Vin Diesel Shows Webcam Girls Everywhere How It’s Done

You know we live in a weird post-modern what-the-fuck world when the question “What’s your favorite video of Vin Diesel singing to himself?” could be a viable ice breaker on a date. It really says a lot about a person. For example, the only acceptable answer is Stay; anything else means you’re a potential serial killer.

Since Vin Diesel needed something to do to beat the boredom during his downtime between Fast and the Furious movies, he’s borrowed a page from active duty soldiers and started filming hilarious low-budget videos and uploading them to YouTube. Unfortunately, I have to give Vin’s performance of Katy Perry’s Dark Horse and Beyoncé’s Drunk in Love a C-. As of last week, the bar was set for sing-a-long videos by the Swedish Marines, and sadly Vin doesn’t meet the minimum standards required of greatness. I had to remove points for the shameless plug, those Old Navy-looking cammo shorts, and for the misuse of black and white. Come on Vin; everyone knows that shooting in black and white is reserved solely for fuck-ballads.

But I don’t want my critique of Vin’s performance to stifle his future creativity; I think he has potential and would love to see more of his uncomfortably sexual turtle mating dance in the future, even if his reasons for doing so are questionable at best. Someone needs to tell Vin that busting a move because Riddick hit #1 on the DVD charts is not something to be proud of. To the best of my knowledge, the only people who still buy DVDs are deadbeat dads who don’t have the credit history needed for a Time Warner basic cable package and need something to other than Cum On My Tattoo 2 to watch during supervised visits with Shasta and Payden. Save that next dance for something big, Vin (like getting the green light on a sequel to The Pacifier).

Vin Diesel Speaks At Paul Walker’s Crash Site

Oh boy. Normally I would be the first in line to make fun of Vin Diesel (there is so goddamned much to pick from, it’s like an all-you-can-eat buffet. If The Chronicles of Riddick is your starter salad, then The Pacifier is two trips to the waffle bar) but I cannot make fun of Vin Diesel this week. I can’t, because I know there will be a very special management position waiting for me at the Crocs factory in Hell if I do.

Paul Walker passed away on November 30th, and since then we’ve heard from his Fast and the Furious co-stars Michelle Rodriguez, Tyrese Gibson, and finally Vin Diesel let us know how he was holding up. Vin spent most of yesterday publicly mourning Paul Walker’s death, first via a Facebook message, then later appearing at the crash site to make a statement of thanks to the crowd. Vin’s voice is a little muffled in the video because he’s speaking through a police megaphone (why didn’t the cops bring him a karaoke machine to sing into instead? Missed opportunities) but The Huffington Post has transcribed what was said:

“If my brother were here right now and saw all the love that you’re bringing here,” he said. “‘If he could see for himself that all of you have showed up to show my brother love at this hard time, and that his family gets to see all of you show the love that you’ve shown Paul … It’s gonna stay with me forever. I just wanted to say thank you. Thank you for coming down here and showing that angel up in heaven how much you appreciated him.”

There’s still a lot we don’t know about the cause of Paul Walker’s death; some reports are saying that the Porsche he was riding in malfunctioned, that they were driving too fast, and that the car shouldn’t have been driven. Either way, an autopsy is currently underway to determine the cause of death (I have no formal coroner’s training, but I’m going to go out on a limb and assume the cause of death was “fire”).

So basically, to sum it all up, everyone involved with the Fast and the Furious franchise is having a shit week and we should send good thoughts and jpegs of sleeping kittens their way.

The “Fast & Furious 7” Will Go On

The Hollywood Reporter says that Universal executives and the director of Fast & Furious 7, James Wan, had a conference call this morning to decide what to do with that shit. They were in the middle of shooting scenes in Atlanta and were taking a break for the Thanksgiving holiday. Paul Walker and the rest of the cast were supposed to fly back to Atlanta today to continue filming and after that they were scheduled to shoot scenes in Abu Dhabi in January. James and the executives had a meeting this morning, because everybody was asking (nobody was asking), “But what about that car movie?!”

THR says that Universal and James made the decision to not shelve the movie completely, but they did agree that they should press pause on filming since the crew and the cast need time to mourn Paul Walker and don’t really give three queefs about that Fast & Furious shit right now. They aren’t sure when shooting will pick up again. Since Paul Walker’s character is in a lot of the scenes they haven’t shot yet, they’re deciding how to re-write and rework the scenes.

In other Paul Walker news, the driver of the red Porsche Carrera GT has been identified as Roger Rodas, Paul’s friend and the CEO of his automotive company Always Evolving. Paul and Roger became friends because they both loved cars. Witnesses tell People that as the car show/charity event was ending, Paul and Roger took the Porsche for a joyride behind the Always Evolving warehouse in a business park. (Here’s a picture of Paul with the Porsche hours before the crash) The Los Angeles County sheriff said in a statement that speed was a factor in the crash, but a witness type says that they didn’t drive off recklessly since children were around including Paul’s 15-year-old daughter Meadow. Fifteen minutes after Paul and Roger took off, everyone heard a loud crash and we all know what happened next.

