Things That Make Me Want To Scream For An Adult: Alison Gold’s New Video

November 4, 2013 / Posted by:

If you still haven’t been able to go to Panda Express, because the nightmare that is Alison Gold’s “Chinese Food” is still too raw in your brain, then you might want to stay away from this too. It’ll instantly make you allergic to punch, puppets and windowless vans. Leave it to Patrice Wilson to make windowless vans even creepier.

Alison Gold and the evil doer who is responsible for Rebecca Black, Patrice Wilson of Ark Music Factory, are back with a dark-sided prequel to “Chinese Food” called “ABCDEFG” and it is A-P-E-D-O-P-H-I-L-E-W-R-E-C-K. Any music video that starts out with Patrice Wilson in Mister Rogers drag (Mister Rogers’ estate needs to sue his ass for SLANDER) peeping into a dollhouse window is the kind of video that is going to make your skin fall off of your body. It’s like watching a horror movie and I kept screaming at that Alison Gold girl.

At 0:15 – Girl, he’s behind you! We know you know your ABCs and shit, so stop singing and ruuuuuun!
At 1:00 – NO! Girl, DO NOT get in that van. Only serial killers (and worse, EMOs) write notes with cut-up magazine letters!
At 1:12 – WHY DID YOU GET IN THAT VAN?! And why does that van look like a bootleg, low-budget version of the Pussy Wagon from Kill Bill?

And it gets worse. Wilson’s Van takes Alison to the dance where Patrice roofies her punch with some love potion so the boy (or girl, I’m not sure) she likes falls in love with her. Patrice sucks at being a pedo wizard, because he put puppet potion in her punch instead of love potion. And then it ends with Patrice turning Alison’s little crush into Chinese food with a Chinese food potion and she eats her friend!

This is the absolute worst and most horrific after-school special ever and it doesn’t even have a happy ending. Somebody call the police, the FBI, Chris Hansen and everybody else.

(Thanks Oscar)

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