Jose Canseco Wants To Be Lord Caca

As Lady Gaga performed as both Catra and Octavia in a broke down goth version of She-Ra on Good Morning America today (performances here), Jose Canseco was probably dressed in his night time baseball armor and softly caressing his TV screen like it was his bride on their wedding day. Jose shared his love with Madonna 1.0 many years ago and now he’s hoping that Lady Gaga will take her Madge impersonation way too far by riding her unicorn keyboard into the sunset with him.

On Twitter the other night, Jose Tweeted a beautiful love poem dedicated to his queen (via UsWeekly):

I love lady gaga wish I could meet her .would marry her in a second
23 May

Lady gaga is the truth get use to it
23 May

Her song Judas is what we fight with everyday since we are born evil
23 May

I am her night in baseball armor
23 May

She is the queen
23 May

Lady gaga where r u did u get my marriage proposal I am at cocoa casino in yuma Arizona
24 May

“Night in Baseball Armor” is so the title of Gaga’s next album.

But I must tell Jose that if he hopes to successfully woo Gaga by publicly whispering sweet Tweets into her retinas, then maybe he should give her the correct name of the fucking casino he’s staying at! It’s the COCOPAH CASINO! Yes, I’ve been there. (Now is not the time to judge when love is on the line). The saddest image of the day is Caca standing alone in the parking lot of some cocoa casino in Yuma with a bridal bouquet in her hands, waiting to see baseball armor float through the night.

The Lord Will File A Copyright Infringement Lawsuit Against Kim Kardashian in 3..2..

Nobody does gross the way the Kardashians do gross and Kris Humphries knows this, so it wasn't gross enough for him to give Kim Kardashian a $2 million diamond engagement ring that weighs more than the extra crusty bead of slobber that comes trickling out of Khloe's mouth when she spots of family of goats in the distance. No, Kris had to go all the way gross by etching two bible passages into Kim's ring. That's what TMZ is saying. So far, only Kris, Kim, Pimp Mama Kris, the jewelers, God's lawyers and the editors of several tabloids know which bible passages are burned into the ring of a famewhore.

Seriously. We can laugh at how a family whose souls are simmering in jars in Satan's apothecary are quoting the bible in their gaudy ass rings, but we're assuming that the Kardashians consider the holy bible their bible, which you know they don't. They think the holy bible is just a hotel manual for their assistants to read. Obviously, the bible to them is Kardashian Konfidential (found on the bathroom stall floor of your local Barnes & Noble). So there's no reason to have a God Warrior meltdown over this. The only passages etched into Kim's ring are:

"I'm Armenian and I get oily" – Khloe 3:69

and

"I remember one day I was kissing Mason and he spit up in my mouth and I loved it." – Kourtney 2:6gross.

Or maybe they got really deep and etched this quote into her ring: "Well shake it, shake it, shake it, shake it, shake that healthy butt" – The Book of Sir Mix-A-Lot

(Image via People )

Looking Hot, Jude, Looking Hot

With a thin layer of bald head balm SPF slathered on his head, Jude Law proved that he’s the anti-Travolta by going toupee-free in Cannes yesterday afternoon. Jude is wig-free and loving it! I don’t blame the former hair citizens on Jude’s head, though. Would you rather be sitting on Jude’s head or would you rather uproot and mosey down south to sit next to his lucky penny areolas? Exactly.

Besides, that little powder puff of hair on top of his head is sort of cute. Some might see it as a ball of sad without any friends. Not Me. I see it as an afro wig for a giant’s clitoris. And who doesn’t love clit wigs?

An Open Letter To Selena Gomez

Dear Selena Gomez,

When Chris Hansen asked you to have a seat over there, he didn't mean on Justin Bieber's 17-year-old crotch.

Sincerely yours,
Michael

P.S. – Thanks to you, everybody who looks at these pictures is going to jail now. Thank you. You’re single-handedly responsible for overcrowded prisons. You, sucia pedo puta, you. Good going.

P.P.S. – When you’re singing Baby Bieber a goodnight lullaby in his bassinet tonight, please let him know through song that the organizers of the National Weight Lifting Competition are impressed that his parakeet arms were able to lift your NOT RIGHT ass in the water. They’d like him to compete in their toddler division this year.

P.P.P.S – A covered playpen: get one next time.

One Last Shot For The Road!

The alcohol supply in England is surprisingly starting to dwindle again and the country is very close to begging Ireland for a bailout. Before they resort to such extreme measures, they are sending their biggest consumer of booze off to the tank so that they can replenish their sweet nectar resources. Smirnoff's favorite blow job partner, Amy Wino, has once again been shipped off to rehab for the (insert the number of times in the past 10 minutes you've sniffed Wite-Out to get you through this Friday morning)th in her lifetime. But before the coke line on my mirrored heart checked into rehab, she left England with one last parting shot!

The Sun says that minutes before Wino surrendered herself into The Priory, she stumbled into a nearby hair salon and gave them something to remember her by. One customer said that Wino ran into the salon's bathroom and loudly hacked into the toilet. The sound was not unlike that of a zombie getting murdered via chainsaw fellatio. (A customer was smart enough to record Wino barfing into a toilet and they have since sold it to the sound editors of AMC's The Walking Dead).

The customer said that the staff was too scared to say anything. Wino apologized for ruining their bathroom with her puke. Minutes after Wino left, men in yellow astronaut suits swept in, tented the place and shuffled the customers off to a year-long quarantine. The toilet was later sold on the underground black market to North Korea who will use it as a weapon of mass destruction.

Naturally when one pukes, one wants to rinse out the layer of vom from their mouth with heaven's tears: VODKA! Wino walked into Meadway Food & Wine, and bought a bottle of Smirnoff vodka. Wino blessed her insides by taking a quick swig before leaving the store to check into rehab.

If I got a vodka shot for every time I typed "Oh, Wino, Wino, Wino..." I'd probably be puking my liquefied liver out into a beauty salon toilet. But I'll type it one more time: Oh, Wino, Wino, Wino! What we really need from her is a new album. That's what we really need. At this point, I'd even settle for an album of her barfing into toilets, gargling with vodka and ripping out a rehab technician's jugular vein with her bare teeth for filling her IV drip with nutrients instead of gin. Wino can call it Barf This Way. Her first singles will be "Edge of Gory" and "Pukis." I'd totally buy it on Amazon for 99 cents!

The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For May 26th!

If Michelle Duggar had been born an elephant. – becky n sydney

Runners-up:

When Snooki demands yet more money MTV shows her they have replacements lined up and waiting. – saltydog88 V

ivid's biggest studs carb-load in India before entering the Backdoor Into Chyna. – OurMissC

Once Obama disclosed his birth certificate, the GOP scrambled to find Sarah Palin's high school diploma. – Tyroan

via FunPic