George Clooney Hasn’t Fired Stacy Keibler Yet

Thank you to the paparazzo who showed us that Stacy Keibler and George Clooney look kind of cute when he casually whispers in her ear, “What’s your name again, toots? One of those tricks with a mic might ask me.”

The U.S. unemployment rate did not rise by 0.000001% today, because Stacy Keibler still has a job. At last night’s premiere of Argo in Beverly Hills, Stacy and George answered to those pink slip rumors the only way they know how: with a completely natural love party on the red carpet. You can tell that George still has love for Stacy, because he’s barely even looking at her! This makes me feel things, because it’s like looking at most of my past dates. “I just bought you a slice of pizza and you want me to make eye contact with you too? DAMN. What’s next? You’re going to whine about how I don’t completely stop the car when I push you out the door while dropping you off. Ungrateful!“

George is probably keeping Stacy around for another awards season, because he realized that he’s too old for this shit. And by “this shit,” I mean training another award show escort on how to Magic Erase the word “marriage” from her vocabulary and how to always stand to his right, because his left side is his magic side. I, for one, am glad George is not trading this trick in for a newer trick, because learning a new name is exhausting for all of us.

And speaking of having the chemistry of an urethra wart and tap water, Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck were also there last night!

George Clooney Is Totally Over Stacy Keibler

Above is George Clooney making the same “Take your final bow, ho, because the curtain’s coming down” pose he will make when he officially dumps Stacy Keibler any day now. Last month, George Clooney’s rep let out a bunch of no no nos on the rumor that a bunch of workers barged into Stacy’s bedroom at his Italian villa, picked her up, threw her into one of those portable moving PODS and shipped her ass back to Los Angeles. But George’s rep could’ve just been pulling our dicks (which would be SHOCKING since publicists never do that), because the NYDN says that Stacy is just days away from waking up to find a pink slip on the pillow next to her.

A source type says that Stacy still shows up to events, but she keeps her lips shut about all things Clooney and she constantly checks her phone to see if he’s texted or called her. Stacy’s got the nervous shakes most bitches get when they know they’re about to get dumped. The source put it like this:

“They’re barely talking. She is worried that he may break up with her any day now. George is being really distant and pulling away from her. She wakes up every morning and doesn’t know what’s going to happen.”

Now I know how a carton of milk feels when I open up the refrigerator door and peek at its expiration date.

Stacy should’ve seen this coming. Just a few weeks ago she was trying on engagement rings. ENGAGEMENT RINGS! Nothing breaks George Clooney’s boner like the m word, engagement rings and going straight to voicemail when he calls his soulmate Brad Pitt. When you’re humping on George Clooney full-time and you do anything wedding related, you should know that on the next Friday morning (they always fire you on a Friday morning), you’ll be called into his office manager’s cubicle and told that it’s just not working out. You’ll have to hand over the copy of the key he gave you to his dildo closet and you’ll be given a fair severance package before the office manager hands you a Kleenex, because your chocha will cry thinking about how the next dick it touches might belong to Steve-O.

George Clooney Did Not Terminate His Contract With Stacy Keibler

Workers at George Clooney’s Italian villa had all their tools ready and were totally prepared to engrave Stacy Keibler’s name over the “Hos of the Past” plaque over his bed after reading in The Sun that he handed her an empty cardboard box and told her that the bus waiting to take her to his halfway house for former tricks is right outside the front gate. The Sun said last night George’s Italian villa has been exterminated of all things Keibler, because he dumped her ass after deciding that he wants to go back out on the prowl.

A source said that even though George spend hours training Stacy in the ancient beard art of strap-on wielding, he wanted to be single again and she “hoped they would be together long-term. It was a big breakthrough to spend time with his parents. But over the last few weeks George has pulled away from her.” The Sun said that Clooney’s spokeswhore would release a statement and a new casting notice for his next red carpet escort would go out any second now. Clooney’s rep did have something to say, but it was a full-on denial: “A story published by a London tabloid, The Sun, concerning George Clooney and Stacy Keibler [is] not true.”

