Category: Why God Why?
What In Let Them Eat Butter Hell?
Before fallen butter queen Paula Deen was kicked off of Dancing with the Has-Beens last night, she made retinas shrivel up one last time when she recreated Madonna’s 1990 MTV VMAs performance of “Vogue.” Whoever came up with this idea obviously hates humanity in a major way, because nobody asked for this and nobody wanted it.
Vogueing was created by the black and latin gay men and transgender women of the Harlem ballroom scene and now here’s Paula Deen of all messes trying to do it while done up in Marie AnTWATnette drag. I say “trying,” because that’s not Vogueing at all. She looks more like a mummy on Ambien doing the Macarena. You’d think that Paula was performing it in the middle of an NAACP meeting, because she was the opposite of comfortable. This definitely made Madge roll in her coffin this morning. Yes, she was in a coffin. She’s a vampire! Where else is she supposed to sleep?
My thoughts go out to the two boy dancers who got a face full of Paula Deen’s butterball bosoms. Right after this performance, their faces jumped off of their heads and are now running all over Los Angeles while looking for a pool of bleach to soak in.
Justin Bieber Wants His Dick Off Of The Internet, But He’s Glad You Saw It
No, I’m not going to guess what that finger smells like, because I’m way too hungover and not drunk enough for that.
The world hasn’t been the same ever since Justin Bieber’s Canadian breakfast sausage hit the Internet. Lives and relationships have been destroyed. Case in point: One of my friends said to me, “I can’t believe Justin Bieber’s dick is more impressive than Lenny Kravitz’s.” I would tell you that friend’s name, but I erased it from my memory, because she is forever dead to me now.
Speaking of erasing stuff, Justin Bieber’s lawyers are trying to scrub the Internet of the pictures of Biebs’ peen breathing in the Bora Bora air. The Hollywood Reporter says that his lawyers have hit the New York Daily News, the first ones to post the pics, with a cease and desist letter and are demanding that they yank Justin Bieber’s dick. As of right this second, the pictures are still up on the NYDN’s site.
RiRi On The Difficult Brown, One-Night Stands And “Hero” Rachel Dolezal
RiRi doesn’t really have anything to sell right now, besides her daily pap walks, Instagram posts and bottles of stank, but she’s on the cover of Vanity Fair and in the interview, she says words about everything from Chris Brown to casual boning to Rachel Dolezal. If your brain completely erased every memory of Rachel Dolezal, I’m jealous of you. But let me remind you who that mess is. Rachel Dolezal is Sideshow Bob’s transracial second cousin who pretended to be black and was the only thing the media talked about for a little while. You know, she was the Kim Davis of June 2015. We all forgot about Rachel Dolezal until RiRi said her name again. Damn you, RiRi, you woke the fame whore beast! But before we get to that…
Jessa And Jill Duggar Are Coming Back To TLC
When TLC quietly slid 19 Kids and Counting into the trash bin after pedophile potato Josh Duggar admitted to molesting many young girls including his sisters, there were rumors that they weren’t done with the Duggars just yet and were planning to give Jessa and Jill Duggar their own spin-off show. You know, because Jim Bob Duggar is basically the Quiverfull version of Pimp Mama Kris and TLC isn’t ready to let their gravy train go just yet. Well, that rumor became a fact and today, TLC announced that Jessa and Jill will star in their own specials. The specials will air directly after TLC’s new show Say No To The Gays, a show which follows Kim Davis as she travels the country and denies marriage licenses to gay couples.
Hillary Clinton Said A Few Nice Things About Kim Kartrashian….
And now here’s something from the department of: MOTHERFUCK WHY, HILLARY, WHY!!!!?!!!!!
Last month, Hillary Clinton took a selfie and talked with the President of the United States of Yeezus, Kanye West, and his plastic creation Kim Kartrashian at a fundraiser , because I guess she figured that the golden showers lovers demographic is still a demographic she can get votes from. That selfie scared me more than a closed sign on an In-N-Out, but Hillary’s gotta hustle and believe it or not, the Kartrashians kult is full of brainwashed followers who will do whatever they say (proof: the fact that they still exist). But Hillary went too, too far last night…
This Is What Synergy Looks Like In That Abomination Of A Jem Movie
Reminder: This is what Syngery looked like in the Jem and the Holograms cartoon.
My thoughts exactly, Jem. Cry time, Synergy!
The newest trailer for the blasphemous and hurtful Jem and the Holograms movie was shat up onto the Internet today and for the first time we see what Synergy looks like. They took an iris and pupil-free digital goddess and turned her into some discount PC-only webcam your auntie bought on clearance at Brookstone for you for Christmas. Synergy is now just some cheap ass home movie projector. How can they turn a work of art into that crap? It’s as if someone showed you a lump of cold shit and told you that was their interpretation of Monet’s “Water Lilies.”
WHY????????
It feels like the makers of this cinematic bullet headed straight for the heart of 80s childhoods heard everyone scream, “THIS IS NOT MY JEM!“, after the first diarrhea puddle of a trailer was released and so they did some quick re-shoots to Jem-ify it more. It still looks like an ABC Family movie that was made for 12-year-old One Direction fans who have no idea what a Jem is.
The makers of this should be arrested and tried for the first-degree murders of Jem and Synergy!