Sean Penn Almost Named His Son “Steak”

The “the steak doesn’t fall far from the beef jerky-faced tree” jokes are too easy.

Sean Penn has two children with Robin Wright: 25-year-old Dylan Frances and 22-year-old Hopper Jack. According to Hopper, the name written on his birth certificate wasn’t his father’s first choice. Hopper tells Interview magazine that if the decision had been left up to Sean Penn, his name would be Steak Penn. Yes, steak like the food. Why? Because Sean Penn apparently really loves steak.

“My dad wanted to name me Steak, the food, because he loves it so much. But my mom was never going to go for it.”

I never really pictured Sean Penn as being a steak kind of guy. I guess I just always assumed that Sean Penn survived on a diet that consists solely of Carolina Reaper hot peppers and popcorn. Peppers to maintain his high levels of white-hot rage, and popcorn to keep him in a constant state of being perpetually agitated. Nothing is more agitating that trying to always feeling like you’ve got a popcorn kernel stuck in between your teeth.

I can’t really shit on Sean Penn for wanting to name his kid after a type of food. When I was a kid, there was a brand of lactose-free milk called Lactancia, and I thought that was just about the most glamorous name I had ever heard and swore I was going to name a child Lactancia. So, I get it, Sean. I don’t condone it, but I understand.

As for why they chose Hopper instead, Hopper says it was because his dad “idolized” Dennis Hopper, and that his mother claims he hopped in her stomach rather than kicked. He didn’t kick? Really? Are we sure he’s actually Sean Penn’s son?

Pic: Splash

Robin Wright Loves All The Shitty Reviews For Sean Penn’s “The Last Face”

I don’t know if that middle finger is deliberate or accidental, but since this is a story about how much Robin Wright dislikes Sean Penn, it’s more fun to pretend it’s deliberate.

When Sean Penn’s latest film, The Last Face, premiered at Cannes, the critics thought it was stinkier than the stink-eye Charlize Theron gave him at the premiere. If Sean Penn cared about the reviews and had enough moisture in his dehydrated tear ducts to cry, I’m sure the LOLs and boooos would have triggered a few salty ones to roll down his face. Well, Sean’s ex-wife Robin Wright is loving all the bad reviews.

A source tells Page Six that Robin had been trying to develop The Last Face for years, and it was sort of a passion project for her. She apparently planned on starring in it with Ryan Gosling and Javier Bardem (who did end up being in it), but couldn’t secure the financing for it. After Sean and Robin split up in 2010, he went ahead and obtained the rights to The Last Face. Damn, I knew Sean Penn was cold, but I didn’t realize he was steal-a-script cold.

Page Six claims that the source told them several years ago that Robin was sure Sean optioned the script for The Last Face just to be a vindictive twat. They also say that Robin was really depressed at the thought of it being a success and Charlize winning an Oscar for it. The Last Face currently holds a rating of 7% on Rotten Tomatoes, so I don’t think she has to worry about that. But her frown turned upside down when she found out The Last Face was a bonafide flop at Cannes.

“Robin is thrilled the movie bombed. She has too much class to say so publicly, but this was her baby.”

Another source says that watching her ex-husband crash and burn so shortly after it was revealed that she had successfully increased the numbers on her House of Cards paycheck has got her “quietly smirking while smoking by a window.” I don’t know if that’s a metaphor or she’s literally smirking while smoking at a window, but it sounds like the definition of living your best life. Every SuperSoul Sunday should end with Oprah wishing you a smirk-and-smoke-by-the-window moment.

Pic: Splash

Can’t You Feel The Tender Warmness Between Exes Charlize Theron And Sean Penn?

I don’t know what’s better: That awkward picture of Charlize Theron and Sean Penn looking like they would rather be hugging a bitchy grizzly bear who hates intimacy or the reviews for his new movie The Last Face.

There’s a good reason for why it looks like Charlize Theron is awkwardly consoling Sean Penn at a funeral. She kind of is. Sean Penn directed The Last Face, which is about the head of an international aid organization (Charlize Theron) and a relief doctor (Javier Bardem) who fall in love while trying to save the people of Liberia. That movie sounds like forty five layers of NOPE. If I had to choose between watching The Last Face and a Keeping Up with the Kardashians marathon, I’d pre-schedule a confessional with a priest to apologize for the unholy sins I was about to commit and I’d start watching the staged antics of Pimp Mama Kris and her hos. But now I kind of want to see The Last Face after reading some of the reviews.

The Last Farce (typo and it stays) screened at Cannes, and the critics tore it apart, torched its remains and then put the flames out with their piss. They laughed and booed. It’s apparently as steamingly stinky as a reporter’s turd baking on an Arizona front lawn. Indiewire and The Wrap posted a collection of the awful reviews the movie got, but this tweet sums it up:

Is it possible Charlize Theron saw a rough cut of THE LAST FACE and *then* ended things with Sean Penn? I would.

— Guy Lodge (@GuyLodge) May 20, 2016

Sean claims he doesn’t care about the crap reviews, but that sad tomato face he made at his movie’s Cannes premiere said otherwise. And I’m telling myself that in the picture above, Charlize kicked the flame-broiled pickled sausage while he was down by whispering in his ear, “And by the way, I faked it. Every. Single. Time.”

Pics: Getty, Wenn.com

Lee Daniels Is Really Sorry For Calling Sean Penn A Lady Beater

Lee Daniels, the co-creator of Empire, vowed to fight the defamation lawsuit that Sean Penn threw at him, but I guess he figured it’s cheaper just to settle up and spit out a fake apology than continue to pay endless lawyer bills. Because Lee Daniels has settled with Sean Penn and now they’re good.

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Charlize Theron Doesn’t Really Know What “Ghosting” Is But Says She Didn’t Do That Shit To Sean Penn

When Charlize Theron finally woke up from the dickmatized haze that the barbecued Alf doll Sean Penn put her under, there were rumors that she ghosted his ass. But in a new interview with the WSJ. magazine, Charlize says that she didn’t ghost Sean and she doesn’t even really know what “ghosting” is!

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Sean Penn Thinks His Article About El Chapo Failed

Sean Penn talked to Charlie Rose for 60 Minutes to defend his hilarious and ridiculous train wreck of an article on El Chapo for Rolling Stone. Pieces of the interview aired on CBS This Morning. Sean Penn had words to say about the reporters who hated on his article and the news that his meeting with El Chapo led to the capture of the murdering drug kingpin. If you don’t feel like seeing Sean Penn whine about how everybody doesn’t like his article, look on YouTube for videos of a baboon pushing a fart out of its bloated ass. It’s practically the same thing.

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