Let’s All Take In The Lush Beauty Of John Travolta’s Oscar Night Wig

You know it’s a special occasion when John Travolta pulls out his favorite wig. Since John Travolta is always hijacking the iPod in the Scientology’s bath house to play Rodgers & Hammerstein’s greatest hits, the producers of the Oscars asked him to introduce the tribute to movie musicals last night. Everybody’s talking about how John Travolta can’t pronounce Les Miserables (Note: Please, he mispronounced that shit on purpose to make himself look straighter), but everybody should be talking about the glorious beast on his head. Yes, every Papillon is throwing a shank eye at Travolta since he stole their signature hairstyle, but they have to admit that his center part is immaculate. I’m sure Moses himself parted Travolta’s wig. I’m not talking about Moses from the bible, I’m talking about Moses the resident wig master at the Scientology beauty salon.

Travolta didn’t only work a stunning lace front, but he also worked a hot velcro patch on his chin. When you tea bag Travolta, you can exfoliate your taint on his hot velcro patch at the same time.

Here’s a few more pictures of Travolta with Kelly Preston last night and since we’re on the subject of lush beards, let’s pay tribute to some of the best ones last night. In order: Travolta with Kelly Preston, George Clooney with Stacy Keibler, Hugh Jackmeoff with Deborra-Lee Furness, Justin Theroux with Jennifer Aniston, Jean Dujardin and Ben Affleck with Jennifer Garner.

Stacy Keibler Is Breaking Records

File this under: Some Unprecedented Shit!

Usually when awards season ends, George Clooney gently puts a pink slip in his leased piece’s hand, gives her the “What’s in your backpack speech?” speech from Up In The Air and then tells her to leave her keys with the office manager. But he didn’t do that to Stacy Keibler after last year’s awards season ended and she even stuck around all through 2012. George’s family and friends even learned Stacy’s first AND last name. They never do that. Stacy not only sashayed through 2012 without getting fired by George, but she’s also going to be his walking accessory during this awards season too.

As Sarah Larson (aka my favorite member of the Cloon Poon Club) let a drunk frat boy do orange Jell-O shots off of her stomach at a Golden Globes viewing party in the back room of Dave & Busters in the San Fernando Valley, Stacy posed next to George Clooney on the red carpet last night. Bitches had to pull out their eyeballs, dip them in Windex and put them back on, because they couldn’t believe what they were seeing. Even Julianna Marguiles seemed taken aback over the fact that George hired Stacy for another year (or maybe Julianna just had gas, that’s probably it).

Stacy achieved the impossible. She won the Hunger Games of trophy girlfriends two years in a row. Guinness Book of World Records needs to pick up a phone and call Stacy, because bitch is making history.

Beer Pong In Cabo

New Year’s Eve started early in Cabo San Lucas! Here’s a pic that Stacy Kiebler tweeted of Michael Phelps and herself playing a friendly little game of beer pong with the message “Dominating. #TeamBaltimore #geometry m_phelps00 #goodtimes.”

Gossip Cop says half of Hollywood is in Cabo right now, including George “I came for the Phelps” Clooney, Jennifer Aniston, Justin Theroux, Jimmy Kimmel, Emily Blunt and Molly McNearney. But none of them know how to party like a frat boy like these two. I guess the multi-talented Phelps can swim AND drink like a fish!! That is truly bringing home the gold. And you know Stacy’s ass can put away some booze, like she does every night while she writes “Mrs. Stacy Clooney” over and over in fancy script on tear stained paper.

My question is, how long did it take Phelps to figure out that Stacey had asked him to play “pong” and not “bong”?? I wonder how many times he tried to light his beer. “This shit is too wet, and where the hell is the carb??” -Phelps.

Happy New Year! I say we all do like Stacy and Michael and start getting our drunk on NOW.

Demi Moore Is Back On The Prowl After Getting Dumped

I would say to chain your 20-something sons to the water heater and lock them in the garage, but that’s a waste of time. They just can’t resist jumping on Demi Moore’s twerk train. They’ll whittle their teeth down into shanks by biting through the chains and then they’ll use their whittled down teeth to pick the lock on the garage door. When a single Demi comes to town, sticks out her ass, raises her leg and sprays her cub-luring scent, 20-something dudes just can’t stay away. So just let them go and pray that they don’t marry her ass, because who really wants to be Tater Head’s stepfather?

