OctoMom Is Off The Rails Again, But Was She Ever ON The Rails To Begin With?

TMZ has a video from last year of an obviously plastered OctoMom cackling like a hyena on helium in a hotel room before checking herself into rehab. In the video, OctoMom is losing whatever mind she has left and going full Taylor Armstrong by hysterically laughing while rolling around on the bed. It’s like something you’d find in one of the rooms at the dance academy in Suspiria. It’s a nightmare. Shortly after that video was shot, OctoMom checked herself into rehab, checked out and told everyone she was one hundred percent clean. But apparently, she isn’t.

TMZ says that OctoMom has traded her love of pills for her love of weed. Octo got her weed card and has been toking up all day, every day. Octo’s friends say that smoking the good shit has opened up the beast and she’s acting insane again. They’re afraid that if she’s always high, she won’t be able to take care of her child army. Last month, Octo’s crazy ass called her son’s school in a panic, because he didn’t make it home and she was convinced the bus didn’t drop him off. The school talked to the bus driver who said that he saw Octo pick her son up from the bus stop with his own eyes. The good shit must’ve eaten away the part of her brain that controls her short-term memory, because ho forgot about picking her son up from the bus stop. He was in his room the entire time.

That shit reminds me of that hilariously sad moment on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills when Taylor Armstrong didn’t know where her daughter was. A drunk as shit Taylor called up Kyle to say that she couldn’t come to the unveiling of Kim’s nose, because some rich dude was taking her on an overnight trip. Kyle was taking care of Taylor’s daughter Kennedy at the time, so she asked, “So I guess I’ll just keep Kennedy overnight.” Taylor then said something like, “Oh, she’s with you?” The dumb bitch didn’t know where her daughter was!

Obviously, Taylor and OctoMom should open up a daycare center together.

If I had 14 kids to feed, clothe and take care of, I’d have a weed mask permanently strapped to my face and I’d lose them all the time. A week wouldn’t go by without me saying, “Hey, where’s #12? I left him back at the supermarket? Ugh, I’m not going to drive all the way back there. He’ll be fine, it’s about time he make it on his own anyway.” But that’s why I don’t have 14 kids!

Katt Williams Is The Gift That Keeps Giving And Giving And Giving And Giving…

LieLow better step up her fuck-up game, because Katt Williams is after her battered and bruised trophy. Just hours after he was released from jail for child endangerment charges, Katt hopped right back on the crazy train, hooked up with his manager Suge Knight and got his Keebler elf ass in a massive bar brawl. YES!!! THIS is how you celebrate the holidays RIGHT, bitches!

Actually, from the ass kicking video (a must see, along with his Target meltdown) you can see that Suge was the one who was throwing fists while Katt ran his ass behind a dumpster, as runt alley Katts are inclined to do when protecting the few lives they have left. Then Katt jumped in Suge’s SUV and Suge tried to mow down a parking lot full of people.

In yet another TMZ video, a guy is claiming that the SUV DID run him over and he wants Katt to pay for all his medical shit because his sawed off ass is the one who started the whole thing. The guy limped up to the reporters and said:

“Katt Williams is a punk. You talk shit and run? You a punk .. You taking all that shit, and you talk about you all that, and you run? Because of you, I got hit by the car!”

What a fucking mess. Hanging with Suge though, surely Katt didn’t expect to spend a lovely relaxing evening playing chess by the crackling fireplace while sipping Dom with his pinky extended. Dude doesn’t exactly have a reputation for keeping things calm and sophisticated.

TMZ (thanks TMZ for the one-stop shopping) also has video and a write-up from last night where a fresh out of the pokey Katt explains that his guns were on lock down and the illegal drug the cops are smoking in the evidence room as we speak was just weed, and not the hard shit. Um, okay Katt. Weed makes you too lazy to slap and run over tricks, you just want to eat them instead. But I guess we’ll take your word for it.

