The all-new The Muppets show debuted last night and around 9 million pairs of eyeballs watched it and that put it above Scream Queens (which was like watching Ryan Murphy reenact Heathers with Barbies) for the night. The new The Muppets show to me was like The Office but with Muppets. Sure it was a little more “adult,” but it’s not like the old show was squeaky clean. I mean, Janice was obviously always high out of her felt mind, Miss Piggy and Kermit were in an abusive relationship and Scooter was obviously a sociopath and serial killer since nobody is that nice for real. But well, the comedy group known as One Million Moms (aka Five Crazies With One Million Burner Email Accounts Between Them) believe that the new Muppets show is tainting the brains of the innocent children!
Before last night’s premiere, the group of conservative moms released a letter begging ABC to not smear the pristine innocence of children with their Muppet filth. They wanted ABC to pull the first episode. Their letter didn’t work obviously. But it did work at making me spit out a stream of LOLs. They are comedy geniuses and their line about Kermit not wearing pants proves that. The letter in all its hilarious entirety is after the cut.
Either Russell Crowe is telling the truth and he’s a useless shit for not recording those golden nuggets to later gift the world with or bitch did a lot of LSD.
The bearded Kiwi walrus did an interview with The Guardian to promote his directorial debut The Water Diviner and while talking to them about stuff, he told them that Michael Jackson used to prank call him for years. Russell Crowe punching the air while screaming “Crikey, he got me again!” after MJ crank called him is something I thought only existed in a fever dream.
“For two or three fucking years,” he says. “I never met him, never shook his hand, but he found out the name I stayed in hotels under, so it didn’t matter where I was, he’d ring up do this kind of thing, like you did when you were 10, you know. ‘Is Mr Wall there? Is Mrs Wall there? Are there any Walls there? Then what’s holding the roof up? Ha ha.’ You’re supposed to grow out of doing that, right?”
How did Michael Jackson find out what hotel Russell Crowe was staying at? (Possible answer: Detective La Toya can track down anyone!) If Russell was so annoyed by Michael Jackson’s prank calling, why didn’t he just check in with a different fake name? (Possible answer: Because Russell Crowe is in dim in the brains and was outsmarted by MJ over and over again!) How did Russell Crowe know it was Michael Jackson? (Possible answer: Because he’d always hear a bunch of giggling boys in the background.) Well, I guess when you’re Michael Jackson and the Jesus Juice is flowing during a slumber party at Neverland, you have fun by prank calling Russell Crowe. I can’t wait to hear other random stories about how MJ toilet papered Jean-Claude Van Damme’s house and poured Rice Krispies all over Anne Archer’s front lawn.
And this explains why Russell Crowe threw that hotel desk phone.
Here’s Russell with Olga Kurylenko at a photo call for The Water Diviner in Madrid the other day.
Mr. Clean’s sensitive second cousin Vin Diesel is pimping out Furious 7 hard and he’s taken his selling technique to new levels of “no fucks given” by spitting out some ridiculously delusional shit in hopes that one crazy person believes him. Or maybe he really believes what he’s saying and if that’s the case, hold onto your beautiful dreams, Vin!
Vin tells Variety that Furious 7 is so fast and so furious that it’s going to be the biggest hit of all-time and it will win the big prize at the Oscars next year.
“Universal is going to have the biggest movie in history with this movie. It will probably win best picture at the Oscars, unless the Oscars don’t want to be relevant ever. This will win best picture. There is nothing that will ever come close to the power of this thing.”
Are we sure that in Vin Diesel talk “Oscars” doesn’t mean “Spike Guys’ Choice Awards,” because that would make sense.
Well, we live in a time when Shakespeare In Fucking Love won Best Picture, so anything is possible and anything can win. But seriously, Vin should know that the Oscars are a joke and they don’t care about cinematic artistry! Because if they did, Vin Diesel would be a three-time Oscar winner for his groundbreaking and multi-layered performances in The Pacifier, Find Me Guilty and as that rotten asparagus thing in Guardian of the Galaxy.