As Madonna gears up for her ambitious 35-city Celebration tour set to kick off in July, many fans are skeptical that she’ll actually make it happen, which could’ve been exacerbated by the shelving of her last ambitious project–her biopic. But, maybe Madonna is trying to convey to the doubters that she delivers (albeit late, which is better than never); because she just released her controversial 2003 “American Life” video on her YouTube channel this week. Back then, she decided against releasing the graphic, militaristic war-themed video due to the dawning of the Iraq War; but now that it’s twenty years later and it doesn’t look like war or violence is going anywhere and she has a tour to hype up, she decided it was high time to give us vintage Madonna face in remastered 4K.
It’s happening. My nightmare is coming true: the 2000s fashion craze is taking hold. A combination of Gen Z-ers stumbling upon reruns of The OC and fashion houses running out of ideas has led to this outcome. And one of the worst trends of the period has made its debut on the iHeartRadio Jingle Ball red carpet. Katie Holmes unabashedly rocked up to the event in the dreaded dress-over-jeans outfit. Maybe the Y2K glitch did actually happen in 2000 and sent us back in time because we’re definitely in the dark ages. Katie Holmes bringing back this Y2K awfulness makes sense since, during the aughts, she brought back the tight-rolled jeans of the 90s!
When it comes down to it, has anybody truly experienced devastatingly unfortunate luck and career lows like Justin Timberlake? I think not! Well, strap in for another eye-roll-inducing, stomach-churning tale of self-pity by everyone’s favorite former boy band member who isn’t AJ McLean.
You probably have a framed picture of Joe Millionaire circa 2003 hanging above your computer, but in case you’re one of those weirdos who don’t have that, here’s what he looked like back then:
Evan Marriott was the star of the gigantic reality shit show, Joe Millionaire, where he, a construction worker, pretended to be a multi-millionaire while dating a bunch of chicks. It was basically like The Bachelor, but better, because at least the last chick standing got a big check. Evan chose Zora Andrich and when she found out that he wasn’t a millionaire, she agreed to stay with his ass anyway. Because she didn’t pick up her gold digging shovel and split after finding out he’s not rich, she and Evan won a check for a million dollars, which they split. As expected, they didn’t last, but at least they both got $500,000 out of it.
After the show ended, Evan hosted a failed game show on the Game Show Network before going back to construction. Evan showed his face last night at the Evolution of Relationship Reality Shows discussion at The Paley Center for Media in Beverly Hills. Joe told UsWeekly that he’s still working in construction and he’s glad he’s back to being a nobody:
“I went back to work. I’m a contractor. I was saying backstage that after the show, you don’t know what to do, where to go with your life. Some friends got together, had a little intervention, a come to Jesus moment. [They] said, ‘You can’t come by our offices and just hang out anymore, and say: ‘What are you doing today?’ It was like, ‘What are YOU doing today?’ And I was just going to the bar.
I started a business for myself and everything has been great. I did my first job… I got it, and literally was almost in tears. I called my dad and said, ‘I feel like I’ve just been paroled, this is where I should have been, you know?'”
Back in 2003, Evan Marriott (I think I’ve stayed at the Evan Marriott before) looked like a failed boy bander who sprayed his balls with Cool Water and would leave a thick layer of gel on your pillow after a one night fuck. The Evan Marriott of today looks like the kind of dude who leaves his boots on when he fucks, uses chewing tobacco-infused spit as lube and sanitizes his finger with Coors Light before sticking it in your b-hole. Yes, I’d hit it now, I’d hit it then, I’d hit it anytime.
Here’s more pictures of all the bright shining reality shit show stars of the past that showed up last night including one of my favorites Darva Conger. If they wanted to show the evolution of relationship reality shows, they didn’t need all those people. They could have just brought out a toilet, dropped a turd in it and then flushed it. There you go.