Okay, Who Projectile Diarrhea’d All Over The Front Of Katie Holmes’ Dress?

In the Scientology bath house, Tommy Girl is letting out a high-octave cackle over how busted Katie Holmes looks at tonight’s Met Gala MESS Gala and all the other boys are throwing him a, “Bitch, you’ve looked worse and I know you’ve gotten into scat play,” side-eye.

This year’s Met Gala theme is supposed to be Charles James: Beyond Fashion, but Anna Wintour must’ve decided to fuck with some certain whores by writing on their invitation that the theme is really Busted Disney Princesses Who’ve Been Dragged Through The Gutter. Because first Sandra Lee shows up looking like what you’d get if you called a Hire-A-Princess company and told them you could only pay with a torn dollar bill and bottom shelf vodka shots. Then Katie Holmes shows up looking like a down and out Belle. If Belle got really uppity and snobby when she married the prince and the staff had enough of her shit and jumped her before shooting her with a paint ball gun full of poop, this is what she would look like as she ran for safety to the town square. This is post-traumatic stress Belle.

Suri had ONE job to do and that job was to not make Katie looks like a raggedy mess. Suri failed us all. Suri, you’re fired!

Pics: Getty, AP

What In Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Boo Hell?

If Cinderella’s fairy godmother really hated her and was also addicted to bath salts, this is the dress she’d end up wearing to the ball.

Drunk Ass Sandra Lee brought her semi-homemadeness to the Met Gala (more like MESS Gala) tonight in NYC by wearing a dress that was made with a Rite-Aid Cinderella costume, satin bolster pillows that came apart in the washing machine and all the tulle in Manhattan. She looks like a boozed-up, desperate, middle-aged Cindrella who put on her old gown to relive the glory days and to pick up some young princes in the next kingdom over. Those giant satin turds on her hips look like fancy goiters. She’s probably storing 6 1-gallon jugs of vodka and various mixes in those satin turd bags. You never know when an open bar is going to run out of booze, so Drunkerella always comes prepared.

An open bar + a gigantic ball gown + Sandra Lee = a beautiful disaster waiting to happen.

I hope that Kim Kartrashian is standing in the middle of the stairs when Drunk Ass Sandra Lee tries to walk down and trips on her gown, turning her into a drunk, satin bowling ball that knocks that Kartrashian out. It’s the only good that can come out of that mess of a dress.

Pics: AP, Getty Images