John Travolta was the breakout star of last year’s Oscars when he gave us the gift of “Adele Dazeem” and last night he made it perfectly clear that he cannot be topped (yes, I see what I did there) as the #1 creator of Oscar night fuckery. John’s crown is firmly sewed into his Shih-Tzu wig and cannot be snatched. John gave the Internet several gifts last night and it started early when he delicately planted a creepy kiss on ScarJo’s face while on the red carpet as she threw him a “Bitch, you better not be putting MAC Lip Glass stains on my face” look. That picture looks like a still from one of the creepiest Twilight Zone episodes of all-time. John Travolta looks like a mad scientist who is marveling at the perfect and gorgeous robot beard he just built. That kiss is very “my precious, my precious.” That picture could even bring a chill to Vincent Price’s spine.
And John kept the hits coming by throwing this look at Benedict Cumberbatch during the show:
Some people on Twitter said that John needed to be hooked up to an IV drip full of Gatorade since he looked thirsty as all hell, but I don’t think that’s what’s happening in this picture. I think that John has got B. Cums’ number. The Alien Lizard King is probably from one of Scientology’s rival planets and John Travolta is keeping an eye on his shifty nemesis.
John not only entertained us on the red carpet and in the audience, he also brought the WTFness to the stage. John and Idina Menzel reunited to present Best Original Song. Idina made fun of John screwing up her name by calling him Glom Gazingo, which strangely enough is his alien drag queen name. While presenting with Idina, John did this:
On one hand, it’s not that weird since that’s how Scientologists greet non-Scientologists. He’s touching her face to make sure she’s not really an undercover alien from a rival planet wearing a human mask (see: B. Cums). But on the other hand, John, of all hos, should know that it’s never okay to screw with someone’s makeup like that. If Idina smeared his blush and foundation game the way he did hers, he’d run off the stage screaming, “Touch up! Touch up! I need a touch a up!”
And finally, John was a guest on Jimmy Kimmel Live! after the show and told Jimmy that we all owe last year’s “Adele Dazeem” screw-up to Goldie Hawn. John said that he ran into Goldie Hawn right before he went out on stage and her sexiness and charisma threw him off. Oh, Glom Gazingo, never stop, never stop. And where’s the petition to get John to host and present every award at next year’s Oscars?