Oprah is a sue-happy grifter who is always thinking ahead, she screamed that the police injured her while arresting her ass. An ambulance showed up and after they examined her, they determined that yes, everything about her is broke down, but they didn’t find any injuries. White Oprah knew the jig was up, took it all back and said she was never injured.
The cops gave her tickets for the DUI and speeding. She’ll have to show her face in court on September 24th. After she was booked and her mug shot of beauty was taken, she released to a sober party. Yeah, I think the real news here is that White Oprah actually knows someone who’s sober.
In White Oprah’s defense, she’s usually three times the legal limit while driving, so she was actually being responsible last night. But I can’t wait to hear the excuse that White Oprah pulls out of her drunk b-hole (yes, bitch’s b-hole is drunk too). She’s either going to take a page from her daughter’s excuse book and say it was the black kid’s mouth on that Breathalyzer. Or she’s going to say that she was driving to the orphanage to read the kids a bedtime story and she rinsed her mouth out with Listerine, because the orphans deserve fresh breath. And then the police had to go and ruin everything. The orphans never went to bed and now there’s a bunch of sleep-deprived kids on Long Island. It’s all the police’s fault. Why can’t the police just let White Oprah be great?
And today’s panty pudding moment is brought to you by a drunken and doucheified ASkars doing a dude bro cheer for his team Hammarby Fotball at a football match in Sweden recently. This is like a scene out of Braveheart if Braveheart took place in modern day Sweden and the Medieval Scottish soldiers were replaced with drunken football fans and Mel Gibson was replaced with a hot, angry ASkars. Here’s the video and while you’re watching it, I’m going to add “get drunk with ASkars and have him curse at me in Swedish” to my cum bucket list.
alex: all of you can go to hell, [some name on S I think] look at me you fucking pussy
random person: look at his magical fucking hairdo
alex: who’s the best team? (and then a couple of more similar questions that I can’t make out)
crowd: hammarby (the name of the team)
alex and crowd: we’re the hottest we’re the best we’re the ones who win the most…hammarby…clapping.
“Look at me, you fucking pussy.” If ASkars ever says that to you, you can pull down your panties, stare at him with your crotch and say that your Swedish is not so good and you thought you heard him say, “Look at me with your fucking pussy.”
But something must’ve gotten lost in translation, because I think that random person is saying, “look at his flaming vampire viking dick,” instead of, “look at his magical fucking hairdo.” But “magical fucking hairdo” really is the greatest compliment you can give anyone.
And let’s not forget the drunken ASkars video to end all drunken ASkars videos:
TMZ says that Lindsay Lohan is not getting her daily call from a slurring White Oprah begging her to please wire over $10,000, because her electricity bill (read: the bill for her Jack Daniels cooler) is overdue and they’re threatening to turn off all her power (read: cut off her whiskey supply). The staff at the Cliffside rehab facility in Malibu have decided to hang up the phone every time White Oprah calls, because she’s an incoherent drunken disaster and they don’t want her to talk to Lindsay Lohan.
A source (aka Michael Lohan) tells TMZ that a few weeks ago, a staff member at Cliffside called up White Oprah for a little talk with LiLo. But when White Oprah got on the phone, the staff member immediately got secondhand-drunk, because she was thirty shades of plastered. The staff member canceled the conversation between LiLo and White Oprah. LiLo’s team at Cliffside also decided that it’s best if she doesn’t talk to White Oprah at all while she’s in rehab.
In White Oprah’s defense, she’s tanked during every phone call, because she’s always tanked. But I wish that the staff person at Cliffside hit the record button before they told White Oprah that she can’t talk to her precious ATM anymore. Bitch probably slur screamed at them for a minute, then told them she’d suck their dick if they patched her through, then she slur screamed again, then she told them she was going to get her sister from another mister Oprah to shut them down, then she slur screamed again before passing out on the receiver.
In other WO news, over the weekend, I was at my mom’s house, looking at these gorgeous, boner-inducing pictures of Tan Mom and my mom saw them on my screen and said, “Lindzeeeee’s mom looks terrible!” I know, what did Tan Mom ever do to deserve that comparison?