“Ah, the back seat of a car driven by somebody else. Probably should have picked this option the night I was busted for a DUI.”
Last month, the secretary of Versace’s 90s supermodel squad Stephanie Seymour was busted for a DUI in Greenwich, Connecticut after she threw her Range Rover in reverse at a stop sign on an off-ramp and backed into another car. The driver of the car wasn’t injured, but for some reason – drunk, probably – she decided to double down on shit decisions by refusing to take a sobriety test when the police showed up. I’ve never been arrested for being a drunk mess in my car, so I didn’t know if what Stephanie did was bad or bad-bad (like clear your schedule for the next 4 to 6 months bad), but it appears it was just bad.
Stephanie was in court today to deal with that DUI situation, and the NY Daily News says she won’t be doing any time because her attorney asked for a trip to rehab instead. This was Stephanie’s first DUI, and apparently rehab is pretty common for a first offender. Stephanie didn’t say anything during her arraignment, but her attorney told the judge he doesn’t believe his client has a booze problem and that she’s been on her best behavior since her DUI.
No word on where she’s going, but we do know that Stephanie will still be allowed to drive while she completes the program. She’s due back in court on April 4th to give the judge an update on her progress.
I still have no idea how someone like Stephanie gets a DUI. For example, please take a look at what she wore to court today. In what world does a woman who is married to a billionaire and owns a pair of black leather long gloves and a rich bitch cape-coat not have a full-time driver named Jeeves? Stephanie, you cannot own gloves like that and be driving yourself around.
So you’re at Seth MacFarlane’s extra fancy Christmas party in Beverly Hills and to the right of you is Bill Maher and on stage is Meghan Trainor singing. How do you handle all that insufferableness? Well, any reasonable person would dunk their head in the spiked punch bowl and guzzle until it’s empty and you’re seven kinds of wasted. That’s what Page Six says that Xtina did. Although, Xtina probably does that every night of the week.
Xtina recently yodeled out a duet with Seth McFarlane at a Frank Sinatra tribute in NYC so he invited her to his annual Christmas party at his house. When you invite Drunktina to one of your parties, you should know that there’s a really good chance she’s going to pass out on your bed (see: Jeremy Renner’s party), display “questionable” behavior (see: Mimi’s party) and/or leave permanent red lip paint stains on your walls when her drunk ass bumps into them.
The pineapple mullet hair on top of the head of The Weeknd (government name: Abel Makkonen Tesfaye) is apparently Internet famous and there’s Tumblr’s devoted to it and shit. During an interview with Rolling Stone, The Weeknd (Side note: My spell check just loves his stage name.) explained that four years ago, he decided to let his hair grow however it wants to grow and he’ll only cut it if it gets in his eyes. That led to him telling a weird story about his most bizarre encounter with a celebrity and of course that celebrity was Taylor Swift.
Despite the fact that he spent most of a recent concert in New Zealand chugging booze straight from the bottle and sucking back joints (or as he calls them, grown-up juice and silly daddy cigarettes), Justin Bieber – seen above shotgunning a beer in an Instagram video posted three weeks ago – is sober. Or at least that’s what Justin’s famous friends would like you to think.
TMZ says the humanoid tied-off Spring Break condom known as Riff Raff came to Justin’s defense by claiming that Justin isn’t the out-of-control toddler he sometimes appears to be. According to Riff Raff, he and Diplo were hanging out with Justin last week at a recording studio in Hollywood and he was too busy polishing his halo to engage in any bad boy behavior with them. Riff Raff says he and Diplo were “fucked up“, but that Justin was just saying NO to all that shit. They later decided to go to a club, and Riff Raff says Justin was sober the whole time.
When asked about the footage of him acting like Lampwick at Pleasure Island in New Zealand last week, Riff Raff says he may have fallen off the Little Tykes wagon, but added that it was probably just a one-time thing.
Okay, first of all, how in the world would Riff Raff and Diplo even know if someone is sober? Diplo is too busy nervously looking over his shoulders for Taylor Swift’s sugar cookie soldiers and starting shit with tweens on Twitter to notice if Justin slipped some hooch into his sippy cup. And Riff Raff – I mean, would Riff Raff even be able to recognize what “sober” is? Riff Raff’s sober is a regular person’s messy as fuck (or a Lohan’s buzzed).
