Batfleck Is Getting His Own Movie

Dazzler, She-Ra and Wonder Girl are just a few superheroes who have yet to get their own movies even though everyone (read: me and probably only me) is screaming for that shit to happen. But yet, Hollywood stays sucking on Batman’s rubber ass and is putting out a movie that nobody (except for their accountants) asked for. They are giving us another standalone Batman movie starring Ben Affleck who is fresh off his role as “estranged husband with the sads” in Photo-Op For People Magazine.

Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice is still months away from coming out, but Warner Bros has already made a deal with Ben to co-write (with Geoff Johns), direct and star in his own Batman movie tentatively titled Batman 456: WHY?!!!! Ben is directing Live By Night (co-starring former home wrecking legend Sienna Miller) next and will focus on the Batman movie after that. Ben’s going to be at the gigantic nerd cream puddle known as Comic-Con this weekend and he’s expected to announce it then. via Deadline

The Batman movie would shoot after he finishes Live By Night, and the plot would reflect the Batman character that emerges after Batman V Superman and Justice League, the latter of which comes out November 17, 2017. DC and Warner Bros have set a long list of superhero movies that take the Marvel formula of interspersing characters from one film to the next, so it’s unclear when Affleck’s Batfilm will be slotted.

It’s pretty smart for Ben Affleck to announce this mess during Comic-Con. If a reporter or anybody else asks him questions about his MARRIAGE CRISIS or alleged wandering dick or David Fincher shading him or his possibly new post-break-up tramp stamp, he can just tell everyone that the new Batman movie will also star Matt Damon as Robin, Blake NotSoLively as Catwoman and Jennifer Lopez as Poison Ivy. Everyone would forget about his alleged wandering dick and his MARRIAGE CRISIS, because we’d too busy screaming while burning down the Hollywood sign.

Here’s some pictures from the last few days of Ben Affleck wearing his wedding ring while walking around Atlanta. This break-up has really taken its toll on Ben Affleck’s chichis, because they’re looking extra frowny.

Pics: Splash

It’s Worse Than I Thought…

No.

No. No.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

After posting about the unholy and soul-killing pictures from the Jem and the Holograms movie, I wrote my local congressperson a letter saying that if it’s a felony to destroy a national monument, then destroying Jem should send a trick to death row! Now that I’ve seen the even more unholy trailer, I’m sending that letter, because this shit has viciously murdered childhoods. If I painted my asshole pink and stuck a star earring in it, it would be more like Jem than this damn movie.

They’ve sucked out all the glamour, glitter, fashion and fame. It’s like ordering a fizzy grapefruit martini with a pink rock candy garnish and getting a glass of tap water with a splash of piss in it instead. This trailer makes the Jem movie look like a less edgy Hannah Montana reboot on Lifetime. “But Michael, Hannah Montana is about as edgy as a daffodil.”EXACTLY! Why even call this mess Jem?!

They transformed Jem into a Disneyfied Kesha. This is what I get for laughing at the nerds. Every time a trailer for a shitty superhero movie comes out and the nerds cry while screaming “Sacrilege!” I point, laugh and say, “Ha! Ha! Stupid melodramatic nerds!” And now it’s happened to me. Karma is a shitty trailer for a butchered piece of my childhood. Screw this, I’m going to go and drown my sorrows in Jiz.

Graceful British Flower Vs. Graceful British Flower

No wonder the royal baby hasn’t checked out of Duchess Kate’s womb royale yet. The royal baby doesn’t want to come into a world where two of England’s most stunning and perfect swans are fighting.

It is a sad day in Britain, because the most gorgeous and elegant roses in its garden of beauty are spitting at each other. England’s finest rose Jodie Marsh is in the newest issue of Zoo Magazine (which is like Vogue but much more classier) and during the interview with the magazine she was asked about Katie Price downsizing those gigantic plastic titty balls. Jodie cut Katie to the white meat by saying that Harvey’s mother is nothing but a baby daddy-collecting slut hussy whore!

“Who? Oh year, her – the one who’s famous for having loads of different kids with different dads! I don’t care about Katie Price! Why do I care about how big her boobs are? I will get mine reduced at some point.”

Whatever happened to feminism?!

WHY, JODIE, WHY?!

Since Katie Price’s attention whore senses tingle whenever anybody mentions her name anywhere, she immediately found out about Jodie’s fightin’ words and slapped back hard on Twitter. I’m guessing that Katie Price was so mad that her hands went numb and she had to type her response with her clit, because she makes me look like I’ve got a PhD in grammar and spelling. Katie labeled Jodie as a £2 knock-off whose coochie is like a doggy bag because it’s had all of her leftovers in it. I thought it was traumatizing watching my mom and dad fight as a kid, but this is much more traumatizing.

