Vin Diesel Sucks In For His Life To Shut Down The Body Shamers

Last week, Vin Diesel got hate from FUPA-shaming bitches when pictures of him looking like 1970s Telly Savalas on the cover of People made the rounds on the Internet. Some labeled Vin’s body as a stage 10 “dad bod,” but to me it looked more like “lazy skinny fat gay blogger at his damn fittest” bod. Vin wasn’t going to let the Internet get away with saying that he’s got original Billy Campbell body. While at New York Comic-Con over the weekend, Vin lifted up his shirt to shut everyone up. Vin posted the picture on Instagram and added this little note:

The pic from yesterday… For those who wanted the show… For all the angels that love dad bod regardless… I will post an exclusive video on my Facebook when I am done with press today.

This whole thing is giving me shades of “fitness model before and after trickery.”

Vin didn’t have to do that. I’d hit it with “dad bod” and I’d hit it without “dad bod” as long as he crooned out a RiRi song into my ear while doing so. But it looks like he’s sucking in so damn hard that his belly button is really an innie but it popped out from the tension of it all. Welcome to my world, Vin Diesel. I suck in so much that I have forgotten how to exhale. The worst is when I’m at the doctor and he tells me to take my shirt off so he can listen to my lungs.  I wonder if the doctor can hear me internally scream “FUUUUUUCK” into his stethoscope when I’m sucking in for my life and he says, “Okay, gimme a deep breathe now.”

Pics: FameFlynet, Instagram

QOTD: Vin Diesel Thinks That Next Year You Will Hear The Words, “And The Oscar Goes To…Furious 7!”

Mr. Clean’s sensitive second cousin Vin Diesel is pimping out Furious 7 hard and he’s taken his selling technique to new levels of “no fucks given” by spitting out some ridiculously delusional shit in hopes that one crazy person believes him. Or maybe he really believes what he’s saying and if that’s the case, hold onto your beautiful dreams, Vin!

Vin tells Variety that Furious 7 is so fast and so furious that it’s going to be the biggest hit of all-time and it will win the big prize at the Oscars next year.

“Universal is going to have the biggest movie in history with this movie. It will probably win best picture at the Oscars, unless the Oscars don’t want to be relevant ever. This will win best picture. There is nothing that will ever come close to the power of this thing.”

Are we sure that in Vin Diesel talk “Oscars” doesn’t mean “Spike Guys’ Choice Awards,” because that would make sense.

Well, we live in a time when Shakespeare In Fucking Love won Best Picture, so anything is possible and anything can win. But seriously, Vin should know that the Oscars are a joke and they don’t care about cinematic artistry! Because if they did, Vin Diesel would be a three-time Oscar winner for his groundbreaking and multi-layered performances in The Pacifier, Find Me Guilty and as that rotten asparagus thing in Guardian of the Galaxy. 

Vin Diesel Pays Tribute To Paul Walker With His Kid’s Name

The muscled-up sensitive chanteuse became a third-time daddy last week when his girlfriend Paloma Jimenez birthed out their daughter. They already have a 6-year-old daughter named Hania and a 4-year-old son named Vincent together. Vin didn’t immediately slip out his third kid’s name, but while promoting Fast and Furious I Lost Track Of What Number They’re On during an interview with Natalie Morales for Today, he told her his daughter’s name.

I was secretly hoping that Vin (born name: Mark Vincent Sinclair) would pay tribute to himself with his daughter’s name by naming her Vinilla Diesel. (Note: I’m pretty sure Vinilla Diesel is the name of a Sativa strain that my local weed shop sells.) Vin didn’t name his daughter Vinilla Diesel, because he named her after his late soul brother and friend Paul Walker. Vin said this to Natalie:

“I’m telling you this, because I love you, Natalie. You know I really do. I know you’re a good soul and I know that this is in good hands. But while I was in the hospital… The name that I will give you is… I named her Pauline. There’s no other person that I was thinking about as I was cutting the umbilical cord. I knew he was there and it felt like a way to keep his memory a part of my family, a part of my world.”

So Vin is holding his newborn baby in front of Paloma who was probably spread-eagle and huffing and puffing because she just gave birth to a human, and he thinks of Paul Walker? What is Paloma? The chopped liver who just carried his kid for 9 months and gave birth to her! No, I know what Vin meant and naming his daughter after Paul is sweet and touching. Paul is probably always with Vin, which is why Paloma didn’t think it was weird when he shouted, “This one’s for you, brotha,” as he shot the load of baby batter that knocked her up.

Pic: Getty

Vin Diesel Is Going To Be A Daddy For The Third Time

Groot gonna be a daddy! People says that humanoid sweatpants bulge Vin Diesel busted a NOS-boosted fast and furious nut up inside his girlfriend Paloma Jiménez and now she’s knocked up with their third child. Vin and Paloma (whose name is making me hungy for a delicious honey pomelo right now) already have a 6-year-old daughter named Hania and a 4-year-old son named Vincent. Today I learned: Vin Diesel’s kids aren’t named Riptide and Turbo, like I always assumed they would be.