I don’t know why I wasted my Christmas bonus on toys for my kids when I could have just gotten them a Katt instead. He’s pocket sized and endlessly entertaining. Perfect. Thank you Katt, for making us all feel better about our lives and giving me something to write about besides Christina Hendricks’s hair. I hope you get your shit together, but I still have love for you.

Katt Nipped

Katt Williams, aka the lesser Flava Flav, is back in the news and no, not for his stand-up comedy act. He was arrested yesterday morning for endangering his CHIRRUNS by decorating their home with guns and illegal drugs for the holiday season instead of boring ass wreaths and candy canes. How festive, why didn’t I think of that? TMZ says the LAPD picked Katt up out of the litter box at his home in Woodland hills, threw him in a cold cell, and put his four kids in protective custody. They also say that “several items were seized from his home”. On an unrelated note, the LAPD is throwing a rave tonight, don’t miss it!

HUH. WHO. COULD. HAVE. GUESSED that this guy was doing illegal drugs?? I thought he just had a thing for flexing his Napoleon complex by slapping every ho (example 1, 2 and 3) who wouldn’t slap back for absolutely no reason. You learn something new! Sweet, now I can take “Gacked Out Unstable Midgets With Anger Management Issues” for $100.00, Alex.

He’s being held on $100,000.00 bond for (possible felony) child endangerment and since the IRS has also taped a lien on his forehead (his ass is too low to reach) for $4 million, I’m guessing he might be having a little trouble coming up with the cash. Little angry man, please. Just smoke some weed with Snoop, which is not a felony in Cali btw, stay away from the hard shit, take yourself down another notch (to the basement), CALM THE FUCK DOWN and take care of your kids. Your short stack ass is actually funny, don’t waste your talent on stupid shit.

Too bad Cops has been cancelled. I really would have loved to see him jumping up to bitch slap at an officer’s crotch.

Jamie Foxx Is Gay, So Says Katt Williams

Professional fuckery maker and the embarrassment of the Keeblers elves came out of retirement the other night to tell jokes at a show in Los Angeles and he used his time on stage to say he knows of a black movie star whose b-hole tingles for the peen. As Will Smith shook with nervousness right out of his panties, Katt Williams said that Jamie Foxx is a gay. Some people acted all shocked, but mostly everybody else let a “meh,” because the rumor that Jamie Foxx likes to squeeze peens with his luscious pecs has been around since the beginning of time. But Katt Williams went even farther by naming names.

HuffPo posted a video of Katt saying that Jamie is wrapping his Foxx hole around the dick belonging to singer Marcus Anthony who’s on his label. After Katt said that Jamie Foxx loves peen, he went on a rant about how he turned down a role in Django Unchained, because that shit is racist.

“Who’s gay? Jamie Foxx. I can even tell you the name of the dude he fucked. His name is Marcus Anthony; he’s the only dude signed to Jamie Foxx’s label. Check it out and then Twitter the dude and ask him to see if he’ll say yes. The dude told me backstage at a show and he told me I could bring him onstage and air it out. I said, ‘No, nigga, let me wait until I get to L.A.’

Fuck Jamie Foxx and the ‘Django Unchained’ check he cashed. They offered me the script and I said, ‘Any nigga that do this deserves to die. And the next thing I heard, Jamie Foxx was in makeup. I went to the set myself and I couldn’t believe it. I got a copy of the script. They gave me a copy of the script written in Spielberg’s hands. The words ‘fuck you, nigger’ appear one hundred and seventy six times in the script.”

And here’s the video if your eyes need that today:

The two most shocking parts of that video is that: a) Katt Williams actually showed up for a show and; b) Katt Williams had a mic in his hand and managed not to beat the brains out of his one of fans.

