Kendra Wilkinson Claims That Holly Madison Was Hef’s “Clean-Up Girl”

Since Holly Madison is peddling a new book called The Vegas Diaries, she is once again going on about how being a member of Hugh Hefner’s harem of rotating plastic blondes killed her inside and that she was constantly living in fear because of competition with the other hos. Holly’s face is on the cover of this week’s People under the words, “I Was Living in Fear,” and well, her arch rival Kendra Wilkinson had something to say about it. And thanks to Kendra, the walls of my nightmares will be covered with new images.

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Praise Jesus! “19 Kids And Counting” Might Be Coming Back To TLC

The executives at TLC recently looked at their Rolex watches and realized that it’s been about 198 days, 4 hours, 23 minutes and 10 seconds since they pushed 19 Kids and Counting to the side. They probably figured that enough time has gone by for everyone to have completely forgotten about how one of the Duggars child touched his sisters and his parents dribbled out a river of holy bullshit while defending him. The TLC executives are right. We all have the memory of a goldfish with amnesia, so we don’t at all remember all of that and we’ll probably say, “What is this fresh new wholesome show?”, when TLC puts out the trailer for the new seasons of 19 Kids.

The Christian Post says that while rotting potato Josh Duggar is still in sex rehab for trolling for ass on Ashley Madison (because you know, that’s something to be “punished” over, but child touching stuff isn’t), his family of baby machines and the dudes they slave over are filming a new season of 19 Kids. TLC just couldn’t ignore the dollar signs that filled their eyes when their specials about Jill and Jessa Duggar did well. So they’re bringing that mess back. The rumor is that the new 19 Kids will follow 25-year-old washed-up geriatric old maid Jana Duggar as her crazy-eyed gorgeous mother and her creepy-faced dad force her to side-hug her way through possible human jizz machine after possible human jizz machine until they find the one who will turn her uterus into an always-booked Motel 6 for fetuses. At least that’s how I read Christian Post’s description:

Reports show that a camera crew was recently seen with the Duggar family. They were seen in several locations such as a lumberyard and a thrift store.

In addition, it was revealed that the upcoming focus of the new season will be on Jana Duggar. The premiere of the upcoming season will show her opening up about her sentiments on being single. Her younger sisters are already married and have families of their own, which causes her to compare herself to them.

Yeah, no. I don’t think that’s the direction TLC should take. The show should follow Jana after she escapes her mess of a family, goes to NYC to do a tell-all interview and decides to stay in the city. Jana will move in with a gay struggling actor and get a job as a nanny for a blond rich bitch. That’s a show!

Pic: TLC

So Uncle Terry Had A Baby Shower….

You may have thought that Uncle Terry becoming an actual father to baby twins was just some kind of horrifying news your brain conjured up during a fever dream, but nope. It’s happening for real. Uncle Terry’s girlfriend/former assistant Alexandra “Skinny” Bolotow is carrying their twins in her womb and to celebrate becoming Child Protective Services’ most visited family in a few months, they threw a baby shower. And it was a very Uncle Terry baby shower. The only thing missing was Miley Cyrus giving Uncle Terry a lap dance while dressed up in that terrifying slutty baby costume.

Uncle Terry and Skinny gave out condoms with her ultrasound scan on them, peen lollipops and dick glasses. It looked more like John Travolta’s birthday party than a baby shower. I don’t even want to know what game they played instead of the candy bar diaper game. Okay, I just took a guess in my head and now I want to remove my brain from my skull and soak it in ammonia. Three pictures from Uncle Terry’s baby shower are after the jump. TIP: Pull out a gallon-sized jug of brain bleach before you get to the cake:

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Yes, Hollywood Still Hates Your Childhood: Little Miss Sunshine Is Starring In A TV Remake Of “Dirty Dancing”

One year after Dirty Dancing came out, Hollywood gave us Dirty Dancing the TV series and it flopped, because nobody wanted it.

In 2004, Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights was released and even though it had Diego Luna’s thrusting dick in it, it flopped, because nobody wanted it.

In 2006, WE shat up a Dirty Dancing reality show hosted by JLo’s second husband Cris Judd and yes, I watched it, but it still flopped, because nobody wanted it.

Hollywood is still trying it and isn’t done with butchering Dirty Dancing. Deadline says that ABC is putting together a three-hour remake of Dirty Dancing starring Abigail Breslin (from Little Miss Sunshine and Scream Queens) as Baby. The evil, diabolical whores in Hollywood need to be put in the corner for this shit:

The project, from Lionsgate TV, is expected to get a formal green light contingent on one more casting.

