This Story Has Everything: Waffle House, Drunken Parking Lot Sex, And Cheeseburger Shoes

November 8, 2013 / Posted by:

You could throw the script from The Last Picture Show, a 6-pack of Coca-Cola, and Springsteen’s Born in the U.S.A. in a blender, and you still wouldn’t have as much American symbolism as there is in this story from The Hairpin (via Loganville-Grayson Patch) :

“A couple was arrested Sunday (Nov. 3) in connection to having sex while drunk in the Waffle House parking lot in Loganville.

According to the Loganville Police report, an officer saw the woman and male engaging in the sexual act in the backseat of a Dodge truck at the 4752 Atlanta Highway establishment around 1:30 a.m. The car smelled strongly of alcohol.

The officer told the couple to get dressed and show him their licenses. While the man immediately put his pants on and complied, the woman simply sat in the passenger’s seat. The officer had to tell her numerous times to put her clothes on, the report says.

But when the female finally got dressed, she attempted to put a cheeseburger on her foot as if it were a sandal.”

She put a cheeseburger. On her foot. As if it were a sandal.

Never have I wanted to be friends with a stranger from the internet so badly. I’m going to spend the next 30 minutes searching hashtags like #CheeseburgerSandal and #PrideOfLoganville on Twitter because I want to invite her to my birthday party. Wearing a cheeseburger as a shoe is next-level bonkers and I, for one, want to see what other varieties of crazy she brings to the table. I could see myself telling other guests: “No, that birthday cake isn’t for eating; it’s for when Charla polishes off that case of beer and I convince her it’s gotten cold enough in here to wear a hat.”

Truth Time: This isn’t the first time I’ve heard of someone wearing a cheeseburger as a shoe. This story may only be funny to myself (send me your address and I’ll write you a personal letter of apology later) but one time a friend and I were walking past McDonald’s and she stepped on a cheeseburger that someone had dropped (unwrapped, otherwise I would have considered eating it. And yes, gross). Her foot made contact with the bun and she slid erratically across the sidewalk and into the crosswalk with a cheeseburger stuck to the bottom of her foot. Then a homeless man laughed at her for slipping and sliding on a McDonald’s cheeseburger which, in retrospect, I think he may have put it there as some kind of post-modern banana peel gag. Or he was expecting her to wear it as a shoe, I have no idea; we’re talking about cheeseburger shoes here.

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