And in my post about Paul’s death, I forgot to include Vin Diesel’s tweets:

Brother, I will miss you very much. Heaven has gained a new angel. Rest in peace xxx

— Vin Diesel (@REAL_VinDiesel) December 1, 2013

Although I'm totally heartbroken to of lost a brother….I feel honoured and blessed to of known such a wonderful guy pic.twitter.com/Hu0dnHiCRC

— Vin Diesel (@REAL_VinDiesel) December 1, 2013

Yes, I read those tweets while listening to Vin’s cover of “Stay.” It’s the only way to read them.

QOTD: Vin Diesel Is Way Too Buff To Play Ferris Bueller

Let’s all feel sad now, because according to Vin Diesel, there will never be a reboot of Ferris Bueller’s Day Off called Bueller: 2 Fast 2 Ferris starring him, because he has way too many muscles on his body to play a role like that. The veiny penis with biceps tells Men’s Fitness (via Vulture) that he only gets certain roles and it has nothing to do with him having the acting skills of an empty bottle of AXE body spray. It has to do with the fact that he’s a bag of skin stuffed with muscles.

“Being a physical presence will rule you out of a lot of roles. I couldn’t have done Ferris Bueller’s Day Off with that physical presence. But I like it as part of me; it’s part of what I represent, and I think if Humphrey Bogart were around today he’d be a lot bigger. Hollywood is more concerned about its male actors being in shape than its female actors.”

My day has been made by the image of Humphrey Bogart’s head on Vin Diesel’s body. Vin is not giving himself enough credit, though. The Pacifier was a comedic masterpiece and Matthew Broderick could never have done it with his non-physical presence.

But with that being said, I know Jonah Hill and Seth Rogen get more shit from Hollywood about their bodies than Rebel Wilson and Melissa McCarthy do (/sarcasm), but Vin Diesel is still wrong. Hollywood is concerned about everyone being in shape. It’s Hollywood. It’s the land of unrealistic everything. They want their dudes buff, their chicks skinny and they want their dogs to talk. How do you think my chihuahua feels when he watches a movie where the dog talks English and saves the world and shit? My dog can barely lick his own ass without falling over, so seeing a talking dog really screws with his self-esteem. But I just tell him, “It’s make believe!”

And here’s the dude we’ll never see as Ferris Bueller at the Hollywood premiere of another one of those driving movies, which also brought out Ludacris, Terror Reid and Michelle Rodriguez.

Let Vin Diesel Serenade You With His Nightingale Voice

As a special Valentimes Day gift to his fans, which he calls “V’s Angels,” Vin Diesel posted a video on his Facebook page of him beautifully singing along to RiRi’s “Stay” as her video played next to him. Vin Diesel stood in the dark and only let his hands tickle the air a little bit, because he wanted you to focus on taking in the slightly tattered and pitchy musical notes floating out of his singing hole. You can practically picture Vin’s waxed and bleached b-hole clench as he hits those high notes. The musical artistry of it all!

Get out of the tub RiRi, because Vin take it from here.

via Gawker

Will Fast Five Sweep The Oscars Next Year?

Fast Five has made over $100 million at the box, is already the #1 movie of 2011 and Vin Diesel is so proud of it that he believe some of his co-workers might be fingering Oscar next year. This is what Vin told The Los Angeles Times about Fast Five’s Oscar chances.

“I wouldn’t be surprised if there is some Oscar talk around this. I don’t know, maybe I’m just biting off what some guy from Channel 7 thought. But sooner or later, people are gonna say, ‘Wait a minute, just because they are for the working class doesn’t mean they’re not great.'”

Spoken like a dude who inhaled more than exhaled while surrounded by exhaust fumes on the set. YES! I like the way Vin Diesel thinks. And I put on my Vin Diesel brain for a quick second to predict 2011’s nominees:

Best Picture
Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son
Fast Five
Prom
Red Riding Hood
Season of the Witch

Best Actor
Nicolas Cage, Drive Angry
Nicolas Cage, Season of the Witch
Vin Diesel, Fast Five
Kevin James, Zookeeper
Paul Walker, Fast Five

Best Actress
Justin Bieber, Never Say Never
Jordana Brewster, Fast Five
Vanessa Hudgens, Beastly
Lindsay Lohan, TMZ’s Live Streams
Kristen Stewart, The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1

The Academy has been whispering that Kevin James is long overdue for an Oscar, but I still think Vin’s chances are looking good!

via Entertainment Weekly