Dear Iggy Azalea, Now THIS Is How It’s Done

By now, you’ve definitely joined the entire world in simultaneously screaming “What in the name of Spokane’s Most Wanted fuckery?” after learning about  Rachel Dolezal, the NAACP leader whose hating hater parents outed her as not black to the local news. On the left is a young Rachel looking like a Little House on the Prairie Jan Brady and on the right is a Bronzer-covered Rachel today giving you Jane Child meets Monica-back-from-Barbados.

As usual, I’m a day late and more than a dollar short with this story, so both Buzzfeed and The Daily Dot have all the details and more pictures. But basically, Rachel pulled some Sommersby shit. But instead of pretending to be the soldier husband of Jodie Foster, she allegedly pretended to be a part black woman with black kids and a black dad. 37-year-old Rachel is the president of Spokane, Washington’s NAACP chapter and her totally white parents claim that she’s been saying she’s part black for almost 10 years. Rachel’s parents told the news that she’s Czech, Swedish, German and possibly a little Native American. They gave the media a copy of her birth certificate and old pictures of her as proof. Rachel claims she’s mixed with white, black and Native American. Rachel’s mom and dad haven’t had contact with her in years, because they claim she doesn’t want to be seen with their white asses out in public. Rachel’s parents didn’t stop there. They went all the way and said that her claim that she was born in a teepee in Montana (I can’t) is a lie and that the dude she claims is her son is really her adopted brother. Before all of this came out, Rachel admitted in an interview that her “son” is actually her brother. She also continued to swear that she’s black and said she’d take a DNA test.

Rachel’s parents didn’t say why they decided to EXPOSE her like that to the media.

Rachel, who has her masters from Howard, isn’t only the president of the NAACP’s Spokane chapter, she’s also a part-time professor of Africana Studies at Eastern Washington University and she chairs a city police oversight commission.

I’ve seen a million opinions about this mess. Some think that Rachel is the new Cultural Appropriation Queen, because she has taken cultural appropriation to brand new levels of THE FUCK? Others think that even though Rachel is probably the first civil rights leader who is pretending to be black, she’s not the first white civil rights activist and bitches should just let her be happy and leave her alone.

The city of Spokane says they are investigating this.

Questions about Rachel’s race came up before her parents called her out like that. Apparently, some people have been side-eying Rachel’s background for years, but during a recent interview with KXLY about a threatening package that ended up in the NAACP’s PO Box, she got caught. The reporter busted a reverse “Show me the receipts, Diane” on Rachel by bringing out a picture of her white dad. He also asked her straight-up if she’s African American.

THAT PAUSE. That’s the kind of pause John Travolta would take if someone asked him if his Scientolohole gets hungry for massage therapist peen. I wish that Rachel would’ve channeled Naomi Campbell by saying, “I’m not here for that,” before checking the hell out of there.

I’m sure Hollywood has canceled their weekend plans, because they need to fast-track the Rachel Dolezal biopic. Everyone has been saying that Emma Stone should play Rachel since she’s a one-woman It’s A Small World ride and can play any race. But my vote goes to Dame St. Angie Jolie. I mean, she’s already got the wig!