George dated Krista Allen for 2 years, my favorite robot call girl Sarah Larson for around 1 year, Elisabetta Canalis for 2 years and now he’s been with the tallest Keebler elf for over a year. If history repeats itself, then Stacy’s expiration date is sometime early next year, but George needs to speed it up. Bitch ain’t getting any younger and does he know how many Las Vegas cocktail waitresses, Italian coke whores and reality sluts are out there waiting for him to drop a contact in their laps so they can put on a manufactured smile at premieres, wear borrowed designer dresses to award shows, make awkward small talk with Angie Jolie, scissor with Cindy Crawford and get an all-expenses paid trip to Italy? That’s like the ultimate Showcase Showdown package for beards. There are sluts waiting in line, George. Call the next number!

Stacy Keibler Wants You To Know That She’s Not Knocked Up

A paparazzo happened to hit the click button on his camera just as Stacy Keibler exhaled and the picture had some hos thinking that the spawn of George Clooney has checked into her uterus. Medical studies show that it’s almost impossible to get pregnant while having strap-on sex (trust me, Sarah Larson TRIED to find a way), so this rumor put the laughs in everyone. But Stacy still sort of responded to that shit by posting this picture on her Instagram account (via UsWeekly) and showing everyone that the only thing she’s pregnant with a six-pack of muscle biscuits.

Didn’t George Clooney snip his baby making part, because he was sick of walking into the bathroom and catching his leased piece of the moment standing on her head while one of his used condoms emptied into her coochie hole? I’m pretty sure George got fixed and the only way he’d try to reverse that is if his true soulmate Brad Pitt magically grew a womb and ovaries. The chances of George getting anyone knocked up are about as slim as me knocking up my hand. Although, the crap on my hand I thought was an STD wart could actually be a baby bump…

Here’s not pregnant Stacy and George eating dinner at a restaurant near his villa in Lake Como, Italy last night.

That Touching Moment When Angie Inhales The Life Out Of Brad In Front Of Everybody

As Brad Pitt silently cried for help with his eyes, Angie Jo fed the whore pit vipers crawling under her skin (yeah, those aren’t veins) by sucking the pieces of his good shit-soaked soul that are clinging to his insides for dear life. You know, I’m all for shamelessley Angie succubus-ing Brad in front of everyone, but while she was that close to him she should’ve used her fangs to chew most of his mop off. Not only would eating Brad’s strands of grease give Angie some much needed nutrients, but then he wouldn’t look like he’s a Taco Party Pack and a Miley grope away from being Bradley Ray Cyrus. One would think that a dude would do whatever he can to keep Tish Cyrus from wanting to wet ride him until her cock eye busts into place.

And it warms my soul knowing that Angie’s stylist kept their lips shut when they stood back, looked at this and thought to themselves: “This bitch literally looks like a bag of bones.” Seriously, somewhere there’s a trash can missing its bag and a pair of chopsticks who are feeling all sorts of inadequate while looking at Angie’s arms. I bet that dress smells like cold death, dried tar and black licorice.

Here’s more of St. Morticia, Brad, his true soulmate George Clooney and Stacy Keibler at the SAGs last night.

“Keep Up, You Feeble Cripple. The Smell Of Virgin Blood Is Coming From Over Here.”

As soon everybody on the red carpet at last night’s GGs got over the shock of seeing Angie Jolie not wearing a laundry bag of a dress in the color of black grave dirt, their blood veins started shaking out of a fear since she had the look of hunger sparkling in her eyes as she dragged Pepaw Brad behind her. Never mind that Angie’s dress made her look like a rolled napkin at a Valentine’s Day party, I couldn’t get past her terrifying vampire face. I know that Angie always looks like she’s just been floating above the cobblestones in Transylvania in search of a village virgin to feast on, but last night I wore a garlic choker and a clip-on crucifix nipple ring, because she looked like she was trying to drain my blood with her eyes. Even Vincent Price was like, “Too far, Angie. Too far.”

And this skinny ho really needs to do a dollop of Daisy on all the veins she’s about to eat from. But before Angie ate all of the children from Modern Family in the parking garage of the Beverly Hilton, I hope she gave Brad a hug. He needed one after his brofriend, George Clooney, went from singing “I only have eyes for Brad” to singing “I only have eyes for Michael Fassbender’s peen” while accepting his Best Actor trophy:

“I would like to thank Michael Fassbender for taking over the frontal nude responsibly that I had. Really Michael, honestly, you can play golf like this with your hands behind your back. Go for it man, do it!”

And just like that, Brad’s heart crumbled the same way the ground behind George’s Italian villa crumbled after he told his contractor to build a private golf course for Michael Assbender and him. Michael Fassbender’s peen is the new Brad Pitt.