The Luxuriousness Of It All: DanRad’s Mane, Brows And Neck Beard Action

That picture is making me pull imaginary pubes out of my mouth.

“Oh, I didn’t know Sirius Black made a love child with a furry caterpillar” is what dozens of people said at the What’sOnStage Awards in London last night when Daniel Radcliffe sashayed on through with one of Brit Brit’s old parched weaves in his hair. DanRad installed a thirsty weave to play Igor in another movie version of Frankenstein, but he should definitely keep it after shooting finishes. He looks like a cross between a human Cavalier King Charles Spaniel and Robin Thicke in his hotter days.

All that hair! Any razor would go completely dull if you showed it this picture. That’s a picture that could make a laster hair removal machine catch fire and shut down. I take back what I said about DanRad’s weave coming from Brit Brit’s trash can. They obviously made that weave using DanRad’s shaved-off butt cheek hairs and the longer hairs from his crotch bush.

And I bet that when Hairy Potter flips that “Severus Snape after dipping in the ocean” beach hair,  b-holes within a 200 feet radius explode.

Pics: AP

So What The Hell Happened To Kristen Stewart?

Kristen Stewart hobbled into the Oscars on crutches last night and when she presented with Daniel Radcliffe, she limped and twitched like a strung out pimp suffering from severe diarrhea. KStew looked like her publicist peeled her off the bathroom floor, quickly sprayed her down with a hose, threw clothes on her body and pushed her out the door (basically, she looked like a hungover me trying to keep down the barfs while buying a breakfast burrito at Jack In The Box on a Saturday morning).

KStew looked like a visual dry heave, she acted like the Oscars were the last place she wanted to be and I think she left loogie pieces on the mic when she hacked and grunted into it. So some hos were wondering what in alley cat hell happened to her? Did Liberty Ross Nancy Kerrigan her in the knee? Is she trying really hard to get a role on The Walking Dead? Well, UsWeekly has the answer.

A source says that right before she presented, KStew ran into Anne Hathaway backstage and they had a moment that went like this:

Anne – Oh no!

KStew – I know, I’m an idiot. But congratulations!

Anne – Please tell me you’re going on stage with those crutches.

KStew – Nope. I’m gonna hobble.

Anne –  Well, break a leg. Oops!

KStew – I just hope the wound doesn’t open up right now.

End scene.

The source added that KStew told Anne that she cut her foot open when she accidentally stepped on glass.

I guess KStew learned the hard way that you should always put on a pair of sturdy house shoes before you walk around the crack house, because you never know when some rude and uncouth crackhead is going to leave their broken pipe on the floor. Some crackheads are such slobs. This is a lesson we must all learn.

And I also threw in some pictures of Liberty Ross’ nipples at last night’s Vanity Fair party, because why not.

Oh, It’s Just Harry Potter And Don Draper In A Tub Together

It’s SO true that from our 20s to our 40s, most of us will grow 10 inches taller and completely change in the face. So that’s why it makes sense that Daniel Radcliffe and Jon Hamm are playing the younger and older version of the same character in A Young Doctor’s Notebook, a mini-series that will air on Britain’s Sky Arts in December. Just from looking at the pictures of Jon Hamm, this mini-series looks like it’s about a man who gets addicted to the wrong kind of meth, gets involuntarily locked up in a methadone clinic for years and escapes wearing only his clinic gown and a swollen pair of junkie bags under his eyes. But that’s not what it’s about. The Daily Mail has the plot:

The semi-autobiographical series tells of his experiences as a young doctor working in the small village of Muryovo at the beginning of the Russian Revolution in 1917. Jon Hamm plays the older doctor, who experiences a series of comical exchanges with his younger self, played by Daniel Radcliffe. The Doctor looks back on his life and career by looking through his notebooks, as he tries to treat the patients of a village that is struggling to enter the modern age.

My eyes scanned that paragraph several times and nowhere in there did I see the sentence, “And then they make out with tongues in a tub.” What good is putting DanRad and Jon Hamm in a tub together if they don’t touch tongues? Screw this movie. I’m not going to watch that shit. Instead, I’m going to look at that picture and imagine DanRad’s peen and Jon Hamm’s peen in an underwater staring contest. (SPOILER ALERT: DanRad’s peen will lose when Jon’s gigantic Hamm log eats it.)

“Cooooooooooooooke?”

Don’t you just hate it when you mistake a salt shaker for a coke shaker (see: picture of LiLo above)?

