Katt Williams Finally Got Arrested For Something

Spreading the fuckery finally caught up with Katt Williams again. Two Sundays ago, Katt used a Rascal scooter and a three-wheeled motorcycle to terrorize Target and the streets of Sacramento. Katt might have gotten away with slapping down a Target employee, but he didn’t get away with attacking a ho with a cue stick in Seattle yesterday. Will somebody please put this ragey troll toddler in a high-chair and stick a pacifier in his mouth after dipping it in lude dust and hash. Bitch needs to calm himself.

Katt was in Seattle for a show on Thursday and a show on Friday. Katt was a no-show on Thursday, and Friday’s show ended with an appearance by the cops. Three of his (former) fans claimed he attacked their asses when they tried to get a picture with him. Katt claimed the fans broke into his dressing room. Nobody was arrested. But then on Sunday afternoon, Katt went wild at the World Sports Grille in Seattle.

E! News says that Katt got into a verbal fight with several people and when he was told to leave, he waved a pool cue at the bar manager. Katt then followed a family outside and as they got into their car, he launched a cigarette through a car window. The lit cigarette hit a woman right below her eye. Katt also threw a rock at the car. The police showed up, Katt resisted arrest and they eventually got him into handcuffs and dragged him to jail. Katt was booked for investigation of assault, harassment and obstructing police officers. Suge Knight, who is Katt’s tour manager, bailed him out this morning.

Katt and Lindsay Lohan are seriously trying to beat each other’s record. There’s only one way to handle this. Tie a bag of the bad shit around Katt’s neck, tie a bag of the bag shit around LiLo’s neck and lock them in an empty room together. Close your eyes, cover your ears and wait until they snort each other up. Yeah, right. They’d probably bond over their mutual love of slapping and snorting, and become a two-headed Cracken monster that will destroy the world.

Katt Williams Is Still Bringing The Crazy

Katt Williams is the new Zsa Zsa Gabor and a Target cashier is the new Beverly Hills policeman.

Katt Williams’ crazy ass put the YOLO in Yolo County last Sunday when he smacked a Target employee. Right before he Katt slapped a dude, Katt Williams escaped arrest after leading police on a bizarre and hilarious three-wheeled motorcycle chase through the streets of Sacramento, CA. Katt shook the police off his tail and drove his three-wheeled motorcycle to Target. Surveillance footage, which was just released, shows Katt sashaying up to a Target employee and the two had words before he left his paw print all over that dude’s face. The Target employee picked up his phone and called the police. TMZ doesn’t know what the brawl of words was about, but I’m guessing Target was all out of red velvet leche and Katt wasn’t happy about it.

Katt wasn’t going to wait around to be arrested, so six seconds after the Target employee called 911, he jumped on an electric cart and rode on out of that bitch. This clip is some Monty Python-type buffoonery:

A mess. It’s only a matter of time before somebody sets that clip to Jay-Z’s “Ride Or Die.” Once Katt drove that electric cart out of the store, he ditched it and jumped on his getaway motorcycle. Katt was never arrested or charged with anything, but the Yolo County District Attorney’s office tells TMZ that they are investigating the slap down.

Katt led police on a low-speed chase, slapped a Target employee and escaped on a grandpa scooter. It was just another Sunday for the crackhead Hobbit. I was about to say that you know the bad shit has screwed your brain up bad when you think a Hoveround makes a good escape vehicle, but I can’t say that. I mean, Katt did get away, didn’t he?

OctoMom Is In Rehab

I know, that’s White Oprah’s trademarked parenting technique. LAWSUIT!

Anybody who has seen an OctoMom interview isn’t surprised that she’s hooked on Xanax (and possibly delicious vodka), because the crazy bitch talks like her brain just exploded and all the thoughts are pouring out of her mouth hole at once. TMZ says that OctoMom traded in her addiction to IVF for an addiction to pills and now she’s sitting in a Southern California rehab clinic to control her thirst for Xanax. OctoMom’s rep tells TMZ that she checked into Chapman House Rehabilitation Center over the weekend and left her entire child army with 3 nannies, 2 friends and 1 driver. Those 6 tortured souls will take care of OctoMom’s tribe of 14 chirruns while she’s dealing with some shit for the next 30 days. OctoMom’s rep said this:

“Nadya wanted to get off the Xanax she was prescribed by her doctor and learn to deal with her stress, exhaustion and anxiety with professional help with a team of doctors. Nadya wanted to deal with her issues and make sure she is the best mother she can be.”

OctoMom’s rep said that the rehab clinic is taking care of the bill even though she wanted to use some of her fap porn money to pay for it.

One of Octo’s former nannies, Gina B, tells Radar that Xanax isn’t her only mind number of choice. Gina says that Octo regularly guzzled from a water bottle filled with vodka and cranberry juice. Gina hasn’t ever seen Octo drive the child army around while she’s seven kinds of plastered, but Gina has heard stories about people stopping Octo from driving drunk.

