You’ve Heard This Before: Stacy Keibler’s Contract Expired

The Sun said a few months ago that Stacy Keibler’s record-breaking run as George Clooney’s award show escort had come to an end and her days of wearing borrowed designer gowns and millions of dollars worth of jooree were over. But then a day after The Sun’s story came out, Stacy and George killed the rumors with a good old-fashioned STUNT QUEEN photo-op in Germany. Thousands of cocktail waitresses and E-list models got the sads, because their dream of smoking a joint with Brad Pitt backstage at the Oscars was crushed. But those cocktail waitresses and E-list models better start sending their pictures and resumes (Pro tip: If you want to get to the top of the pile, add “black belt in strap-on wielding” to the special skills section of your resume) to George Clooney’s Award Show Escort Agency, because The Sunday People (via The Daily Mail) says that he and Stacy are over for real this time.

The Sunday People’s source says that Stacy and George didn’t spend the Fourth of July together, which TOTALLY means that he has cut her from his payroll. George and Stacy haven’t been photographed together in almost three months and the source says that he’s backing away from her ass:

“It’s not like George and Stacy couldn’t find time to get together if they really wanted to. George is quietly backing away from the relationship. It’s always the same. As soon as he feels a woman is getting too close he pulls back.”

I’m sure George and Stacy will kill this rumor by skipping hand-in-hand down the ho stroll in front of all the paps they called. But if George did pink slip Stacy, then I say good riddance to his ass. Stacy doesn’t need George anymore now that she’s landed the job of her career as the host of Supermarket Superstar (which sadly isn’t a reboot of Supermarket Sweep)!

When Supermarket Superstar sweeps the Emmy nominations, Stacy can hire George to be her red carpet escort for once. And if George really did shred Stacy’s contract and needs another trophy escort, he should hire that peroxide beauty in the background of that picture. But honestly, he probably can’t afford her.

George Clooney (Allegedly) Held Hands With One Of His Ex-Pieces The Other Night

On July 11, 2013, Stacy Keibler will celebrate her second year as George Clooney’s red carpet escort and she’ll get a commemorative diamond-encrusted strap-on and the Oscars will give her a special award for making it through more award seasons than any girlfriend before her. But sadly for Stacy, she might never ever achieve the impossible by making it to her 2nd anniversary with George. There’s been rumors for the past few months that Stacy will soon cross out the words “George Clooney’s girlfriend” on all her business cards and here’s another rumor that backs that up.

InTouch Weekly says that George Clooney is currently shooting The Monuments Men in London and four nights ago he partied at the members-only club Loulou’s with a piece who wasn’t Stacy Keibler. InTouch’s source says that George was dancing, laughing and getting close to his ex, Croatian model Monika Jakisic. George and Monika dated for a second in 2007 before he dated my personal favorite, Sarah Larson. The source says that George and Monika held hands and didn’t care who saw them.

“They seemed to be having a great old time together. He didn’t seem to care who saw them. He was being openly affectionate. Lots of people were going up and saying hi to George — he didn’t leave Monika’s side. The place was packed but he didn’t seem to care who saw them inside the club. They were laughing and looked very comfortable together and were there ‘til very late.

He left first and she left after him. He didn’t want to be photographed with her. Maybe she was a shoulder for him to cry on — not that he looked like he was crying. He looked very happy — they were smitten with each other.”

The source also said that George and Monika were dancing to hip hop together. HIP HOP!

Is the source sure George was bouncing his head to a Chief Keef song? Maybe he wasn’t dancing.  Maybe he was having a seizure triggered by the realization that he’s recycling girlfriends now. I was under the impression that every time George dumped a piece, he erased her memory from his brain and never thought about her again. I didn’t think it was possible for him to re-date an ex-piece. The world just keeps proving that it’s getting stranger and stranger.

For Stacy’s sake, I hope this isn’t true. Getting dumped by George Clooney isn’t that big of a deal since it has happened to BILLIONS of women and will happen to a billion more women. But getting dumped for some random ex-piece from 2007? Devastating! Embarrassing! Life-ruining!

And here’s a stached George and Monika leaving Loulou’s separately this past weekend.

Goopy Is A “Bad Mutha” When She Raps While Cooking

“Ew, can you believe they don’t have Manuka honey and duck eggs at the Bristol Farms around the corner? I didn’t realize we were in the ghetto, girl,” is probably what Goopy Paltrow said to Tracy Anderson at the opening of Tracy’s flagship workout studio and Goopy’s blow job bar in Brentwood, CA last night.

Goopy, Kim Kartrashian, Stacy Keibler and Natalie Green from Facts of Life all came out for the opening of Tracy’s workout studio yesterday, but only because the muscular orange leprechaun threatened to release embarrassing videos of them doing her stupid ass cardio dance if they didn’t show up. Speaking of embarrassing things, Goopy tells the Evening Standard Magazine (via E!) that Chris Martin can’t cook with music on (HA! Like that bitch lets him cook), but she has to cook with music on and the music she plays is always hip-hop.

