Beer Pong In Cabo

New Year’s Eve started early in Cabo San Lucas! Here’s a pic that Stacy Kiebler tweeted of Michael Phelps and herself playing a friendly little game of beer pong with the message “Dominating. #TeamBaltimore #geometry m_phelps00 #goodtimes.”

Gossip Cop says half of Hollywood is in Cabo right now, including George “I came for the Phelps” Clooney, Jennifer Aniston, Justin Theroux, Jimmy Kimmel, Emily Blunt and Molly McNearney. But none of them know how to party like a frat boy like these two. I guess the multi-talented Phelps can swim AND drink like a fish!! That is truly bringing home the gold. And you know Stacy’s ass can put away some booze, like she does every night while she writes “Mrs. Stacy Clooney” over and over in fancy script on tear stained paper.

My question is, how long did it take Phelps to figure out that Stacey had asked him to play “pong” and not “bong”?? I wonder how many times he tried to light his beer. “This shit is too wet, and where the hell is the carb??” -Phelps.

Happy New Year! I say we all do like Stacy and Michael and start getting our drunk on NOW.

Randy Travis Knows How To Party….By Himself…In Front Of A Baptist Church

Randy Travis was shuffled off to the drunk tank in Sanger, Texas at around 1 this morning after the cops ruined his buzz by catching him guzzling from a wine bottle while sitting in his car which was parked in front of a baptist church. If you put a banjo and a sprinkle of twang on that last sentence, it really would sound like a country song. As soon as Randy Travis smears some lip chap on those crackle lips (Seriously, couldn’t the cops have given Randy a dollop of Vaseline for his mug shot moment?), he should write that song.

NBCDFW says that someone called the police to complain about a suspicious-looking vehicle parked in front of the church. The cops answered the call and found Randy sitting in his car. When Randy rolled the window down, the cops practically got tanked from inhaling his 100 proof wine breath. Randy had an open bottle of wine on his lap, so the cops killed his car party for one and dragged him to jail. Randy was booked on public intoxication and dried out in the tank for a few hours before he was released.

Who hasn’t been arrested for getting drunk on the blood of christ in front of a church? But the thing is, Randy Travis lives in some town called Tiogra, which isn’t far from where the cops got his ass. So why wasn’t Randy getting plastered under his carport like all the Texans I know? Let’s hope that Randy learned a valuable lesson from this. The lesson being that when a trick you met from Grindr (or Craigslist, or from calling a number you found scribbled in front of a urinal in a truck stop bathroom) tells you to meet them in front of the baptist church with a bottle of Chateau Diane, tell them to come to your carport instead!

No, seriously, I had this friend in L.A. who never let the tricks he met online come into his house. He’d meet them in front and then take them into the garage. They’d do their thing on an old futon and then he’d kick them out. His reasoning was that he was too lazy to go to their house and he didn’t want them to come inside his just in case they were thieves. He’d tell them that his dog didn’t like strangers. So there’s your Ho Shit tip of the day! Hopefully, it goes from my blog to Randy’s eyes.

Canada’s Women’s Hockey Team Knows How To Party

After Canada’s women’s hockey team won the gold over the US team last night, they bumped boobs, grabbed the beer and headed back to the ice to celebrate their victory. But not everyone was happy to see them puffing on cigars and guzzling on the sweet nectar on the ice. The buzz killers known as the International Olympic Committee said they will waste time and money on investigating the shenanigans of Canada’s women’s hockey team. They are dead serious:

The International Olympic Committee will investigate the behavior of the Canadian women’s hockey players who celebrated their gold medal at the Vancouver Games by drinking alcohol on the ice.

Somebody stick a cigar in the IOC’s mouth and give them a beer enema, because it’s really not that serious. What are they going to do? Ground them and take away their gold medals for two weeks? Dumb bitches! They should be investigating more important things, like what the hell is going on with Wayne Gretzky’s face.

Besides, does the IOC really want to rumble with the copper iron flower that is Melody Davidson:

Melody could eat the rage out of Courtney Love’s vagina of destruction, so the IOC is no match for her. Melody will chew them up. They won’t be able to walk for a week.

Patrick Swayze Is Out Of The Hospital

Yes, this is someone’s awesome Patrick Swayze tattoo. I didn’t know rainbows could make that shape. But I guess they can whenever Centaur Chippendale’s Swayze is around. He’s pure magic. I would get that gorgeous tattoo on my ass if the warts didn’t get in the way (Free Clinic time!).

This sounds like good news! Patrick Swayze has been freed from the hospital. His rep told People that Patrick put pneumonia in the corner for now. Yeah, everyone keeps finding ways to blend that phrase into Patrick Swayze stories. There’s my lame ass contribution. Check and moving on.

Patrick was hospitalized on January 9th with pneumonia. Everyone was biting their finger tips off because Patrick has pancreatic cancer so it didn’t look good. Patrick’s rep said, “I am happy to announce that Patrick Swayze is home after a brief hospitalization for pneumonia.”

The rep didn’t say he got over the pneumonia completely, but I’m sending rainbow-covered good thoughts his way. I’m sure Patrick will outlive us all!!!

Maureen McCormick Was Your Typical Fucked Up Child Star

When you used to be a child star and you no longer can get any roles and you’ve maxed out your reality show quota, the next thing for you to do is write a tell-all on how fucked up your life was when you were a kid. That’s what Marcia Brady has done! Maureen McCormick is whoring out her new book “Surviving Marcia Brady and Finding My True Voice” and in it, she covers all the bases. Who knew being a Brady was so much fun?

Here’s some of the things Maureen fesses up to:

She had a coke and ludes addiction
She fucked for drugs
She dated Steve Martin and Jacko
She almost lost her cherry to Barry Williams
She had full on drug binges at the Playboy Mansion
She had two abortions
She battled bulimia

And more!

Maureen said she believes she was so messed up, because of Syphilis. Yes, Syphilis. She went on “Today” this morning and said the disease caused her grandmother to die inside of a mental hospital. A week later her grandfather killed himself. After that, her mother got Syphilis.

Okay, maybe being a Brady isn’t so fun after all….. She blames Syphilis, but I blame the fact that she touched tongues with Jacko. That will eff a bitch up.