Page Six says that Demi Moore is no longer rubbing her cougar cooch against the crater face of 26-year-old art dealer/trust fund kid Vito Schnabel, because he wants to be taken seriously as a SERIOUS art person! Vito dumped Demi right after she showed up in Miami for Art Basel, because he doesn’t want the paparazzi following him around and he’s mad that she kept trying to distract him while he was trying to do SERIOUS ART BUSINESS work! You know, it’s kind of like when you got that part-time job at Blockbuster and your mom showed up during your lunch hour with a Subway sandwich and you’re like, “Moooom! I’m trying to do SERIOUS MOVIE BUSINESS work! You’re embarrassing me!” It’s kind of like that, but instead of bringing him a Subway sandwich, Demi kept trying to fuck him on the spot. Some source said this about Demi’s latest break-up:

“Vito has worked very hard to be taken seriously in the art business, and doesn’t want to be seen as somebody who dates celebrities. He hated having photographers follow him around after word got out about him and Demi. And Vito wasn’t too happy that Demi flew down to party at Art Basel while he was working to build his business. It was a distraction he didn’t need while all the big collectors were in town.”

Whatever, it’s Vito’s loss. Vito dumping Demi didn’t stop her twerk. On Friday night in Miami, Demi and Stacy Keibler showed up to Terry Richardson’s party. I’m so happy that Terry is 500 years too old for Demi and that she’s 500 years too old for him, because I don’t want to think about him spraying his peen paint on her eyeglass lenses at the end of the night.

Lenny Kravtiz’s Body Language Says It All

When you come across a horny cougar in the wild and she busts into her mating call dance, it’s best to sit really still and don’t make eye contact, which is exactly what Lenny Kravitz did at Chanel’s Art Basel party in Miami last night. I don’t know if Lenny is flipping the photographer off for capturing this hilariously awkward moment or he’s flipping himself off for putting himself in that position. Whatever the case may be, I see Demi Moore eyeing his middle finger the same way a cat-in-heat eyes the tip of a Q-tip. Jump it, ride it, break it, Demi.

Demi was at the Chanel party with her new 20-something piece and when she wasn’t sticking her tongue down his mouth hole, she was riding the beat bareback-style. Lenny Kravitz looks like a cross between a kid who’s embarrassed by his mom and a tortured prisoner who is too stunned to move. It looks like Demi is doing the Stanky Leg, the Funky Chicken and the one-ho Lambada all at once. Stacy Keibler should be taking notes, because if she served moves like that to George Clooney, he would’ve married her a million times over by now.

And no, the dude in the navy blazer doesn’t speak for us all. I don’t ever want Demi to stop. Because the beat stops if Demi isn’t whipping it with her hot, sweet moves.

Presenting The Real Star Of The Carousel Of Hope Ball

While ev.ree.bud.ee is using their bandwidth on ho collector George Clooney and Stacy Keibler, I’m sitting here wondering why all the attention is not going to the real and most important star of Saturday night’s Carousel of Hope Ball: JOAN VAN ARK!

Stacy Keibler might have a team of stylists paid for by George who put her body in the finest (and ugliest) designer gown and she might have a team of hair people paid for by George (Note: In case you haven’t noticed, “Paid for By George” is the current tagline for Stacy’s life) who use the finest products to style her hair into that of a 60-something socialite circa 1968, but she doesn’t look 1/100th as glamorous as Joan Van Ark does and Joan does it all herself!

Yes, Joan picked out that white wedding dress herself at a David’s Bridal clearance sale and then dyed it the color of the tears her haters cry out when they see her looking more beautiful than them. Yes, Joan torched her own brows so they look like two strips of delicious creme brulee. Yes, Joan sandpainted her own face. Joan did it all herself. It’s times that like this when I’m sad to live in a world where Stacy Keibler’s basic ass is getting more attention than the goddess that is Joan Van Ark. This world ain’t right.

Oh, and because some of you ain’t right, I also threw in pictures of Stacy with George Clooney (aka the man slut carousel of hos) at the Carousel of Hope Ball in Beverly Hills.