OctoMom’s head is permanently pregnant with the crazy, but in her defense, if I had 14 screeching brats crawling all over me and begging for food all the time, I’d be fucked up on more than just Xanax. I don’t condone shooting heroin directly into your skull, but I do condone it if you have 14 kids to take care of on a fap porn star salary. I know OctoMom did this to herself and Child Protective Services should probably just call it a day by selling all of her kids in a Going Out of Business Sale, but it’s a miracle that she’s still lucid enough to know that the best way to skip out on all your responsibilities is to get an addiction to Xanax so you can take an all-expenses paid VACATION! Bitch still has one sanity cell left in her brain (no, she doesn’t).

OctoGROSS

What’s grosser than gross? No it’s not a joke, it’s this story I came across about Octomom. It’s disgusting enough that she forces us to think about her and sex at the same time with all of her nasty videos and Howard Stern appearances and pole dancing and other vomit inducing shit. But this story that I hope to hell is not true is, incredibly, far more disturbing than any of that stuff.

According to TMZ, a couple of her old nannies are throwing out allegations of child sexual abuse. Not that she abused her children, but that she allowed one of her boys to take one of her girls to the side where the nannies said he would touch her inappropriately. The nannies say that Octomom never tried to stop it, acted like it was no big deal, and they go on to talk about other neglect and abuse that they witnessed. Stay down, breakfast, stay down.

Octo says that the nannies are lying and I say HOLY FUCK I FUCKING HOPE SO. Ugh. All I know is if I ever want to abuse some kids, I’m taking my ass to Cali. CPS should just move the whole family into their facility so they can save themselves all the trips.

QOTD: The Older Members Of OctoMom’s Child Army Know About This

Officers from Child Protective Services who visit OctoMom’s future house of bad decisions, wherever that may be, might be wondering why Octo’s 11-year-old son stands in the corner with frozen eyes and a Magic Eraser in his hand that he uses to scrub the dark-sided images from his head. This is why. Octo tells Celebuzz (via Crushable) that she is completely honest with all fifty million of her kids and the older ones knows about her fap porn debut. I doubt they know that she hugged her clit with her fingers until her eyes rolled back, but they do sort of know that the piece of Wonder Bread they’re eating was bought with money she made from fucking her own body on camera. Octo puts it like this:

“I raise them in total honesty, so they’ll never have any resentment or harbor resentment when they grow up. They do [know] to a certain degree. They do not know the total details, but I raise them in total honesty.

They’re totally desensitized…our experiences allowed all of us to pull out strengths we didn’t know we possess.”

Octo truly is operating on a different frequency than the sane. Total honesty? I’m not a parent and I know that you’re not supposed to fill your children’s ears with the truth all the time. That’s just crazy bitch talk. If the world becomes an even more fucked up place by me becoming somebody’s dad, I’m so not going to tell them the truth. I’m going to lie to them all the time. It’s the best thing for everyone. “No, kid, I wasn’t drinking drunk juice while watching you and your little friends play in the park. It was grape juice and it was unsweetened, which is why I didn’t give you any. I don’t know why your friends told you that. They must have a disease that makes them lie all the time! I forbid you to see them anymore! Not really, but I’ve always wanted to say that.” “No, kid, I can’t buy you that candy. Did you know that every time a parent gives into their kid’s whines and buys them a candy at the checkout lane, a kitten gets diabetes?“

The only thing I won’t lie to my kid bout is the Santa thing. I won’t let some fake bitch get all the credit for me standing in a long ass line with a bunch of assholes at KMart on December 24th to buy some dumb toy.

That being said, it was good of Octo to tell her kids. When they go on the Internet and Google “How can I get a pack of wolves to adopt me?”, they’ll eventually somehow run into their mom’s self-fuck video. They’re going to find out anyway.

And when Octo tells her kids about her ear-murdering song, they’ll each respond by doing this:

Come Into OctoMom’s “Sexy Party”

Today’s theme is turning into “songs that’ll make your ear holes give birth to two terrifying bundles of bloody screams,” so let’s go all the way with this clip of OctoMom’s first (and hopefully for the sake of EVERYTHING, last) song called “Sexy Party,” which would make sense as a title if “sexy” was another word for “painful” and “party” was another word for “death.”

TMZ posted a clip of Octo’s latest attempt at #gettingmoneybitch and it’s as terrible as it’s cover and it’s totally the reason for why I have anal leakage. (Yes, it’s the reason for my anal leakage. I’m sticking to that. I’m sticking to other things too, but I’m mostly sticking to that right now.) The clip is short, so it won’t hurt that much, but it’s still the morning after pill of songs.

Auto-tune truly is the work of Lucifer, because it makes any and every fame whoring tone-deaf trick think they can throat fart out lyrics in a song. But you know, it could be worse, it could be another one of Farrah Abrawhatever’s songs. And did that bitch just name drop “Octoloan“?!