Here’s Tom Hardy Pretending To Be Ugly In The Trailer For “Capone”

April 16, 2020 / Posted by:

When I saw that there was a trailer out for Capone starring my #1 would Tom Hardy, for one golden, fleeting moment, I thought I was going to have a good old fashioned #blessedday. What a fool I was. Just a starry-eyed summer child (pre-2020, summer children are canceled now that winter is here) thinking my quickly dwindling spank bank account was about to get a stimulus package. Sadly, Tom has let me down, and more importantly, let my clitoris down because Tom ain’t stimulating shit looking like a deep-fried meatball served in a dirty ashtray with extra cheese. Why, Tom, why!?!

According to Variety, Capone (originally titled Fonzo, Tom’s first choice, I’m sure) was supposed to get a theatrical release, but things being what they are, it’s now being released on VOD on May 12th. We’ve already seen a sneak peek at Tom’s later-in-life Al Capone, but it didn’t prepare me for the lengths he was willing to go to, to subvert every drop of hot in his cup, which usually runneth the fuck over. But in Capone, the hot looks like it scalded his ass instead of liquefying mine.

Much of the trailer shows Hardy as a man with a decidedly unhealthy pallor at a lavish Florida estate. The film also stars Kyle MacLachlan, Linda Cardellini, Jack Lowden, Matt Dillon and Neal Brennan.

The official synopsis reads: “The 47-year old Al Capone, after 10 years in prison, starts suffering from dementia, and comes to be haunted by his violent past.”

Capone headed the Chicago mob during the 1920s and was prosecuted for tax evasion and imprisoned in 1932. The trailer contains sequences of a younger-looking Hardy firing a machine gun and proclaiming, “We made a promise that some day we could make it big!”

Not even the “younger-looking Hardy” can bring dew upon my meadow. Here’s the trailer.

Actual character actors with busted mugs need to start a petition to stop Tom from stealing their roles. This was clearly Paul Giamatti’s to lose. And what’s Paul doing, who the hell knows or cares! If he’s not willing to fight for his career, he’s dead to me. And it’s not like I’m not willing to let Tom spread his wings and try some things. I loved every second he was on screen as Venom. But we need to set some ground rules. Tom can do “character work” but no masks, no makeup, no fat suits. And for every “broad choice” he has to throw us a bone by doing something where he gets to reinvent menswear either by squeezing into a tailored suit (This Means War, Inception), wear a leather jacket made from the skin of his vanquished enemies (Mad Max: Fury Road), or light my loins aflame in a series of relaxed fit cardigans (Lawless). Luckily, Tom has not forsaken me altogether. I’m just going to have to make do with this clip he just posted of him and Riz Ahmed slow dancing during fight rehearsal on Venom.

‘Tis a mere crumb, but I’ll take it.

Pic: YouTube

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