Groot gonna be a daddy! People says that humanoid sweatpants bulge Vin Diesel busted a NOS-boosted fast and furious nut up inside his girlfriend Paloma Jiménez and now she’s knocked up with their third child. Vin and Paloma (whose name is making me hungy for a delicious honey pomelo right now) already have a 6-year-old daughter named Hania and a 4-year-old son named Vincent. Today I learned: Vin Diesel’s kids aren’t named Riptide and Turbo, like I always assumed they would be.
I don’t often get jealous of babies, since they’re always peeing their pants and I’m only sometimes peeing my pants, but I’m very very jealous of Vin’s future baby. Why? Two reasons:
1. Vin’s body is roughly 108% muscle (his body has muscles normal humans don’t have yet), which means he’ll be strong enough to carry that baby to bed well into its adult years. I am jealous of this because getting carried to bed is fun as hell.
2. After it’s carried to bed, Vin will no doubt sing his baby to sleep with that peanut butter smooth voice of his. Imagine the caliber of dreams you’d have if your lullabies were sung by a buff angel like Vin Diesel? Exactly – nothing but top-shelf dreams. God, that baby is SO lucky.
Here’s more of that lucky baby’s father at Vanity Fair’s post-Oscar party on Sunday night. I know that your eyes already got a taste of him on Monday, but here’s more, because who couldn’t use a couple more pictures of that Growly Adonis: