Category: Drunks

A Canadian Town Is Threatening Drunk Drivers With Nickelback Songs

December 1, 2016 / Posted by:

That’s right: CBC News reports that in Kensington, Prince Edward Island cops have threatened drunk drivers with a ride to the pokey complete with Nickelback soundtrack. In the nerve-fraying election aftermath it’s been pretty common to hear people talking about packing it all in and moving to Canada. Well, Canadians are notoriously nice, but after some polite laughter I think this is their way of saying, “Don’t get too close, bitch.”

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A Judge Gave Blake Shelton The Go Ahead To Sue InTouch For Claiming He’s A Drunk

April 19, 2016 / Posted by:

Last month, tall drink o’ moonshine Blake Shelton decided to sue InTouch for defamation after they ran a maybe-dirty cover story about him back in September. InTouch had accused Blake of being an alcoholic whose rock bottom included showing up to work on The Voice drunk and urinating in a mailbox. They also alleged that Blake’s boozing got so bad he was going to rehab.

InTouch responded to Blake’s lawsuit by crossing their heart, hoping to die, and swearing that all the words they printed about Blake being a mess were true. However, an editor for InTouch also claimed that they never explicitly used the words “Blake has checked into rehab” and therefore can’t be sued for defamation. So they asked a judge to take Blake’s defamation lawsuit and dump it in the trash.

But TMZ says that a judge wasn’t feeling it, and they’ve rejected InTouch’s request to have it thrown out. The judge side-eyed their claim about not writing that he was in rehab, since the words “REHAB For Blake” were written in giant letters on the cover. According to the judge, false claims of checking into rehab were worthy of a lawsuit. The judge also swatted at them for knowing that Blake wasn’t in rehab when they wrote and published the story, which, again, is sue-worthy.

Another argument InTouch used to try to convince the judge to trash Blake’s defamation lawsuit was his activity on Twitter. InTouch claimed that Blake has tweeted in the past about drinking and being drunk, and therefore he was already defaming his character. The judge rolled their eyes at that too.

Blake has clearly been taking subtlety tips from his girlfriend Gwen Stefani, because on Sunday he was seen on stage at a show in Florida drinking out of a cup with his initials on one side and “I drink, get over it” on the other. How convenient that his initials are BS. The only way that would have been a less-subtle slap at InTouch would be if he had that thing about drinking printed on the back of a cup from Florida University. Here’s more of Blake drankin’ and sangin’ and smoochin’ on his guitarist at the Tortuga Music Festival on Sunday.

Pics: Splash

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Blake Shelton Is Suing InTouch For Saying He’s A Drunk Mess Who Once Peed On A Mailbox

March 18, 2016 / Posted by:

BlakeShelton

Back in September, InTouch ran a cover story accusing Gwen Stefani’s country bro rebound boyfriend Blake Shelton of being a binge-drinking drunk who was forced into rehab after his ex-wife Miranda Lambert caught him in bed with a bunch of naked women. They also included a laundry list of alleged ways that Blake is a mess, including (but not limited to) drinking vodka before 11am, showing up to The Voice hammered, and drunkenly peeing on a mailbox.

Even though In Touch’s story read like the plot description for a direct-to-CMT parody of Leaving Las Vegas, Blake thought it was believable enough to qualify as slander and he’s lawyered up for real this time. Page Six says that Blake is suing InTouch’s publisher, Bauer Publishing, for $2 million dollars. According to the lawsuit, Blake makes it very clear that he has never been to rehab or hit rock bottom, like the cover claims. He also says he doesn’t have a drinking problem, doesn’t drink vodka before 11am, has never been drunk on The Voice, and my personal favorite, has never “urinated on a mailbox.” Blake Shelton: not a mailbox pisser! He also claims that Miranda never caught him with a bunch of naked chicks in their house. Maybe he saved it for his tour bus?

Page Six says that Bauer responded by claiming everything they said about Blake was “substantially true” and that they want his lawsuit thrown out.

I understand slapping at someone for talking shit (or piss, if you will) about you. But I’m not sure why he’s going after InTouch for $2 million. Especially since they’re doing a great job of writing the kind of fanfiction that keeps us interested in his current relationship. Besides, he’s acting like chugging vodka before noon and showing up to work drunk is a bad thing. I mean, around here, that’s the sort of stuff that will win you Employee of the Month.

Stephanie Seymour Is Off To Rehab

February 2, 2016 / Posted by:

Ah, the back seat of a car driven by somebody else. Probably should have picked this option the night I was busted for a DUI.

Last month, the secretary of Versace’s 90s supermodel squad Stephanie Seymour was busted for a DUI in Greenwich, Connecticut after she threw her Range Rover in reverse at a stop sign on an off-ramp and backed into another car. The driver of the car wasn’t injured, but for some reason – drunk, probably – she decided to double down on shit decisions by refusing to take a sobriety test when the police showed up. I’ve never been arrested for being a drunk mess in my car, so I didn’t know if what Stephanie did was bad or bad-bad (like clear your schedule for the next 4 to 6 months bad), but it appears it was just bad.

Stephanie was in court today to deal with that DUI situation, and the NY Daily News says she won’t be doing any time because her attorney asked for a trip to rehab instead. This was Stephanie’s first DUI, and apparently rehab is pretty common for a first offender. Stephanie didn’t say anything during her arraignment, but her attorney told the judge he doesn’t believe his client has a booze problem and that she’s been on her best behavior since her DUI.

No word on where she’s going, but we do know that Stephanie will still be allowed to drive while she completes the program. She’s due back in court on April 4th to give the judge an update on her progress.

I still have no idea how someone like Stephanie gets a DUI. For example, please take a look at what she wore to court today. In what world does a woman who is married to a billionaire and owns a pair of black leather long gloves and a rich bitch cape-coat not have a full-time driver named Jeeves? Stephanie, you cannot own gloves like that and be driving yourself around.

Pics: Splash

Drunktina Strikes Again!

December 15, 2015 / Posted by:

So you’re at Seth MacFarlane’s extra fancy Christmas party in Beverly Hills and to the right of you is Bill Maher and on stage is Meghan Trainor singing. How do you handle all that insufferableness? Well, any reasonable person would dunk their head in the spiked punch bowl and guzzle until it’s empty and you’re seven kinds of wasted. That’s what Page Six says that Xtina did. Although, Xtina probably does that every night of the week.

Xtina recently yodeled out a duet with Seth McFarlane at a Frank Sinatra tribute in NYC so he invited her to his annual Christmas party at his house. When you invite Drunktina to one of your parties, you should know that there’s a really good chance she’s going to pass out on your bed (see: Jeremy Renner’s party), display “questionable” behavior (see: Mimi’s party) and/or leave permanent red lip paint stains on your walls when her drunk ass bumps into them.

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