I Hope Shailene Woodley’s Insurance Includes Twihard Coverage

During her interview for the April issue of Teen Vogue (aka Shit You Still Can’t Afford, Just In Smaller Sizes) Shailene Woodley, star of the upcoming future-times-poor-people-in-overthrowing-the-goverment film Divergent, E! Online says she was asked how she felt about joining the growing number of actors who become famous from young adult novel movie franchises. We already know that Shailene considers Jennifer Lawrence to be the Dr. Maya Angelou to her Oprah (or the Oprah to her LiLo, or the LiLo to her…who am I kidding, LiLo is nobody’s mentor), but it sounds like she won’t be asking for career advice from Kristen Stewart anytime soon:

“Twilight, I’m sorry, is about a very unhealthy, toxic relationship,” Woodley says of the romance between Bella Swan and Edward Cullen, played by Stewart and her real-life ex Robert Pattinson. “She falls in love with this guy and the second he leaves her, her life is over and she’s going to kill herself! What message are we sending to young people? That is not going to help this world evolve.”

Oh boy, I don’t want to be that person, but someone needs to remind Shailene (I can baaarely with that name) that the movie she’s promoting is a Hunger Games rip-off about a make-believe dystopia where people are assigned Girl Scout badges based on their personality; it’s not exactly the second coming of Kids, so let’s pump the brakes on the whole ‘important message to young people’ thing.

Don’t get me wrong though: I did enjoy her calling out Twilight for being a soggy pile of damp tweener dumpster garbage. I take issue with how she got there, but she got there, and that’s all that should matter.

Here’s more of Shailene in Teen Vogue working some Natalie Imbruglia “Torn” video realness, and getting a thumbs-up from me for not wearing those damn toe-gropers:

Presenting The Would-Be Breakout Star Of Twatlight, Chuckesmee!

On the “Twalight Forever: The Complete Saga” DVD set, Nikki Reed and producer Wyck Godfrey talk about and introduce the Renesmee doll that was used during filming until it was replaced with a slightly less terrifying baby made of CGI, because the cast and crew were sick of its face eating their dreams every single night. A real baby was never used, because they wanted Renesmee to look “otherwordly” and I guess the prop department’s definition of “otherwordly” is what sprouts up when you plant the seed of Satan, Bette Davis eyes and a dozen tortured human souls in the red dirt on the Ninth Circle in HAIL. Chuckesmee looks like a meth-addicted, humanized Japanese Chin with FAS.

The crew nicknamed the doll “Chuckesmee” after Chucky from Child’s Play, but Chucky doesn’t have shit on Chuckesmee. If I had to choose between being locked in a room with Chucky and a bunch of knives or Chuckesmee, I’d go with Chucky. At least Chucky would make it quick. Chuckesmee would silently stare into the deepest part of my charred soul and feed off of my fear. It would get stronger with every chatter of my teeth. It would be like being stuck in a dark prison cell with Marie Osmond.

Chuckesmee is even more terrifying when it moves. IT MOVES.

It’s funny that they never say what happened to Chucksmee. Chuckesmee could be hiding at the bottom of your hamper during the day and every night it comes out to eat your exhales as you sleep. Or worse, Chuckesmee could be recording a pop single with Ark Music Factory’s Patrice Wilson right now. For the sake of all of us, I hope it’s the former.

And honestly, the producers made the right decision by dumping Chuckesmee. Nobody would ever believe that Kristen Stewart is Chuckesmee’s mom. Chuckesmee emotes way too many human emotions to be Kristen Stewart’s child.

via Yahoo!

RPattz On Twihards: “What Do They Do All Day?”

Robert Pattinson’s either sniffing to find out if the scent of Rupert Sanders’ saliva is finally off of his finger or he’s wondering what the Twihards are doing right this second.

RPattz did an interview with the German edition of Interview Magazine about Dior Homme’s fragrance, which he’s the face of, and since you can only talk about cologne for so long, they asked him about his nickname and Twihards. RPattz has said before that nothing takes the sparkles out of his skin like hearing the nickname RPattz. He told Interview that he wants to choke out the “fat celebrity blogger” who came up with it. via HuffPo:

The “Twilight” star spoke to the German edition of Interview magazine as the new face of Dior’s Homme and had some choice words for one particular blogger.

“I’d like to strangle the guy who came up with it!” Pattinson said, reports InTouch. According to the magazine, the actor would only refer to the aforementioned guy as “some fat celebrity blogger.”

I’m only fat from my nipples to my knees, so my neck is safe. But now that RPattz says that the name RPattz makes him want to commit murder, I’ll never stop calling him RPattz RPattz RPattz RPattz RPattz.

Interview also asked him about the group of crazies known as Twihards who have helped to make him a trillionaire and he said that doesn’t really understand them:

“The real odd thing about this ‘Twilight’ target group is that they aren’t really teenagers. Most of them are older. ‘Twilight’ has its own parallel world, its own fan culture that has been forming on the net since day one. And in an intense way that has never existed before. Sometimes I ask myself what these masses of people do the whole day. They sit in front of their computers and comment on anything having even remotely to do with ‘Twilight.’ So it’s actually really exciting – at least up to point when I became part of that phenomenon.”

