While Ben Affleck Galavants In Paris, Jennifer Garner Is “Getting Quite Close” With Her Burger Boyfriend
For the past four years, Jennifer Garner and her Robot Burger Man, CaliBurger CEO John Miller, have been “getting serious.” In that same span of time, her ex Ben Affleck has gone from “beaming” with Ana de Armas, to being “head over heels in love and in this for the long term,” with Ana, to being “in different points in their lives” with Ana, to being “a perpetually glum cuckold” with Ana, to talking about being having felt “trapped” in his marriage to Jennifer, to being “just friends” with Jennifer Lopez, to having enabled the “the first clear shots” with JLo on a balcony, to being “madly in love” with JLo, to “looking at massive homes” with JLo, to being “in it for the long haul” with JLo, to exchanging “shock nuptials at a Las Vegas wedding chapel” with JLo, to “sleeping with his mouth wide open in public” on his honeymoon with some woman named Jennifer Lynn Affleck. However, Jen the First is catching up quickly! Us Weekly reports that she and John are now “getting quite close!”
Things between Jennifer Garner and her burger boo might have just rapidly escalated from “Serious” to “She’s got a gold ring, and I don’t mean the kind you pluck from a side of onion rings that came with her extra value burger meal.” Because Jennifer Garner recently posted a video of herself to Instagram and stealing all the focus away from that huge mug of tea (that front-facing camera remains the queen of distortion), was the kind of diamond ring that makes a person wonder if she’s engaged to her burger tech CEO boyfriend, John Miller.
With all the recent talk that a possible Benniferaissance may soon be upon us, Ben Affleck’s ex-wife Jennifer Garner might be feeling a little left out of the mix. Maybe that’s why we are now hearing that she and Robot Hamburger Man John Miller “are giving their relationship another go,” according to Us Weekly. Is the world ready for Bennifer v Burgerfer duking it out for the paparazzi’s attention? Yes. Please, bring it on. But sadly Bugerfer is no competition for the potent mix of post-Ana de Armas Ben and post-Alex Rodriquz Jennifer Lopez who wield the collective power of the early aughts. #PoweredByJuicyCouture
After Ben Affleck’s recent sobriety setback, we were reminded once again what an absolute saint his ex-wife Jennifer Garner is. She’s like the statue of liberty for troubled men, only Ben’s a one-man huddled mass. Ben spent time with Jennifer on Halloween and was papped doing a school drop off with her. According to Us Weekly, the reason that Jen’s been able to stay strong during this difficult time is because her robot hamburger man John Miller has been beep-beep-booping by her side.
World class concert violinist Caroline Campbell is getting a taste of Hollywood-sized notoriety, whether she wants it or not. Her ex-husband, Robot Burger Man aka John Miller, is dating Jennifer Garner and the details of John and Caroline’s divorce are now part of the public record. And while Caroline may not have been paying close attention to that record, the tabloids were. That’s how she wound up learning her divorce had been finalized by reading about it on the internet.