Category: Russell Brand
Russell Brand Is Really Going To Be A Dad
It’s only just beginning to warm up here on the East Coast and it’s kind of touch and go. People have been cooped up inside and are ready to bust out their daisy dukes and make some regrettable decisions and dance moves. What’s the number one activity during winter house months? Humping. I’m preparing myself for a lot of pregnancy announcements. And speaking of pregnancy announcements, Russell Brand may haven given his girlfriend a case of the babies. Whoopee.
According to the Daily Mail, the master of rat’s nest hair styles and fashion inspiration for every guy you automatically know lives in L.A., and his girlfriend, Laura Gallacher are going to be welcoming a baby into the world in about four months. Russell and Laura have a long history but are now trying to make it for real. They first started going out in 2006 and have been on/off ever since. A source close to them said:
They have been living as a couple for the last six months and are determined to make a go of their relationship. It feels like a new chapter in their lives and the couple are enjoying every moment, including discussing baby names. Russell is absolutely made up. Most of his closest friends have children and he was desperate to start a family.
Apparently, Russell has wanted the baby and family life for quite some time. Some are saying that one of the reasons he and the human version of a grocery store sticker vending machine, Katy Perry, split was because she thought she was too young to have a baby. Russell has a reputation as something of a huge man whore – his exes and one night stands include Kate Moss and Courtney Love – but even the hoiest ho gets to a point where they long for more than awkward small talk after parts have bumped. Let’s just hope the kid gets Laura’s hair and not Russell’s rat’s nest. There’s no need for anymore of this.
Pic: Wenn
Russell Brand Trashes His Life With Katy Perry In A Documentary About Him
In the Katy Perry concert movie Katy Perry: Part of Me, there’s a scene where she brings the raw emotions and breaks down after her then-husband Russell Brand tells her in a text that just like deodorant, he’s done with her. Well, in a documentary about Russell Brand, he doesn’t get that sentimental about his marriage to Katy Perry. That picture of them pretty much sums it all up. The camera flashes make Katy Perry light up like me when I see any live dick in front of me and they make Russell Brand’s face go glum.
Katy Perry Hasn’t Spoken To Russell Brand Since He Quit Their Marriage Via Text (UPDATE)
Put on your (whatever you were wearing in 2011) and pop a bottle of (whatever you were drinking in 2011) and let’s go back to a time when receiving a text containing the divorce papers emoji followed by the sad face emoji from your legal piece of a year was still something that justified you never speaking to their rude asses again. “Ah, t’was a much more formal time” thought everyone who at this moment is quitting their latest Tinder piece by tagging them in a picture of a trash can on Instagram.
During an interview with the Daily Telegraph (via UsWeekly), perpetual moody teenage girl cosplayer Katy Perry admitted that she hasn’t said shit to Russell Brand since he quit their marriage via text message three and a half years ago. And it’s not like Russell Brand is desperately trying, like “Oi mate, give us a ring? We miss you“; according to Katy, he doesn’t want to talk to her either.
“He hasn’t spoken to me since he texted me saying he was filing for divorce. I don’t want to talk about him — my songs will say what I need to say.”
She also went on to say that she still has the cat they adopted together, but she has since changed her name from Rusty (a combination of Russell and Katy) to Monkey.
But of course Russell hasn’t contacted Katy; he’s been too busy writing nightmare-making children’s books and being the Erin Brockovich of east London housing (I don’t know if that made any damn sense). I’m sure it would be a whole other story if Russell Brand was unemployed. Trust me on this one, her phone would be blowing up with texts that start with “U up? U want to talk? I miss u” and end with “No srsl girl, u up? I am – WINK!” if he didn’t have a job. Although something tells me she’s used to getting texts like that every time she calls it quits with John Mayer.
UPDATE: Katy Perry swatted at the Daily Telegraph on Twitter for reusing quotes she gave them three years ago. Okay, but has she spoken to Russell Brand lately or not?!?
Don’t Ask Russell Brand How Much Rent He Pays During A Housing Protest
The rent is too damn high almost everywhere and at the New Era housing estate in east London, the rent is going to be so damn high that people will have to pack up and move elsewhere.
