Ronnie Wood Is Trying The Marriage Thing Again For A Third Time

Paul McCartney always keeps bodyguards armed with bags of termites near him just in case Heather Mills shows up to attack his ass and since he was a guest at Ronnie Wood’s wedding yesterday, she wasn’t there to congratulate the bride on a gold digging job well done. Ronnie’s bride will get her gold digger certificate of excellence from Heather Mills in the mail.

65-year-old Ronnie Wood became somebody’s husband for the third time yesterday when he married his 34-year-old theater producer girlfriend Sally Humphreys at the Dorchester Hotel in London. Ronnie’s best man was Rod Stewart, who looked like he was trying hard to hold the barfs in while walking through a wind tunnel, and Paul McCartney was also there. Ronnie’s bandmates Mick Jagger and Keith Richards weren’t there, because I’m sure they went to one of his other weddings and when you’ve been to one Ronnie Wood wedding, you’ve been to them all. Besides, even though some of them are sober (I think), when they get together in the same room, scared bitches start stocking up on booze thinking a shortage is coming.

When Ronnie left his reception last night, he said this to The Sun’s reporter:

“I’m feeling great. It was excellent, so great. Brilliant.”

I know, you just had to read those words. They are really important.

You’re probably thinking that Ronnie’s latest marriage is going to last about as long as a sex fart, but I have a feeling it’s going to last a little bit longer than that. Sally sort of looks Snow White-ish and Ronnie looks like a Magic Troll doll who chopped off all his hair, moved to the enchanted forest and became the leader of the woodland creatures. Snow White loves creatures of the enchanted forest, so they’re perfect for each other!

This Does Not Amuse Courtney Love

At last night’s 12-12-12 benefit show for Hurricane Sandy relief, Krist Novoselic, Dave Grohl, a crushed velvet shirt and Pat Smear reunited to play a new song with Paul McCartney. I know, tacky whores. Instead of getting Paul McCartney, they should’ve used a Kurt Cobain hologram. Sadly, they didn’t play “Rape Me” and dedicate it to Heather Mills and her lawyers. They sang a new song called “Cut Me Some Slack.” Cut some slack is not something that Courtney Love’s crazy ass is interested in doing.

TMZ says that Courtney Love took a break from making antique wedding dresses out of used crack foil and opened her yap hole to spill out a stream of hate over Paul McCartney singing with the surviving members of Nirvana. Since the inside of Courtney Love’s head is an empty playground of delusion, she thinks she’s the voice of Nirvana and wasn’t amused that Paul was singing with them. Courtney doesn’t like that Dave called it a “Nirvana reunion,” because Kurt was the beating heart of the band and without him, Nirvana can never exist again. Courtney didn’t like that the idea of Paul singing with Nirvana and thinks John Lennon would’ve been better.

I’m actually shocked that Courtney Love didn’t break into Yoko Ono’s apartment, steal John Lennon’s ashes (that’s if Yoko didn’t turned Lennon’s ashes into a diamond charm for her labia ring) and then rush the stage at the 12-12-12 concert to spread ’em while Nirvana and Paul McCartney played. That would’ve been more entertaining than that “Cut Me Some Slack” song. But I am here for that crushed velvet shirt.

Here’s a few pictures of the tricks and tramps who overdressed (see: Blake NotSoLively and Katie Holmes) to pose at the 12-12-12 concert in NYC last night. In order: Blake, Chelsea Clinton, Cristal Connors, Jeremy Piven, the robot formerly known as Stepford Katie, Susan Sarandon and Tony Danza.

Paul McCartney Is Somebody’s Husband Again

On what would’ve been John Lennon’s 71st birthday, Paul McCartney threw himself into the marriage thing again by making the serious businesswoman daughter of a New Jersey shipping magnate (Daughter of a New Jersey Shipping Magnate should really be a band name) his third wife in London. 69-year-old Paul and 51-year-old Nancy Shevell said “until the cunt wrath of Heather Mills” does us part in front of guests including her cousin Barbara Walters and Ringo Starr at the Old Marylebone Town Hall, the same place where he married his first wife Linda in the 60s. Well, maybe he got married there again because they waived his marriage license fee since he’s a returning customer.

Both Nancy and Paul wore outfits made by his daughter Stella McCartney. Paul and Heather’s daughter Beatrice was the flower girl and he gave his new wife Nancy a fancy 5-carat diamond wedding band by Neil Lane. People says that after the wedding, everyone went back to Paul’s mansion to slurp on vegan food as they nervously looked for Heather Mills to fly in on a broom that doubles as her other leg.

You know, Nancy and Paul look so happy that they could fart out heart-shaped clouds (and since they’re eating vegan food, they probably will) and she has enough money to bathe in hundred dollar bills every night so I doubt she’s putting her shovel under his fortune, but I just can’t get into them. They are so damn boring! Nancy is the human equivalent of a Kate Middleton yawn. Just look at those shoes. Those shoes are straight out of the memaw of the bride collection at Payless. If Nancy was a toddler getting her First Communion, then wearing those shoes would’ve been okay.