I don’t often get jealous of babies, since they’re always peeing their pants and I’m only sometimes peeing my pants, but I’m very very jealous of Vin’s future baby. Why? Two reasons:

1. Vin’s body is roughly 108% muscle (his body has muscles normal humans don’t have yet), which means he’ll be strong enough to carry that baby to bed well into its adult years. I am jealous of this because getting carried to bed is fun as hell.

2. After it’s carried to bed, Vin will no doubt sing his baby to sleep with that peanut butter smooth voice of his. Imagine the caliber of dreams you’d have if your lullabies were sung by a buff angel like Vin Diesel? Exactly – nothing but top-shelf dreams. God, that baby is SO lucky.

Here’s more of that lucky baby’s father at Vanity Fair’s post-Oscar party on Sunday night. I know that your eyes already got a taste of him on Monday, but here’s more, because who couldn’t use a couple more pictures of that Growly Adonis:

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

Zoe Saldana Would Like To Thank The Media For Invading Her Privacy By Reporting About The Babies In Her Womb

Anybody with the sense of sight who has seen recent pictures of Zoe Saldana could see that her body is currently leasing out space to a growing fetus who will hopefully inherit its father’s stunningly, luscious mane. So most of us let out a collective “duuuuuurrrrr” when UsWeekly said that Zoe Saldana has a CASE OF THE BABIES!!! and we even “meh’d” when E! News said that two babies checked into her uterus. UsWeekly was basically just stating the obvious. But Zoe Saldana is disgusted and grossed out by the media violating her life by reporting a piece of information that her publicist probably gave them so she’d get attention days before her big summer movie comes out. How dare they! Zoe slapped at the media on Twitter yesterday and quoted former Polish President Lech Walesa while doing so.

"I believe that any violation of privacy is nothing good."~Lech Walesa. I would like to thank all the fucking media for invading our privacy

— Zoe Saldana (@zoesaldana) July 24, 2014

Since we’re on the subject of “thank yous,” lets all give thanks to Zoe Saldana.

My stomach would like to thank fucking Zoe Saldana for violating it and bringing it pain by making me laugh so goddamn hard when she starred in totally natural and not-at-all choreographed photo-op pictures with noted beard whisperer Bradley Cooper.

Nina Simone’s daughter would like to thank fucking Zoe Saldana for violating her wishes by doing blackface to play her mother.

The entire wig industry would like to thank fucking Zoe Saldana for violating them and making them look bad by wearing that busted, 2 cent Rosemary’s Baby wig.

And finally, I’d like to thank fucking Zoe Saldana for violating my eyeballs in a good way by introducing them to her hipster Fabio-like husband who could make my nipples pass out by flipping his gorgeous hair in the wind. Thank you, fucking Zoe Saldana!

Here’s some pictures from last night’s London premiere of Guardians of the Galaxy including some of Zoe Saldana’s fetus dome. But don’t look at it! Don’t look at the bump that’s obviously grow growing babies in it. Don’t look at it and shut your trash mouth, we’re not supposed to talk about it!

Pics: Wenn.com

Zoe Saldana Wore Some Kind Of Backwards White Thong To The Premiere Of “Guardians Of The Galaxy”

Last night was the Hollywood premiere of Guardians of the Galaxy, and for some reason Zoe Saldana showed up wearing one of Jane Fonda’s old high-waisted workout thongs over a sequinned skirt. I’m so confused. Doesn’t she know that if you’re going to wear a rib-grazing throwback thong, you need to give it the attention it deserves? Maybe you wear it over a pair of thick brown Hooters girl tights, but that’s it. Besides, a pair of high-waisted coochie-stranglers aren’t a fashion statement; they’re a symbol. A symbol that represents the Van Halen groupies and Daytona Beach strippers and the 90s beer commercial girls and all the other glamorous raunchy sluts across this great nation. Show some respect for your foreskanks, Zoe! Even Miley Cyrus knows that a front wedgie (NSFW-ish) is an honor and a privilege.

But I will say this – I do enjoy that if you cover the top half of her body and her legs, it looks like a t-bone steak that Liberace would order (“Extra glitter with a side of pizzazz, please”).

Here’s more of Zoe making the questionable decision to wear her underwear on the outside of her clothes but her bra underneath at the GotG premiere last night. Also there was former-pudding bodied hottie Chris Pratt with his muscle-hating wife Anna Faris, a very Tom Cruise-looking Bradley Cooper, and Vin Diesel, who must have huffed the exhaust fumes from his limo on the way there, because he was serving some wasted uncle at the family reunion realness.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com