When I say the name Madonna, I’m either referring to the pop star who may be losing her mind in quarantine (join the club), or the ultimate maternal figure, mother of Jesus, the Virgin Mary. Madonna is Mother. But, apparently, in the case 23-year-old Lourdes, 19-year-old Rocco, 14-year-olds David and Mercy, and seven-year-old twins Esther and Stella, Madonna, you ARE the father! At least according to Instagram. On Sunday she posted a series of pics of her and her brood of kids, with the caption: “Happy Fathers Day to Me and to every parent out there doing their best to Nurture, Guide, Inspire and Teach!”
Carlos Leon is Lourdes’ father and Guy Ritchie is both Rocco’s biological father and David’s adoptive father. But fuck those Dads, right? Especially Guy. They get zero Father’s Day love. Because Madonna is Mom, Dad, Sun, Moon, God, Goddess, Movie Star, COVID-Warrior, Movie Killer, Everything.
There have been Black Lives Matter protests all over the world after the murder of George Floyd. Madonna previously paid homage to George with a questionable decision to post a video of her Black son dancing to a Michael Jackson song. But well, she followed that up by actually doing something helpful. She hit the streets of London this weekend to wobble in a BLM protest. And since she’s got a bad knee, she took her crutches along with her. So she was ready to support Black people, and support her knee, and beat up a cop with her crutch if they tried to teargas her ass.
The only topic where Madonna has shown more self-awareness and grace than COVID-19 is race. After the death of George Floyd triggered intense protests in America, especially in Minneapolis where it happened, Madonna heard the plight of black Americans and had to speak up. Not only did she share the horrifying 10-minute long video showing the police officer with his knee on George’s back as he pleads for air, she called for gun control and justice for George Floyd.
She could have stopped there. But did she? Madonna decided to end her tribute to police brutality and racism by then posting a video of her 14-year-old son David Banda dancing because… dancing cures everything?
Madonna’s stunt butt is back (possibly on loan from Tom Cruise as they’re completely useless in space). On New Years Eve of 2019 at The Stonewall Inn, Madonna reminded us all that she’s the original Material Girl due to the copious yards of material it took to fully envelop her laughably augmented ass. We never learned what the ass was made of (feathers, silicone, shop rags, helium?) because Madonna told us to mind our own business. However, Madonna dropped a clue on Instagram. Careful observers can deduce that it does not consist of an enlarged nubbin of cartilage because Madonna announced that she’s excited to undergo long awaited “regenerative treatment” for missing cartilage. So lay those rumors to rest. Madonna’s fake ass is not made from upcycled nose job trimmings!
Page Six says that Madonna may have taken those antibodies out for more than just a drive. After claiming she tested positive for COVID-19 antibodies, Madonna got some shit for attending the 55th birthday party of her friend, photographer Steven Klein. Well, not only did Madonna go to a party when we’re all supposed to be practicing social distancing, but she also reportedly flew from the UK to New York for the event.
Last week, Madonna claimed in one of her Quarantine Diaries that she has coronavirus antibodies inside of her and celebrated the news by saying she was planning on going for a drive and breathe in some “COVID-19 air.” Well, Madonna may have taken that drive and stepped up the foolery by driving to the 55th birthday party of photographer Steven Klein to shake those antibodies on the dance floor and possibly give Steven the birthday gift of a deadly virus! And we know Madge was there because Steven decided it would be a good idea to live stream the party and he also posted video on Instagram with the hashtag #socialdistancing2020. Steven obviously knows what that means! That picture above of him with his arm around the COVID Antibodies Queen is the pure definition of social distancing.