I mean, if this was Heather Mills’ wedding, she would’ve already karate-pegged a bitch for throwing petals instead of money and she definitely would’ve ripped off the head of a white to dove to pour its blood on the paparazzi. Those were the days. As boring as they are, I’m sure Nancy and Paul will last FOREVER! But mainly because Nancy is going to do whatever she can to NOT join Heather Mills in The Paul McCartney’s Ex-Wives Club.

Paul McCartney Really Hasn’t Learned Shit

Paul McCartney’s savings account is still raw from Heather Mill’s butt fucking millions of coins out of it and now it has a new reason to cry while searching Google for reputable anal reconstructive surgeons. As you know, Paul McCartney is going to make New Jersey businesswoman Nancy Shevell his third wife and he’s going to do so without protecting his savings accounts with a butt plug in the form of a prenup. The Gold Digger Gazette has just found its sexiest man of every year.

A source tells Popeater that Sir Paul’s lawyers have put together a single-page document stating that Nancy won’t go after his fortune if they divorce, but there will be no prenup. Nancy is no Heather Mills and she not only has her own money, but her family’s bidet shoots out liquid gold (basically, they’re rich). The source goes on, “There’s no need to make marriage a business arrangement. They are the perfect couple. And have both had a huge impact on each other. She has once again shown him that falling in love doesn’t have to hurt. This one will last forever. She is the opposite of Heather and hates the public spotlight, plus she doesn’t need his money to live a great life.”

Sir Paul obviously doesn’t know that the only thing better than having a lot of money is having even more fucking money! Maybe Sir Paul’s naive optimism will work in his favor this time around (SPOILER ALERT: it won’t). But if Sir Paul’s future third marriage does find itself in a divorce casket, Nancy better go into hiding right away. Do not put it past Heather Mills to make a skin suit out of Nancy and assume her identity so she can collect a second divorce settlement from Paul. Heather Mill’s glorious gold digging ways know no bounds. Paul’s lawyers better make Nancy hop on her left leg before she collects her divorce settlement. Shit, Heather Mills can do that too, right?

Has Paul McCartney Not Learned Anything From The Heather Mills Fiasco?!

And there’s Heather Mills lurking in the background waiting for the perfect moment to douse her future replacement with tap water and cunt-infused saliva. (Note: It’s actually Michelle Williams, but facts always take a backseat to fictionalized drama.) 69-year-old Paul McCartney will try this whole marriage thing for the third time with his 51-year-old serious businesswoman girlfriend of 4 years Nancy Shevell. Paul and Nancy met in the Hamptons back in 2007. This will be Nancy’s second marriage. A source type tells People:

“Nancy and Paul are getting married. Ring and all – very exciting. They have the right chemistry. They’re both cool, chilled out and optimistic.”

Yes, I’m sure Paul remembered how he spent many a night picking the scabs off of his b-hole after getting burned by the cuntress of cunts Heather Mills, so he proposed to Nancy with an engagement ring made out of prenup documents. Good move.

The source says that they are both cool and optimistic, but you know they are going to get married while surrounded by a moat, a circle of hot coals, an army of woodchoppers and slabs of bloody beef. That’s one way to ward off the evil spirits (aka Heather “Gimmebills” Mills).

Mery Streep & Sandy Bullock: Leeeeeez Be Friends Forever!

Leading up to the Oscars, there’s ten million award shows where hos slip into something sparkly, spray their wet parts with perfume and make sure their titties sit up real nice. And I’m just talking about the dudes. Anyway, last night the hos of Hollywood wore their prom best for the Critics Choice Awards, which honors blah blah in blah blah for blah blah.

When Bradley Cooper opened the envelope to announce the winner of Best Actress in a Film, he declared that it was a TIE! Sandy Bullock (for The Blind Side) and Meryl Streep (for Julie & Julia) both won. Sandy must have left her chola attitude in George Lopez’s green room, because if she still had it with her, she would’ve taken a razor out of her hair and cut Meryl.

Instead, Sandy and Meryl kissed like the Simpson family on Christmas morning. Well, almost like the Simpson family. Sandy didn’t use tongue. Sandy doesn’t even kiss her husband with tongue before the sun sets, so it’s not surprising that she didn’t French on Meryl.

Here’s hoping that Sandy and Meryl have started a trend. At this Sunday’s Golden Globes, I’m crossing my ass lips that George Clooney and Colin Firth tie for Best Actor. And if they do, they better take those panties off and touch tongues! It’s the new way. Hell, I’d even settle for Morgan Freeman and Jeff Bridges.

Below is the clip of Meryl and Sandy’s G-rated lezzie lip-lock.

And here’s some pictures of hos from last night’s show including: Tom Ford, Julianne Moore, John Cho, Zachary Quinto, an escaped grizzly bear from the zoo, Emily Blunt, Sandy B, Kristin Chenoweth, Marion Cotillard, Purdy Zac Efron, Morgan Freeman with his ladyfreeend, Heather Graham, some virgin, Edward Gayhands, Heather Mills’ voodoo doll, Mo’Nique with her piece, Carey Mulligan, Zoe Saldana and Gabourey Sidibe.