James Franco Admits He’s Kissed Lindsay Lohan, But That’s It (Uh Huh)

One-half of one of my favourite train wrecks of all time James Franco was on Howard Stern’s radio show Wednesday morning, where he once again said that inclusion of his name on Lindsay Lohan’s list of contaminated penises is either typo or a Lohan Lie (it’s a special kind of lie, laced with delusion and coke dust) and he swore up and down on his mother’s life that he NEVAH stuck his jizz joint in her coke clam. However, MTV says he did admit to doing something just as risky and dangerous as rubbing genitals with that contaminated crazy; he kissed her ON THE MOUTH. I just held my mouth in a tight embrace and reassured it I would never do something so careless and irresponsible.

“I will swear on anything you ask that I have never had sex with Lindsay Lohan. All right, we maybe kissed. It was lame. I can’t believe she put me on that private list, she’s so delusional!”

“When we made out it was so long ago. I was like a nice guy,” he said, recalling that their make-out happened when he was filming Spider-Man 2 in New York in 2004. “‘Okay [I said], the kiss is enough.’ It was also like, ‘What the hell am I doing?’ She was young.”

How young? Well, back in Spider-Man 2 times, Lohan was 17 or 18-years-old, and James Franco would have been around 26, which isn’t the worst, but any pairing that might get a thumbs-up from Wilmer Valderrama should always a bit of a red flag. Franco then reminded Howard about all the times she tried to bone him at the Chateau Marmont, adding this new Alex Forrest-y detail:

“She even broke into my room one time. I was on the couch and opened my eyes and there’s Lindsay in my room at 3 am.”

And I’m sure that’s when “nice guy” James Franco told her to close her legs, gave her a mug of warm milk, and sent her back to her own bedroom. Listen James, you want to convince us you never slept with Lindsay Lohan? It’s simple, really: just show us your penis. If it’s not covered in a weird freckled rash, smells like cheap self-tanner, and has an orange polyester hair extension tangled around the base, then you’re off the hook. You can send the pictures to either Michael K or myself (preferably myself).

Ice Cube Would Like To Take Back His Comments About Being Robbed At The MTV Movie Awards

Before the MTV Movie Awards on Sunday, Ice Cube tweeted that he was sure he and his Ride Along co-star Kevin Hart were going to take home a cheap-looking popcorn trophy for Best Onscreen Duo, even going so far as to say if they didn’t win, the whole thing was fixed. Really, Ice Cube? Of course it was fixed; it was fixed the second Paul Walker flew up to Heaven on a tank of NOS. But instead of practicing his runner-up pageant clap, Ice Cube prepared an acceptance speech, because he has ice cubes for brains.

Surely enough, Paul Walker and Vin Diesel won Best Onscreen Duo, and Ice Cube turned into Ice Cream: The Bitchy Pageant Queen, first by leaving halfway through the ceremony, then by telling USA Today that he and Hart were “robbed” and that Paul Walker and Vin Diesel only won out of “sympathy”. DUH! If anyone deserves our sympathy, it’s this man. But also duh because Paul Walker RIP and whatnot.

Eventually, Ice Cube stopped pouting long enough to realize that maybe he was a bit too quick with the Nancy Kerrigan act, and started back-pedalling on Twitter:

Re: The MTV Awards. I wasn't really mad we didn't win. So I would never diss the actors who won. Not even Paul Walker. Seriously people!

— Ice Cube (@icecube) April 15, 2014

Re: The sympathy vote: We should honor people before they die. That's all. Shame on you "make something out of nothing" ass reporters. Smh

— Ice Cube (@icecube) April 15, 2014

Re: Leaving early from the MTV Awards. They told me our catagory wasn't gonna be televised. So I left. Just promoting that RIDE ALONG DVD.

— Ice Cube (@icecube) April 15, 2014

I’m willing to cut Ice Cube some slack because obviously no one’s told him that an MTV Movie Award isn’t a real award and that if he wants one so badly, he could probably buy one of Pauly Shore’s on eBay for $10. But at the very least he should know the hierarchy of award winning is Dead Person, then Old Person, Daniel Day Lewis, Actress In Ugly Drag, and then everyone else.

Wheelchair Jimmy Calls Macklemore’s Grammy Night Apology ‘Whack’, Then Says He’s Quitting Magazines

Someone call Drake’s mom and tell her she needs to fire up the griddle and get to making some feel-better flapjacks, because he’s having the kind of meltdown that can only be fixed by falling into a maple syrup-soaked food coma. It all started when Drake gave an interview to Rolling Stone (via NY Daily News) where he spit some hot truth about that pathetically eye-rollable apology text Macklemore sent to Kendrick Lamar after he won the Grammy for Best Rap Album, explaining why he thought “that shit was whack as fuck”:

“I was like, ‘You won. Why are you posting your text message? Just chill,” Drake said. “Take your W, and if you feel you don’t deserve it, go get better — make your music.”

“Why do that? Why feel guilt?” he added. “You think those guys would pay homage to you if they won? To name just Kendrick? That shit made me feel funny. No, in that case, you robbed everybody. We all need text messages!”