Maybe TMZ should have asked Riff Raff to be more specific. He never said what they were “fucked up” on. “I was snorting lines of osteoporosis pills cut with Scrubbing Bubbles, but I swear Justin didn’t touch any of it.”
Here’s the poster boy of sobriety climbing a boat in Australia last week. Yeah, that’s totally something a not-high person does.
Drinking on the job? Millionaire fashion MOGULS are just like us!
I watch a lot of HSN and QVC, because they’re always selling pure, potent comedy for just 4 easy payments of zero dollars. It’s free laughs! I figure that some of them involved are either on pills, the sweet nectar, the good shit, the bad shit or all of the above, because some of the stuff that comes out of their mouths is unleaded WTF fuel and you’d have to be on something to sell that shit. Well, everyone’s favorite queef-brained fashion mogul was on HSN last night where she added more gold bars to her billion-dollar empire by selling crap from her fashion line. I hate myself for not knowing that she was on, because people who watched say that she was a mess from beginning to end. So far, there seems to be only one 30-second clip making the rounds and I’m not really getting “plastered” from this, but I am getting the Xanax rambles mixed with a few cups of red wine. Doctors call that a stage 2 Mariah Carey.
That doesn’t even come close to the Valium-induced train wreck of slurring messiness that Paula Abdul once served up on QVC. But if Jessica named those jeans herself, then all of the interventionists from Intervention need to drag her into rehab now. Because naming a pair of jeans “Kiss Me” jeans is a loud cry for help!
And here’s Messica and whatshisname at the airport a few days ago.
Passengers on an easyJet flight that landed at London Luton airport overdosed on potent amounts of elegance, class and gentility yesterday when they watched a 41-year-old supermodel call the pilot a “basic bitch” as her drunk ass was dragged off of the plane for screaming about wanting a damn drink and pouring herself her own drink from a bottle of vodka she had in her luggage. One passenger was overheard saying, “It’s like I’m in an episode of Downton Fucking Abbey,” while watching Kate Moss bust into a vodka rage before getting kicked off of a budget airline.
After filming his last appearance on the Late Show with David Letterman last night, no-fucks-given legend Bill Murray had a GHOSTBUSTER DOWN moment on the set of MSNBC’s The Last Word with Lawrence O’Donnell. Bill was apparently next-level hammered and when he went to sit down, that chair wanted no part of it and tossed his drunk ass. If you want to see Bill Murray doing an impression of what Michael K and I would look like while returning to the “Dlisted office” after 3-for-1 lunch drinks at Señor Sloppys, here it is.
Damn, if that isn’t the definition of too drunk. Even that messy bitch Slimer is like “Gurd god, gurt it togurther!” For those of you wondering if maybe he wasn’t actually ripped to shit and his fall was just the result of being old or mixing back pills with boner pills, no no – he was as drunk as your drunkest uncle after discovering a jug of homemade red wine in the basement at Christmas.
But back to Bill on Letterman. Bill Murray has been a regular guest on the Late Show for years, so David Letterman asked him to be his last guest ever. So he did what any good guest would do: he jumped out of a cake. Well, jumped is a little bit of an overstatement; it was really more of a cream-covered fall.
And Now For The Time Noted Booze Enthusiast Reese Witherspoon Started Drinking Before Noon At A Charity Auction
I see Reese Witherspoon’s thumbs up and raise her two thumbs up, because if there’s anything I can enthusiastically support, it’s christening my mouth with the good stuff before am turns to pm. I mean, not that I currently do – but I just like to keep my options open when it comes to where and when I get ripped, you know? Regardless, it sounds like AMERICAN CITIZEN Reese Witherspoon lives by the 5 O’Clock Somewhere Rule (aka one of America’s greatest contributions to modern civilization), because Star says she was recently spotted at a charity auction getting her drink on at 11:45am.