ABC’s production will not be live like Fox’s staging of Grease but in the vein of that network’s planned filmed remake of Rocky Horror Picture Show.

Patrick Swayze’s ghost should knock the cellphone out of Derek Hough’s hand right now, because you just know that ABC is going to call him to play Johnny Castle in this blasphemous remake.

Hollywood re-charges their evil powers by taking a messy diarrhea on all of our childhoods, so I get why they’re remaking Dirty Dancing. But Abigail Breslin as Baby makes zero sense. Jennifer Grey’s chopped-off nose skin would make a better Baby. Because of the way she does herself up now, Abigail Breslin looks more like she’s getting ready to play Courtney Love in a low-budget Lifetime biopic and I’d much rather see that than another Dirty Dancing movie.

And in case you haven’t seen this before or blocked it out, here’s the intro of the 1988 Dirty Dancing TV show starring Jan from The Office and David Cassidy’s half-brother.

Pic: Wenn.com

FOR WHY???????????!!!!!

File this under: This is why Lou and I cry today.

I fill the soggy mound of bitterness I call a brain with a whole lot of trash TV, but it’s impossible for me to inhale all of the crap television out there. So every Friday night, I would look forward to lounging with a bottle of the sweet nectar and a fully-loaded bong while taking in all of the hilarious and educational clips on The Soup. The Soup is my Harvard because they introduced me to former HSOTY Stains, Treetop Cat Rescue and legendary icon Spaghetti Cat! But now I’m going to be lost on Friday nights without my dose of TV foolery, because those evil bastards at E! are flushing The Soup (originally called Talk Soup) down the toilet after 22 years. The Soup will say goodbye forever on December 18th. Here’s the tragic and sad news via Deadline:

As E! counts down to the final episode on December 18 at 10pm ET/PT, Joel McHale will continue to host new episodes that bring viewers the best of the worst in pop culture and look back at some of the series’ most memorable moments from the past 22 years. New episodes will air Fridays at 10m ET/PT until McHale signs off for the last time and fans say good-bye to the most infamous green screen in TV history, along with the characters that appeared in front of it, including Mankini, Lou the Chihuahua, and of course, the floating talk show heads in the notorious “Chat Stew” graphic.

I would tell E! to go to hell, but I’m pretty sure their offices are already next to Pimp Mama Kris’ lair in the underworld. Speaking of, you know what’s going to happen next. “E! is proud to announce that coming next spring on Friday nights will be the new kooking show Whore Soup hosted by Pimp Mama Kris!“

Okay, This Whole “Gwen Stefani And Blake Shelton” Thing Has Gone Way Too Far Now

Yesterday, Gwen Stefani and Blake Shelton’s spokeswhores let the world know that his country dick is regularly doing the two-step on her ska-pop pussy. Blake and Gwen’s reps gave the announcement to everyone a quick minute before the CMA Awards started. Gwen didn’t go to the CMAs with Blake, which is weird, because I figured they’d 69 in front of Miranda Lambert on the red carpet.

When the rumors about Gwen and Blake started, I guessed it was all just some PR for this season of The Voice. But in the back of my brain was a terrifying, nightmare-inducing thought. I wondered if Gwen and Blake decided to make the most of their union by recording a skuntry (ska + country) duet that’d liquefy our eardrums. My nightmare (partly) came to life when an “industry source” told People that Blake and Gwen wrote a country ballad together. This is really turning into The Voice fan fiction written by a middle-aged mom who watches that show religiously. “Blake’s heart, and other parts, grew bigger with every twang that come out of Gwen’s mouth.”

“It’s amazing how good she sounds on a pretty country song,” says an industry insider. “And it sure is good to hear Blake singing real country again.”

Shortly after the new season of The Voice kicked off, the duo got together to write the mid-tempo ballad. According to the insider, the song has yet to be cut and is about telling a lover to leave the relationship if that is what they truly want.

Gwen and Blake’s reps could really teach a master class in subtlety at The Learning Annex. They released a statement about those two dating right before the CMAs and now this. I’m sure that as soon as I hit the publish button on this post, People will tell us that Gwen and Blake will debut the song on The Voice LIVE next week. This is not the song I wanted out of this situation. I wanted an anger-filled song from Miranda Lambert called “Blake Shelton is a Drunk Skank.” I know, that title is also too subtle, but it’s the only thing I could think of right now.

And here’s Miranda launching a thousand “What does it mean?” blog posts by wearing Gwen Stefani circa 1999 hair at the CMAs last night.

Pics: Splash, NBC