This is like the Sophie’s Choice of fame whore feuds. I can’t pick a side. It’s impossible. When a slut slut-shames another slut after that slut has slut-shamed her, all of us sluts suffer. This is why every slut cries today. But I will say that part about Katie paying Jodie to give her ex a lap dance is kind of hot. Katie is Cristal Connors and Jodie is Nomi Malone. The only good that can come from this feud is a remake of Showgirls starring these two beautiful blossoms.

Why Did I Watch Randy & Evi Quaid’s Sex Tapes?

Yes, tapes as in plural, as in more than one clip, as in I watched them all. It’s official: I’ll watch almost anything with the words “sex tape” in its title. I even watched that shitty Sex Tape movie with Cameron Diaz and Jason Segel. That’s how desperate I am.

If you thought to yourself, “I want more,” after watching that bizarre and beyond WTF video of Randy Quaid dry humping his wife Evi as she wore a picture of Rupert Murdoch over her face, then congratulations, you’re sucio and also, your wish has come true in a major way. A tipster sent Gawker a link to a k-hole of fuckery where Canada’s own (they belong to you now, Canada) Randy and Evi Quaid get into some Fifty Shades of Why? shit before she star whacks him off and they take turns sucking on each other’s down low parts. When I watched Vegas Vacation almost 20 years ago, I didn’t think I’d ever see Cousin Eddie giving himself a double moustache by sucking on his wife’s furry cooch, but here we are.

On the page with all their videos on it, Randy tells everyone to enjoy the show and promises to send you his Star Whackers documentary if you snail mail him a dollar:

STAR WHACKERS This Impressionistic feature length documentary about the life and times of Randy Quaid is being released via vidme by Honor Code Tweet Twitter.com/@EviQuaid or Twitter.com/@RandyRRQuaid. Or you can email to: [email protected] that you have sent $1.00 CASH to the “Evi and Randy Quaid Not For Profit Passport Fund” at: E & R QUAID 3385 RIPTON ROAD LINCOLN, VT 05443 USA After Randy receives your promise by email or Twitter that you mailed $1.00 CASH. ENJOY THE SHOW.

If you really need to see Randy and Evi’s sex tape clips, click here. It might be a little hot if you pretend they’re George R.R. Martin and Courteney Cox. And yes, we’re all that dog barking non-stop in the background.

Henry Cavill And Parasite Hilton Left The Chateau Marmont Together….

Oh booze, sweet booze. The sweet nectar can be a delicious and wonderful thing, but sometimes it leads you down a dark, destructive path where you wake up with half of your face burned off because the booze screwed with your decision-making skills and you thought it would be a really good idea to eat out Parasite Hilton. I’m assuming Henry Cavill’s plastered as shit in these pictures, but he could also have the dizzies from breathing in the toxic fumes wafting off of Wonky McValtrex.

Last night, W Magazine threw a party at the Chateau Marmont where Henry partied with Chris Evans and Gillian Anderson. I already screamed out, “Fuck you, Gillian,” at Gillian on behalf of all of us for being the cheese in that Double Down man sandwich. As Lainey at Lainey Gossip points out, Henry ignored the “Stay Away From Wonky” fliers that the Department of Health hands out when you arrive at LAX and got into an SUV with Paris Hilton after the party. This could be nothing, but then again, Henry (or his publicists) can really pick ’em.

Nobody saw this one coming. We all thought Superman would meet his tragic demise by the hand of Lex Luthor or from a deadly case of thrush (which he got from wearing those damn sweaty tights all the time). Nobody would’ve ever guessed that Superman would turn green and melt into a puddle of smegma after wet humping on Parasite Hilton’s kryptokooch. I bet she’s working for Lex Luthor. Look at her hiding in the shadows (and that attention whore NEVER does that) with an evil smirk on her face. Bitch knows what she’s doing.

Pics: Getty, Splash

So, This Finally Happened

Speaking of a little bag full of grapes…… Actually, that fake bulge looks more like a small bushel of plastic baby bananas wrapped in cheese cloth.

So After months of rumors, the marketing department at Calvin Klein showed us that they’ve gone completely crazy by releasing pictures of the half-broken Vanilla Ice Pez dispenser in their new campaign for Calvin Klein underwear. Justin Bieber twatted out three pictures from the panties campaign that is marketed toward I don’t even know who. In these pictures, it looks like they took the head of a My Buddy doll and put it on the body of a hunchback He-Man action figure that’s covered in overused scratch ‘n sniff stickers. Since they were heavy with the Photoshop, couldn’t they have Photoshopped away his constipated smolder? No, they couldn’t do that. That’s his signature. It’s not a picture of Justin Bieber unless he looks like someone just walked in on him taking a shit in a public bathroom.

And since this baby douche is the new ass of Calvin Klein underwear, I’m assuming that all of their chonies now come with a potty flap on the butt to make poopy times easier. I’m sure that was the Biebs’ idea.

There’s two more pictures after the cut including one with Lara Stone that’s supposed to give us Marky Mark and Kate Moss vibes, but it looks more like a grown woman trying to give the Heimlich to a confused toddler.

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