As expected, Fox News kept up their reputation as the hardest working fuckery makers in the game by bringing a triple dose of fame whore to last night’s White House Correspondents’ Dinner at the Hilton in DC. Lindsay Lohan came as a guest of Fox’s Greta van Susteren, and Kim Kuntrashian and Pimp Mama Kris came as guests of Fox’s affiliate in the 9th circle of Hell. LiLo actually bathed with soap for the occasion and covered her freckled carcass with the discount Windsor Fashions dress you wore to your prom in 1989. Even though that cheap ass dress looks like it was made with doggy poop bags, it was perfect for the occasion. It showcased her saggy wrinkly side tit and its skirt completely covered up the bags that were strapped to her thighs to hold all the silverware, jooree and centerpieces she stole from the event. “What did I do with my diamond bracelet?” is definitely the most used sentence in DC this morning.

As for Kim and PMK, they dressed up as Whore Kristmas. Kim wore a velvet dress that’s the exact shade of the fumes that billow out of her cooze hole after she bumps wet parts with Kanye.  Pimp Mama Kris wore her creator’s favorite color and it looked like a dynamite stick stuffed with foundation blew up in her face right before she walked through a wind tunnel. Not only is bitch’s face pulled, but so is her hair. Pimp Mama Kris’ hair was standing straight up like it was reaching for God to help it.

I couldn’t find any pictures of Kim and LiLo together, but I’m assuming there will be some later after pictures from the Secret Service’s after-party held at the Super 8 in Virginia come out. In the meantime, here’s some pictures from last night. In order: LiLo, Rick Santorum (getting a quick buzz from breathing in the coke dust cloud that surrounds LiLo), Kim with PMK, Mary J. Blige with her husband Kendu Isaacs, DanRad with Ronan Farrow, Charlize Theron, Kate Hudson, Claire Danes, Sookeh with Beehl, Goldie Hawn, Rosario Dawson with a pair of plastic baby heads, Dakota Fanning, Ginnifer Goodwin (after a bedskirt bukkake session), Eva Longoria, Zooey Deschanel, Swizz Beak with Alicia Keys, Martha Stewart, Viola Davis with her husband Julius Tennon and Oprah’s handmaiden.

Harry Potter Prefers A Hairy Twatter

Doesn’t it seem like just yesterday the media was asking a young Daniel Radcliffe what kind of Legos he likes to play with (or whatever) and now the media is asking him about how he likes his coochie. They grow up so fast. DanRad and Heat Magazine (via Entertainmentwise) were talking about how he let his Jewish peen bush be great in Equus and that somehow led to him confessing that if he’s not pulling pubes off his tongue, he’s not messing with it:

“This is way too much information, but I don’t like girls with nothing down there either. It freaks me out. You have to have something, otherwise it’s fucking creepy,”

And now we know that DanRad has licked on a hairless skin mitten and it was creepy to his ass because it was like sucking on a hairless armadillo’s armpit or giving a raspberry to a plate of dried mangos. THANKS, Harry Potter. But I’m with him. Genital shrubs are there for a reason. It gives you something to look at while you’re down there and it sometimes protects your nose. What if you’re really getting into it and you accidentally scrape your nose on their crotch stubble. It can happen! A good day would be not having to explain to people that the scratch on your nose is from rubbing up against the stubble patch on your piece’s crotch.

The Wizard Sweat Was Spewing At Last Night’s Harry Potter Premiere

If you walked by the front of Avery Fisher Hall in NYC last night and wondered why hundreds of Harry Potter fangirls were licking the red carpet and scooting their Muggle ‘ginas like proud graduates of Toby’s School of New Tricks, it’s because Tom Felton, Daniel Radcliffe and Rupert Grint nearly melted their nipples off and drops of their DNA splattered all over the place.

NYC is currently trapped in one of Lucifer’s wet butt bubbles and the Harry Potter boys were forced to cover most of their body pores in suits from Friar Tux black label collection, so they were pretty much trying to learn how to pant from all of their exposed orifices. But not Emma Watson! Even though Emma looked like a rabid raccoon trying to scurry out of a burlap sack stuck to some opera curtains, she could raise her hand and be sure! And not only was Emma one of the only ones whose body didn’t feel like a dirty armpit pad at the end of the night, but she’s also been drunk before! FYI:

Here’s more from last night’s premiere. In order: All those HP chirruns, Alan Rickman, Ugly Betty, SJP with a tiny gondolier, Seth Green with his wife, Mister Jay (wearing the carcass of a spirit animal), Joey Fat One with his family and Matthew Broderick.