Former actor turned government troller Russell Brand is fighting against the owner of a housing estate in east London, because they’re more than tripling the price of rent. The Daily Mail says that east London has become more and more fancier and trendier, so a company called Westbrook, who owns the New Era housing estate, is planning to up the price of rent from $1,016 per month to $3,100 per month, which is the going rate for that neighborhood. Tenants were initially told that rent wouldn’t go up until 2016, but of course, Westbrook lied. Nearly 90 households will be forced to move or they’ll be forced to sell their ass, kidneys and children to pay the new rent. Russell Brand has become the face of the fight.
QOTD: Courtney Love Wouldn’t Screw Russell Brand Because He Smelled “Too Musky”
Courtney Love would fuck a hyena if it waved a half-smoked ciggie at her (who wouldn’t?), but she tells Channel’s 4 Alan Carr: Chatty Man (via UsWeekly) that when Russell Brand tried to get into her chonies, she turned him down, because he smelled “too musky.” We should totally bottle Russell’s stank and call it Too Musky. We can sell it at Sephora. We’ll become billionaires, because every living thing will buy it to keep Courtney Love off of their asses. It’ll be the Courtney Love repellent! Anyway, here’s the hilariousness that Courtney spit up:
“My favorite Russell Brand line was when we first were friends and he tried to hit on me and nothing ever happened. He goes, ‘I’ve had a lot of grand conversations, darling, but none of them have ever ended in an orgasm. Can we go in your room? He’s got some good lines. [But] I said to Russell, ‘You’re too musky for me, man.’He is a little musky. We did yoga together and the musk was there.”
I totally believe that Russell Brand tried to hump Courtney Love, because Russell Brand tries to hump any and everything. Russell walks down the street, spots a trash can he’s attracted to and chats it up for a second before he pulls his pants down and humps it good. Then Russell pulls his pants up, walks some more, spots a discarded cheeseburger wrapper that he’s attracted to and chats it up for a second before he pulls his pants down and humps it good. Russell fucks anything. How do you think he became the health department’s most wanted? What I don’t believe is that Courtney turned Russell down for smelling “musky.” That’s impossible! All the drugs she’s shoved up her nose ate her sense of smell. Bitch hasn’t smelled shit since the 90s.
Courtney probably took Russell up on his offer and as they were headed to a back alleyway to get it on, a citizen alerted the CDC who immediately showed up and broke them up by spraying them down with industrial-strength ammonia. Thank God, because imagine the STDs these two would’ve created together.
Russell Brand Is Writing Several Rat-Filled Children’s Books
Why did I just get the overwhelming desire for a hot shower, a visit to the clinic (STD, CDC, veterinary – it doesn’t matter), and a heavy-set school nurse to check my hair for lice? Actually, scratch that last one; I’m always in the mood for a nice, relaxing lice check (BRB – need to draw up a Shark Tank business idea for a kiosk in the mall that offers a 30-minute pretend lice check).
In what could potentially be just another April Fools joke (which almost got lost under the heavy pile of yearly Facebook statuses announcing fake pregnancies) former elfin heroin-shooting slut Russell Brand released a video on YouTube yesterday claiming that he’s begun work with illustrator Chris Riddell on a series of children’s books titled Russell Brand’s Trickster Tales. Brand says the Trickster Tales are his take on fairy tales, and according to Riddell: “Russell’s voice is unique – funny, wise and engaging. And there will be rats, lots and lots of rats!” Not surprisingly, the first book in the Trickster Tales series is Russell Brand’s interpretation of The Pied Piper of Hamelin (I’m crossing my fingers that it’s an updated version where the Pied Piper drives the Kardashian family of rats out of town).
But why children’s books? Well, go find something soft to pass out on, because Russell’s explanation will get you higher than deeply inhaling welding fumes:
“I’ll do interpretations of fairy stories and folk tales, believing them to be the code to unlock aspects of our consciousness and to affect and impact the way we see the world. Once we start changing the way children see the world, oh we can do all sorts of stuff.”
What in the name of Dr. Seuss’s glue-huffing junkie nephew? Did any of that make sense to you? Me neither! What the fuck is he talking about? I know he thinks he’s going to open the minds of a generation of booger-munchers, but someone needs to tell Green Eggs and Brand that kids aren’t that fucking deep. My favourite book when I was a kid was a plastic puffy bath book about mermaids, and once my brain finally developed, it was Where’s Waldo. If Russell really wants to reach kids, he should scrap the Trickster Tales and just hide a bunch of rats in a picture of a bumping’ vampire party.