A source claims that Reese arrived to the event looking agitated and uneasy, but started to let loose after drinking glass of wine. Eventually one glass turned into two, and that’s when Reese Witherspoon turned into her boozy no-fucks-given life of the party alter-ego, Laura Jeanne Poon! The source tells Star:
“As Reese kept drinking, she started to feel more comfortable and got a lot chattier. She was bouncing around in her seat and entertaining her table.”
The source went on to say that Laura Jeanne had three glasses before noon, but that she wasn’t drunk. DUH, of course she wasn’t! First of all, Laura Jeanne Poon doesn’t get drunk, she gets fall-down gorgeous. Second, Laura Jeanne Poon can handle her booze like a champ, so don’t worry that she’s chugging bottles of peeno greege before noon. Thirdly, it doesn’t matter if Laura Jeanne was drunk at 11:45am; Laura Jeanne saw a lack of party, so she brought it. Laura Jeanne is charitable, after all.
Here’s more of Laura Jeanne’s less fun alter-ego Reese Witherspoon talking about her new movie Wild at the SoHo Apple store in NYC yesterday:
Leave it t professional polyester life mess Dina Lohan to find a way to make Michael Lohan’s wedding seem even trashier. Oh, White Oprah – how I’ve missed you, you gorgeous wine-scented butter-colored cocker spaniel. On Tuesday, TMZ broke the news that human ball rash Michael Lohan had married former Jon Gosselin humper and current knocked-up drunk muppet Kate Major on a beach in Florida last month. But White Oprah isn’t so sure about the whole thing.
TMZ caught up with The Ghost of Lindsay Lohan Future at LAX yesterday and asked if she knew about her ex-husband getting married (since his own kids sure as hell didn’t), and Dina answers that Michael texted her and told her he didn’t actually get married, adding the 4 words that most accurately define White Oprah: “I’m kind of confused.” That’s when TMZ tells Dina that there are pictures of Michael and Kate’s wedding, to which Dina calls bullshit, saying: “I don’t know, he said he didn’t, but then again…“. And because she’s nicknamed White Oprah for a reason, she ends the conversation by telling TMZ to “Follow the light“. I think she means the light to the fridge. Follow the light, and you’ll always find a chilled box of white wine!
Oh boy, who to believe? The messy lie-telling parent who says they got married or the messy lie-telling parent who says they didn’t? I mean, there’s a 98% chance that White Oprah was three sheets to the wind when they spoke to her in the airport, and she’s probably recalling a text conversation from 4 years ago, but there’s an even greater chance that Lindsay’s attention whore of a father faked the whole thing to get attention. The only way to get the truth is to interrogate Kate Major’s trash rat acrylic nails. Exquisite amateur porn star blowjob nail tips never lie!
According to Page Six, national treasure Chevy Chase served up some Drunk Pepaw at Thanksgiving realness a week early at the Humane Society’s To The Rescue! Gala last Friday in New York. Chevy was there to introduce Georgina Bloomberg, Amanda Hearst, and Kimberly Ovitz, but it sounds like he might have introduced his liver to several liters of the hard stuff before he crawled on stage, because guests at the event say he was a mess.
Apparently Chevy (who might actually be the real-life Pierce Hawthorne) was “a train wreck” who rambled on and repeated himself. His daughter – who was with him on stage – kept joking with him to knock it off and stick to the script. But even when he tried to gather his remaining sober brain cells and pull it together, but he was still a goddamn disaster. A source says that once he finally got around to mumbling out his introduction of Georgina, Amanda and Kimberly, he threw some shade by saying: “Kimberly Ovitz! Your father was my manager for 20 years, which explains why you haven’t seen me in a movie since 1988!” That’s when Georgina Bloomberg got on stage and read a messy bitch by saying “Thank you, Chevy, for making us all look so together.”
Damn, I don’t know if Chevy Chase was drunk or high or just stoned to hell and back on some of those super-strong pepaw pills, but it takes a lot to be the messiest mess at an event where half the guests are licking their buttholes and humping legs. Even the cats were probably throwing him side-eye as they horked up wet hairballs. Rule number one of getting sloppy: never out-sloppy anything dragging their balls across the carpet!