HAHAHAHAHA. But really, what does he mean he doesn’t know what they do all day? Is RPattz really acting like he doesn’t know that their day goes something like this:

8am – Roll out of the Twilight sleeping bag they cocooned themselves in.
8:02am – Smear body glitter all over their mouth with a Twidildo so it looks like they just gave Edward Cullen a morning beej.
8:20am – Make a breakfast shake with the trash they stole from RPattz’s garbage cans.
9:00am – Give themselves a sink bath, carefully making sure that they don’t wipe the spot on their hand where RPattz’s bodyguard once swatted them away when they tried to touch his face. RPattz must’ve touched his bodyguards hand at least once, so it’s like one degree of touch separation.
9:10am – Pray at their ROBSTENISUNBROKEN altar.
1pm – Leave ALL CAPS, RAGE-FILLED COMMENTS on every anti-Robsten post on every blog and on Twitter.
5pm – Continue to write the Twatlight fanfiction they plan to submit to Vintage Books.
5:15pm – Do a live performance of one of the Twatlight movies using their cats (both alive and taxidermy).
8pm – Wallpaper their bedroom ceiling with new paparazzi pics of KStew and RPattz.
9pm – Cry on their kitchen floor while eating spoonfuls of Bisquick powder out of the box.
10pm – Have a snuggle date with their Edward Cullen body pillow.

Doesn’t he know that?! I swear, how could RPattz mess with Nutty Madam’s emotions like this?

Oh, I forgot to add: 4:30pm – fake cry on YouTube about how much you miss Twatlight.

And here’s RPattz kissing on Mia Wasikowska while filming Cronenberg’s Map to the Stars in L.A.

Pics: FameFlynet, Wenn.com

The Best Part of Twatlight’s Final Promo Tour

Here’s a completely fake wolf who has the personality of Ashley Greene, the natural presence of Kristen Stewart, the same scent as Robert Pattinson’s pits and a coat that is as luscious as the coat on Taylor Lautner’s ass cheeks (I’m guessing). Tonight in Berlin was the last premiere of Twatlight: Breaking Hymen – Part Two and it seemed fitting to end this living nightmare with a picture of a wolf that makes the same face I make when I accidentally come across one of those movies while flipping through basic cable.

It’s finally over! (Well, it’s over until they reboot this shit in 2 years and the world has to relive this all over again. It’ll be like having the worst hangover and a serious case of diarrhea on Groundhog’s Day.) KStew can celebrate by finding her a married German director to rub her box. RPattz can celebrate by openly laughing at the dumb Twihards for making him the richest unicorn herder on the planet, not that he’s already been doing that all along (exhibit: A). And Taylor Lautner can celebrate by finally posing for his own “Yup, I Like Dick!” cover of People.

And everyone in or around Bolivar, Missouri who was planning to see this mess this weekend should be thankful to the woman who called the cops and told them about her son’s plan to shoot up a theater showing Breaking Dawn. They should punish his crazy ass by forcing him to watch every Twilight movie on a loop until he convulses and turns into a Twihard.

I’m Sensing A Theme….

I lied. I thought the Hollywood premiere of Twatlight: Breaking Hymen – Number Two was going to be the last one, but I was wrong. Our international nightmare continues and it has spread to the UK. Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson and Taylor Lautner were all in London tonight to make the British Twihards scream until their cherries popped out of their mouths.

But you know, just like the American Twihards, the British ones have disappointed me. This is the last time they can bring the crazy hard and they’re not. They should be getting pregnant from the excitement before giving birth to a sticky toffee panty pudding baby right there on the red carpet. Instead, they’re just like “eh” in the face. They look like KStew while getting her box munched in a Mini Cooper. What does it say when even the hardcore crazies are tired of being crazy? Where was Nutty Madam when they needed her most? She could’ve inspired them to lose whatever is left of their minds right there on the ground. Whatever… At least Kristen Stewart came to party. KStew really wanted us to see her ass cakes at the Hollywood premiere and she kept that theme going at the London premiere. Butt party alert.

But bitch is going way too far with all the lace and sequins. Who in the hell does she think she is? Walter Mercado? Kristen Stewart needs to take off Walter Mercado’s favorite funeral jumpsuit and give it back to him, because it’s not working on her. Nor will it ever.

The Look: Elle Fanning’s Prada Sandals On Roids

Dakota Fanning, Kellan Lutz, Dr. Blossom, Ashley Greene, Stephenie Meyer, Shar Jackson (??????), Nikki Reed and Taylor Lautner were all flattened to the carpet at The Twatlight Saga: Breaking Hymen – Part 2 premiere in Los Angeles last night after 2-year-old Elle Fanning stomped on all of them. Little Elle Fanning barely learned how to walk by herself like four days ago and she’s already mastered the art of stomping in fucked up sandals made of plastic bricks, pink ribbon and chrome leather. Elle Fanning is practically a child, so I can’t give her any hate for wearing orthopedic sandals for geishas. Millionaire movie star children don’t know any better, because everyone around them will lie to them and tell them they look good. They usually don’t have a grandma around who will grab them by the hair and refuse to let them leave the house looking like a damn fool. If they had a grandma like that, they’d fire her ass for talking back.

These ugly ass shoes have a serious identity crisis. They don’t know if they want to be platform flip-flops, a Jenga tower, Getas on growth hormones or moon shoes for My Little Ponies. The only thing they do know is that they want to be as ugly as possible. When Prada put this nasty shit on the runway, they paired them with rubber socks! It’s kind of funny that Prada paired these sandals with socks that can double as lady condoms, because there’s no way you’re getting laid if you wear that nasty shit on your feet. Wearing these sandals is foot abuse in more ways than one.

Now that Elle Fanning has brought them to the mainstream, I’m sure snotty rich kids will start wearing them everywhere. That’s not a bad thing, actually. Cackling after seeing a brat fall in ridiculous shoes IS my favorite pastime.