That’s One Way To Do A Mic Check, I Guess

During my first couple of weeks of preschool, I was a nightmare of a cunt child and I made it clear that I didn’t want to be there. I threw my shoes at walls and tried to escape whenever I had a chance. Eventually, the teachers refused to let me wear shoes and made me sit in the middle of them during story and nap time so I wouldn’t quit that bitch and run for the door. They should’ve had me arrested, honestly. My mom moved me to another preschool and then I was fine. (Note: My new-preschool had a giant Hot Dog and a giant Cinderella pumpkin in the playground, so I’m guessing that had something to do with why I suddenly decided to calm the shit down. Or my mom snuck weed in my morning peaches & cream oatmeal.) Anyway, Katt Williams should be put in a prison cell crib for continuing to spread the fuckery, but in the meantime they should take his shoes away and force him to sit between two preschool teachers at all times.

Katt has done a whole lot of foolish shit, including slapping a Target employee, during the past few weeks and you can add another one to the list. TMZ says that an audience member at Katt’s show in Seattle two Fridays ago has filed a $250,000 lawsuit against him for whipping him in the head with a mic. In the video, the angry leprechaun gets mad at Carlos Casto-Lin for recording his show. Katt sashays up to Carlos and says, “It could happen to you. Record me and see what happens to you. Go home and get your raggedy pistol and bring it back. I already got mine” before bopping him in the head with the mic. Carlos says he suffered a concussion and he won’t ever be able to calmly sit in the same room as a troll doll without fearing for his life.

The only thing that really surprises me about the video is that Katt was able to whoop that trick on the head with a mic. How was he able to do that? I didn’t see an assistant put a stepladder in front of Katt. I didn’t hear Katt ask for a lift. How did little ass Katt reach that dude’s head? Katt is magic! Yes, Katt uses his powers for evil, but he’s still magic.

Katt Williams Is Retiring From Stand-Up

Because everybody is announcing their retirement today, Katt Williams took his final bow as a stand-up comic on the streets of Seattle last night. Katt’s retirement comes after his three-week tour of fuckery. During the past three weeks, Katt did all of the following:

– The evil spirit of a Bad Girls Club cast member got into Katt Williams when he broke a bottle over someone’s head at a club in Oakland, CA.

– Katt Williams took Sacramento police on the most anti-climactic three-wheeled motorcycle chase ever.

– Katt Williams slapped a Target employee and escaped on your nana’s shopping scooter.

– Katt Williams attacked three of his fans after a show in Seattle.

– Katt Williams got kicked out of a sports bar in Seattle and was arrested after a woman got hit in the face with a lit cigarette he threw into her car.

Katt told KOMO News last night that he’s done with telling jokes on stage and he might stay in Seattle for a little while. Katt is trying to buy an old state ferry for $301,000 and he plans to stay there with his family until he’s done suing the city of Seattle for $50 million. Katt said:

“If they will accept our bid… I will take me and my whole staff on that boat because I still have a court date four days from now and can’t leave and I’ve been kicked out of four hotels in two days and I’ve been arrested by three different sets of officers four different times detained by two sets of officers. I can stay there [on the ferry] and my family can be there and my dogs can be there and my whole staff can be there until we get done suing Seattle for this $50 million that I want for crippling my reputation as a father and a black man and as a taxpaying citizen and as a person who is not a convicted felon.

This was a place I like to bring my kids and let them do stuff without people caring who they were. I got arrested in front my kids three times in my three days stay in Seattle… And all we were doing was coming into town to sell jokes and police department painted me as some sort of public menace that came to town.

I’m just gonna go ahead and announce my retirement from standup, I’m kinda done. I’ve discussed it with my kids, I wasn’t gonna do in the middle of a Seattle street, I was going to go to Los Angeles and do it in the offices of ICM or LiveNation.”

Never mind that they’re a different race and gender, but Lindsay Lohan and Katt Williams have to be the same person. Read that statement again in Lindsay Lohan’s voice and it makes even more sense. Spoken like a true Lohan. Either LiLo and Katt Williams are the same person or they’re closely related. I won’t say I told you so when The National Enquirer writes about the secret affair White Oprah had with the late Gary Coleman many years ago.

Yes, Katt needs to be 5150’d, but wearing that hot Kurt Cobain t-shirt is the sanest thing he’s done in a while.

(Thanks, Cormac)