If Jennifer Aniston’s team ever sees this picture, they’re going to make the same face she’s making. Because how could they allow her to be in the same picture as a bottle of water that isn’t SmartWater! She should fire their incompetent asses for that, honestly.
Christmas came 10 months early for tabloid editors yesterday when Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux announced that her second marriage, and his first marriage, is as done as I was about five minutes into Horrible Bosses 2. They said in their statement that they decided to hit the stop button their marriage late last year. In December, they were papped in Cabo San Lucas while vacationing with Jason Bateman and his wife Amanda Anka. UsWeekly says that they took that vacation, hoping that the cracks in their marriage would get filled with the fuck juices they’d squirt out while having tequila-fueled Band-Aid sex. But as everyone knows, that didn’t happen.
A source says that Amanda Anka is a regular Dr. Jenn, because she’s been working to save Jennifer and Justin’s marriage and pushed them to take a trip to Cabo to SAVE THEIR CRUMBLING MARRIAGE! Amanda thought that the trip might make their genitals coo out her dad’s song You Are My Destiny to each other, but instead they left singing It’s Time To Cry.
“Jason Bateman’s wife convinced Justin to go to Cabo. She has been the mediator in recent months, trying to get Jen and Justin to work through their problems and save their marriage. The Cabo trip was a make or break vacation for Jen and Justin. They went away with their friends hoping to have fun and work on it.
The guys and girls hung out separately in Mexico. It didn’t work.”
According to other sources, the only way their marriage could’ve been saved is if Amanda pulled some witchcraft shit and found a way to possess the body of Jennifer Aniston with that of a NYC-loving edgy hipster, or possess the body of Justin Theroux with that of a Hollywood lover. Sources tell Page Six, People, TMZ and E! News that Jennifer loves Hollywood while Justin loves NYC. Page Six’s source spit this out.
“They realized they couldn’t make things work. He’s been living in New York, she’s been in LA. After they got married, they just realized that they were two very different people. He’s really bored by her whole Hollywood crowd, and she’s not into his edgy, arty scene.”
E!’s source says that Jennifer is more of a “recluse” (HAHAHA) and that Justin likes to be in the scene, but they thought their intense love for each other would outweigh their lifestyle differences.
As for Jennifer’s $200 million fortune, a source tells UsWeekly that Justin isn’t going to get much of it. They apparently signed an “ironclad prenup” that keeps him from touching her assets and Friends money. TMZ’s source says that they haven’t hired divorce lawyers yet. They might follow the new trend in celebrity divorces by settling their money and property shit with help from their business managers before filing the divorce documents in court. That way all of the fighting and messiness stays behind closed doors.
And it could get extra messy, because if Jennifer’s like me, she’d fight for daily visitations rights of Justin’s pet crotch snake. But then again, Jennifer might not put up a fight as long as Justin agrees to take full custody of two-week-old crusty cum rag Terry Richardson.