Category: Met Gala 2014
Dax Shepard Annoyed Jay-Z At The Met Gala
Dax Shepard and Kristen Bell are known for several things. They’re a couple, they’re a couple of actors, and they are very good at annoying the hell out of people. Usually it happens whenever Dax or Kristen decides to tell a TMI story about their personal life. But did you know Dax can also annoy people all on his own, with no help from Kristen? According to Kristen, Dax once cornered Jay-Z at the Met Gala in hopes of making a new friend, but Jay-Z wasn’t having any of it.
And The Fourth Runner-Up In The Miss Rebel Alliance Pageant Is…
Not Kirsten Dunst! You think that sad excuse for a Death Star costume would take her anywhere close to the top 5? They don’t give crowns to lazy tricks who wrap a Star Wars bed sheet around them and call it a day. You gotta WERK if you wanna steal the title from Khloe Kardashian (who wins every year with her flawlessly realistic Wookie costume).
Betty Draper-in-training wore a dress from Rodarte’s Star Wars-themed fall 2014 collection, but I’m so disappointed she picked the safest one. If there’s any event where it’s ok to dress like a goddamn mistake-humping disaster, it’s the Met Gala. She should have picked the one where C-3P0 is popping out of the sand to guard your pussy against Jawas, and paired it with an R2-D2 helmet. Hell, she could have written RETURN OF THE JEDI on her face in red lipstick, and she still wouldn’t have been the most questionable-looking one there (is everything okay, David Burtka??).
But that’s assuming she even knows what Star Wars is, which I don’t for a second believe she does (because if she did, she’d know you’d NEVER wear something that glamorized the Galactic Empire oh god I’m such a loser). Kiki’s only concept of Star Wars is probably limited to what she saw after drunkenly wandering into Star Tours at Disneyland, and I’m sure that when someone asked her about her dress she was like “I’m a total nerd! I love Star Wars, I’ve probably seen it 400 times. My favorite character? Probably Spock or Gandalf. ‘Use the force, Harry!’ OMG I’m such a geek.”
Pics: Splash
When 70s Cult Leaders Dress Up….
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Those are faces that make you cover the top of your cup with your hand and keep your eyes wide open, because if you turn away they will drop a roofie in your drink and the next thing you know you’ll wake up tied to a wrought iron bed in the attic of a country house in the middle of Missouri and these two will be forcing you to drink something that smells like chemicals and fruit punch while they tell you they want to show you the way to true spiritual enlightenment! DON’T DRINK IT!
Maggie Gyllenhaal and Jake Gyllenhaal got together before the Met Gala last night and said to each other, “How can we make everybody scream for an adult?” Maggie gave us some “Mrs. Roper after leaving Mr. Roper, cutting all her hair off and moving to a commune to find herself” shit and Jake looked like a Russian literature professor turned cult leader who rubs the thigh of anyone he’s talking to. Basically, they look like Father Yoda’s children.
And because of this scary shit, Sandra Lee’s scary shit, Lea Michele’s scary shit and Katie Holmes’ scary shit, Halloween fell on May 5th this year.
“Welcome To The Gay Clown Matador Grill, We’ll Be Your Servers Tonight”
And at The Gay Clown Matador Grill, the meth is always grilled to perfection and the toilet is always overflowing and flooding the dining room so wear your chic-est high waters.
Neil Patrick Harris plays Hedwig 5 days a week and so last night he decided to switch Broadway shit up and dress up as the Emcee from Cabaret if the Emcee was cursed by an ancient elder gypsy for running over his daughter. DOOGIE’S FACE! Not putting carbs in his mouth and going on the Matthew McConaughey Dallas Buyers Club diet to play Hedwig has made him look like the star of a Faces of Meth poster circa 1924.
Ever since Doogie Howser and his fiancé David Burtka moved to NYC they’ve really been going for it. When they lived in L.A., they were Club Monaco-wearing gays who drove blue Audi SUVs and regularly argued in the middle of a Bristol Farms about what kind of cheese to use in the fondue for their Doris Day movie marathon party. Now that they’re living in New York, they’re bringing out the eyeliner and the hair bleach. SO NEW YORK!
And at the Met Gala Meth Gala last night they looked like an Eastern European dueling piano duo who is currently taking Las Vegas by storm! Siegfried and Roy seethe whenever they see these two.
By the way, yes my eyeballs spent way too much on the crotch of Doogie’s man to see if he’s pitching a circus tent.
Somewhere In New Jersey, A Boozy Mob Wife Is Missing Her Look
I’ve looked at close to 1,000 pictures from last night’s Met Gala and I’m still having trouble identifying what in he hell the theme was supposed to be (so far I’ve narrowed it down to either Cheap & Tacky or A Tribute to Basic Bitches), but I do know that the theme was definitely not A Salute to The Sopranos, so can someone explain why Lea Michele showed up looking like one of the strippers from the Bada Bing on her way to Pauly Walnuts’s nephew’s Christening? Lea, those nails though – STAHP. The acrylic is so thick, it looks like your hand should be wrapped around a dick in the Champagne Room, while the other hand checks to make sure your Ardell Fashion Lashes aren’t falling off.
Or maybe this is Lea’s way of telling the producers on Glee that they can go ahead and officially send a basket of pink slips to Naya Rivera’s trailer, because she can do sexy all by herself. Except that she can’t, because she looks about as sexy as a hammerhead shark trying to hold in a painful hot sauce fart at Studio 54. Why do I get the feeling that she spent most of the night slinking up behind people and whispering: “Lookin’ for a good time? Just kidding! It’s me, beautiful Broadway and television superstar Lea Michele, but I bet you thought it was someone very sexy, right? I’m an incredibly versatile, talented actress. Here, allow me to demonstrate through song…”
And of all the sexy faces she practiced in the mirror before she left for the Met Gala, why did she go with ‘pill-drowsy MILF eye-fucking her son’s friends at his college graduation party’?
Pic: Splash
For Why, Lupita, For Why?????
Okay, the Met Gala MESS Gala theme this year really was Busted Disney Princesses and Lupita Nyong’o got the memo, because here she is serving up some disco Pocahontas madness.
Where do I even begin? Lupita must’ve let the whole “being fashion’s it” girl go to her head, so she showed those fashion whores that she can show up to the Met Gala looking like a dreamcatcher caught a nightmare. How does this even happen? Was she doing lines of coke at the pied-à-terre of some 70s pimp and realized she was late to the Met Gala so she threw one of his beaded curtains and a few potted plans on her body and called it good? It’s like Josephine Baker as a Solid Gold dancer. She’s like a living cat toy.
But I guess, there’s no point in going to the Met Gala if you’re not going to look like you lost every piece of your mind and should be 5150’d. So with that said, Lupita was my second favorite mess of the night and my favorite mess was Drunk Ass Sandra Lee and her deflated fallopian tube gown.
