Katy Perry Considered Ending It All After Russell Brand Dumped Her In A Text Message

September 30, 2013 / Posted by:

Katy Perry almost called Kellie Martin at the Crisis Center when she realized that the crabs she caught from her husband of 10 seconds Russell Brand were going to survive longer than her marriage did. Katy Perry said before that Russell behaved like the kind and caring husband he is by letting her know in a text message that he was divorcing her ass. In Russell’s defense, he couldn’t call and tell her, because it would’ve been hard for him to speak while his mouth was on the cooch of his latest rebound. Katy tells Billboard that a song called “By Grace of God” on her new album PRISM is about Russell texting her with: I AM DVRCING U K THX BYE. Knowing her marriage was dead made Katy consider throwing herself in a shallow grave next to it.

“That song is evident of how tough it really was at a certain point. I asked myself, ‘Do I want to endure? Should I continue living?’ All the songs are real-life moments. I can only write autobiographically. I put all the evidence in the music. I tell my fans if they want to know the real truth about stuff, just listen to the songs.”

You know you’re losing your mind and are in a dark, scary fucked up place when you consider asking Walter White for packets of Stevia because Russell Brand dumped you. While Katy Perry was crying out lonely tears, her twat was crying out tears of joy over being free of Russell Brand. Yes, breaking up sucks, but Russell dumping you via text message is the equivalent of God telling you that he cares about the health and well-being of your snatch.

And this is what Katy said about her latest douche piece John Mayer:

“He literally is a genius, as is evident from his songwriting. I always tell him, ‘Darling, you know I’m going to have to give your mind to science after you’ve passed, because we’re going to have to understand how all these sparks work.’

We’ll be in bed, and he’ll be doing the crossword puzzle. Every night, he tries to finish it in under 10 minutes. When he puts his mind to something, he really gets it done very well. I always ask for his help.”

Does Katy Perry want me to commit suicide by barfing all of my insides out, because if she does, she needs to keep spitting out those quotes about John Mayer.

And here’s Katy’s latest single “Walking on Air,” which sounds like a CeCe Peniston B-side.

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