Happy “Somebody PLEASE Pay Attention To Me” Day, Jennifer Love Hewitt!

Because Jennifer Love Hewitt is a shy, private and demure person, she celebrated her 33rd birthday yesterday at the long-running headquarters for fame eaters that is The Ivy. THE IVY: Where THIRSTAY hos can quench their thirst on $30 lemonade and camera flashes.

JLove, who is seriously the prototype for every desperate sadling on The Bachelor, screamed for the paparazzi to scratch her attention spot by flashing all kinds of signs that read shit like “Happy Birthday 2 Me,” “Watch The Client List In April,” and “Bye Pappos.” You know, I shade JLove often for taking desperate to whole new desperate levels, but these pictures are kind of refreshing. Because usually if JLove’s holding a sign, it reads: I NEED A MAN!!!!!!!!

It feels unnatural posting pictures of The Ivy without The Ivy’s forever Poison Ivy Queen in them, so I was moved to do this:

And now I can exhale.

Ke¢ha Must Be Back In The Studio

Wayne Coyne of the Flaming Lips is working with Ke$hit on her next album and the answer to your first question “How much of the bad shit is he snorting to get through that?” was Tweeted by him before you even asked it. But before you write an essay for your 8th grade English class about how Wayne and Ke$ha are your new idols for being SO COOL!!!, SO EDGIES!!! and SO ROCKNROLLZ!!!, I should tell you that she Tweet claims that those sloppy ass lines are just crushed up Tums.

Whatever that shit is, it should come with every purchase of Ke$ha’s next album. If it’s coke, you’re going to want to smoke it through that Sprite can to numb the pain after her musical herpes gets into your head. If it’s TUMS, you’re going to want to snort it through your ear holes to stop your eardrums from burning (note: earburn is a real thing). So thanks, Ke$hit!

via ONTD

How Aubrey O’Day Bravely Dealt With The Casey Anthony Verdict

Kim Kardashian’s dumb dumpster rat mouth said she was SHOCKED and Khloe Kardashian said she was DISGUSTED about the Casey Anthony verdict, but neither of those useless toilet tank tramps were as inappropriately eloquent with their responses as the used makeup puff in a weave known as Aubrey O’Day.

The Shameless Attention Whore Code of Non-Ethics states that when a bitch is found not guilty of allegedly murdering her 2-year-old daughter, you should respond by posting a picture of your NOT RIGHT ass in a bikini. And Aubrey O’Day did just that. You can always count on Aubrey to break the tension with her plastic titty sacks that still have Diddy’s greasy fingerprints all over them. Thank you, Aubrey!

But to be fair, this is how Aubrey handles all serious news. “Shaking your tits in a bikini” is the fame whore’s equivalent to “shaking my head.” When China’s synchronized army finally takes control of America and makes all of us their slaves, we can find relief in knowing that in a Studio City basement apartment, Aubrey O’Day is sucking in her labia while doing the “MAKING IT ABOUT ME” pose in front of her bathroom mirror.

And that melancholy howl you hear is LeAnn Rimes wailing at the top of the highest peak in Fantasia, because she didn’t come up with this mess herself.

via Jezebel

Assault With A PRECIOUS Weapon!!!

As I lovingly bubble-wrap my nicknacks in preparation for my new job with the Delaware County Sheriff’s Office, in Delaware, OH, let me (COINCIDENCE ONLY!) bring you the local news of a beauty queen and klassy bitch DONE WRONG!

WBNS-10TV reports that “BoobMeister” Stephanie Robinette, 30, of Westerville, lost that loving feeling while beating her husband’s ass at a wedding over the weekend held at Bridgewater Banquet & Conference Center.

Delaware County Sheriff Walter L. Davis III said deputies tried to talk with the woman but bitch refused.

“When deputies attempted to remove Robinette from the vehicle, she advised the deputies that she was a breast feeding mother and proceeded to remove her right breast from her dress and began spraying deputies and the vehicle with her breast milk,” Davis said.

The deputies were eventually able to restrain the loving mother and feeder of MILLIONS before carting her ass off to the pokey.

Robinette was quoted as saying she takes the charges seriously and has vowed to get help… Obviously, the policies and procedures of the Delaware Sheriff’s Dept. need a little updating on what is acceptable social behavior!! Please allow me to introduce myself!!!

James Franco Is Like, “Who?”

The coke-laced delusions of grandeur that constantly hard fuck the frontal lobes of Lindsay Lohan’s brain worked up a serious sweat last night at Beauty & Essex in NYC! LiLo held court at a table of her trained head nodders and went on about how she’s best friends with James Franco and will consider playing Glinda in the new Oz movie if her “best friend” is involved. HAHAHA. The shit that comes out of that crazy ho’s mouth. Some ignis fatuus shit to the tenth degree.

It’s sort of like if I held court at a table of no one at the Olive Garden and mouth farted about how I’m going to decorate the guest room in the charming Cape Cod beach house Anderson Cooper is going to buy for us after our wedding. I mean, I’m nuts, but I’ve never done that. (Note to the Olive Garden waiter side-eye-ing that sentence: You don’t know what you saw! You lie! Shut your eyes! Shut your fingers! Just shut it!)

Page Six says that LiLo talked about playing Victoria Gotti even though it’s not a done deal yet. LiLo then said she wants the female role in Oliver Stone’s Savages and will consider playing Glinda in Oz: The Great and Powerful. LiLo kept the laughs going when she went on to say, “I’ll only do the movie if I can work with [James Franco]. We’re like best friends. We’re hanging out later.” FYI: Blake NotSoLively is in talks for both of the roles LiLo has her good eye on.

A source tells Page Six that the producers of Oz have never and will never consider LiLo for Glinda.

I would feel sorry for LiLo, but my emotions are currently occupied with other things: namely, laughing. I can totally picture White Oprah cold calling up the casting directors of high-profile projects to politely thank them for considering LiLo for the lead role, but unfortunately she’s got too much on her plate at the moment: namely, coke.

More Like Jimmy Dean, Bitch

The father of Kourtney Kardashian’s baby, Scott Disick (the “s” is ALWAYS silent), is on the cover of Men’s Fitness and somebody’s fart (I won’t tell, Khloe) must’ve clouded her vision, because this is what she had to say about it on Twitter:

I love @scottdisick’s Men’s Fitness cover!! He looks like James Dean!
4 hours ago via HootSuiteadfadf

This is just too easy. So I’m just going to do to Kourtney what my friends do to me when I tell them I’m going to marry Anderson Cooper one day. I’m going to purse my lips, politely nod, pat Kourtney on the head and then throw a fudge stripe cookie into the corner of the room so I can freely laugh behind her back.