Yes, THAT Heidi Montag. And yes, she made a movie. And while the plot of this movie is basically about time travel and trying to assassinate Jesus, it’s still easier to comprehend than the fact that, again, it’s 2020 and Heidi Montag is getting cast in movies.
There was probably a time in his career when Kanye West could fill Yankee Stadium all on his own, but lately, he needs the help of a higher power. And Jesus just ain’t going to cut it. So Kanye’s calling on an even higher power, large-toothed televangelist Joel Osteen. According to TMZ, Kanye will be joining Joel in May for an event at Yankee Stadium called “America’s Night of Hope.” Kanye’s figured out the secret to success. If you want people to hoot and holler for you, regardless of the quality of your message, put yourself in front of a crowd of believers and name drop Jesus a bunch of times. You’ll have them eating out of the psalm of your hands.
In People-Really-Will-Buy-Anything News, a shoe created to mock “collab culture” which cost almost $1,425 sold out in minutes. Yes: the design company MSCHF decided to make a statement and gag the public, and instead they got gagged themselves by sort of accidentally making a huge monetary success out of a prank. Enter: the highly expensive “Jesus Shoes”.
Kenny G’s latest album, Jesus Is King, was supposed to have been released this past Sunday, but it wasn’t, and according to TMZ, no new release has been announced. Apparently, Kenny’s good friend Kanye West wasn’t quite done tinkering with it yet. How much tinkering does an album full of romantic soprano sax solos require? We may never know. Because JIK is a gospel album, and as much as I’d like to pretend otherwise, Kenny’s only featured on one track. JIK is 100% certifiable Kanye, and it’s part of his rebirth as God’s most special tool. According to Fader, Kanye has decided he’s never doing secular music again.
For the better part of this year, Kanye West has been conducting his own musical outdoor church-style services, called Kanye West’s Sunday Services, and it’s quickly become the hottest cult in town! It’s great for people who want a church experience that focuses less on God, and more on a dude who thinks he’s God and has made it very clear that he’s in it for the $$$. The only problem is, Kanye’s Sunday Services are super exclusive, and admission is reserved for only the most elite VIPs.
But it looks like Kanye is finally going to open his church up to everyone. Kim Kardashian recently tweeted a picture of what appears to be the track listing of a new album of spiritual songs titled Jesus Is King.
Go ahead and take your ass back to Target, and return those egg dying kits and boxes of Peeps, if haven’t already eaten them for your breakfast, which I know you have. Because Easter is canceled! The annual celebration of Jesus’ resurrection has been shelved, because Jesus knows he cannot compete with the Beysurrection of Beyonce at Beychella. At every mall across America, the people who play the Easter Bunny are changing out of that costume and into a bee costume because nobody cares about that irrelevant rabbit right now!
As expected, a special about Beyonce’s 2018 Coachella performance was released on Netflix early this morning, and as not-that-expected, she also released a 40-track live album of the performance. Happy Beyster Day, or as it’s also known as, Happy International Beyhive Member Fake Coughing While Calling In Sick To Work Day!