“He can’t have background music on. It has to be 100 percent of his attention. But if he isn’t at home, I turn on the hip-hop—I’m like a bad mutha rapping along to every word as I cook.”

And that confirms it, those Goop kids are fucked, screwed, ruined and all of the above. Nothing puts scars on your soul and guarantees you a lifetime of intensive therapy like watching your rich, white, rhythmically-challenged mom rap along to a Biggie song as she throws $100 truffles into a gold saucepan full of beluga whale milk. When Apple and Moses become anti-hip hop and anti-cooking activists in a few years, we won’t say shit, because we’ll know what they’ve been through. We’ll know.

The Sun Lied To Us All!

And The Sun never lies to us! How will we ever trust them again? Forget everything I said about how Stacy Keibler has retired from being George Clooney’s award season escort and is on the lookout for another piece to turn into a silent arm accessory who will burn the word “marriage” from her vocabulary. George and Stacy proved that they’re still together by holding hands while going to dinner with Matt Damon in Berlin last night.

George knows that nothing goes with his stache like a glowing beard. And Stacy has the same kind of glow every ho has when she finds out that her option was finally picked up again. Stacy will get to ride that stache again.

And Stacy went to the trouble of calling the paps to kill the break-up rumors with a hand-holding photo-op, and George couldn’t put on a manufactured smile?! He’s looking like Grumpy Cat and shit. So ungrateful.

George Clooney And Stacy Keibler Are Totally Done This Time, So Says The Sun

Everybody has been saying for a while now that the expiration date on Stacy Keibler’s ass is coming up and George Clooney is getting ready to trade her in for a new model. The Sun says Stacy’s expiration date has already come and gone, and after 20 months (which is 500 years in Clooney time) of being George Clooney’s award show accessory, she’s out!

Some source says that they ended things, because George doesn’t want a wedding ring on his finger and he already has one incoherent mess slobbering all over his shoulder (see: a stoned Brad Pitt), so he doesn’t want another one. Stacy eventually wants those things, so they ended their contract. As part of Stacy’s severance package, he gave her an apartment and some jewelry.

You know, some people say that if you want to get married and have kids you shouldn’t screw around with George Clooney. But I say that if you want to get married and you want kids AND you want a brand new condo, you should screw around with George Clooney. Being George Clooney’s escort of the moment is easy. You wear designer gowns, you drink a bunch of free booze at fancy parties and every now and again you get to make out with a topless Cindy Crawford on the deck of a yacht while George and Rande Gerber are downstairs smoking cigars (take that as code for something if you want).

Once you get tired of that, you cash in. When you and George are sitting in the smoking room of his Italian villa and he’s reading the newspaper, all you have to do is say, “So I’m thinking of going off the pi…..” You’ll look over and all you’ll see is a newspaper floating in the air and a bunch of smoke below it, because George busted out of there before you could spit out the two Ls. Then a moving truck with all of your shit in it will pull up to the driveway and his lawyer will make you sign a confidentiality agreement in exchange for keys to your new condo and a key to the bank lock box with a bunch of jooree in it. You’ll have a condo for your baby to live in and you can sell all that jooree to buy diapers. You can have it all! It beats going to college!

George Clooney Is Not Renewing Stacy Keibler’s Contract

Stacy Keibler already achieved what most of George Clooney’s past red carpet escorts haven’t: she made it past more than one award season. But UsWeekly says that Stacy isn’t going to beat her own record, because she’s not going to make it to another award season. George isn’t planning on renewing her contract and he’s having a stone slab with her name on it made for the Memory Walk of Past Beards in the backyard of his Italian villa.

A source tells UsWeekly that George and Stacy are just realizing that their 18 year age difference is screwing with their relationship. 51-year-old George wants to sit on his sex ramp at home and sip on a beer while softly stroking the hair of his Brad Pitt Real Doll. 33-year-old Stacy wants to go out and party and shit. The source also says that George isn’t into Stacy’s friends, so the end is near. Pour one out for Stacy!

This was about as expected as me drunkenly passing out into a plate of Girl Scout cookie crumbs while watching an episode of Income Property last night, but I thought that Stacy might make it to another award season. As far as my ass knows, Stacy didn’t even say the M (for marriage) word! Stacy probably programmed herself to never say that word and now she’ll never be able to say it. She’s probably allergic to it. If a dude ever tries to propose to her, she’ll start getting the shakes when he slips out the M word. Just one of the many side effects of PCD (post Clooney disorder).

And more importantly, since Clooney is obviously in the mood for dumping beards, can he please dump that beard on his face too? You ain’t Topol, bitch.

Here’s Stacy at the launch of Joe Fresh for JcPenney in L.A. last night.