Oh, Here’s Jessica Simpson Awkward Posing With A Golf Club While Wearing A Bathing Suit

On Instagram yesterday, Chestica Simpson let it be known that skinny Jessica Simpson is back!

Chestica turned into a human water tower full of amniotic fluid and buttered Pop Tarts when she got knocked up with Maxwell and right after she birthed out that kid, she got knocked up again, because being knocked up and filling your mouth hole with buttered Pop Tarts is so much funner than walking on a treadmill and eating mist to fulfill your Weight Watchers contract. Well, after months and months of walking on a treadmills until her legs broke and only eating Weight Watchers enchiladas made of her own tears and purified air, Jessica is skinny again.

Jessica spent a sliver of her Memorial Day awkwardly posing with a golf club next to an elegant column while wearing deranged bee sunglasses and ugly shoes that should’ve never been born. Jessica is sucking in so hard that I think I can hear one of her ribs break, but I have to give her credit, because she’s sucking in and making duck lips at the same time. That’s a real talent.

And if I got an Outback Bloomin’ Onion every time one of my bitch ass friends took my picture and screamed, “Suck in, whore!“, at me and I was sucking in, I’d be as big as a 16 months pregnant Jessica.

The Future President Of The United States And The Future First Lady At The Correspondents Dinner

The White House Corespondents Dinner (aka the event that Sarah Palin rage watches on TV every year like a lonely 11th grader sitting all alone in her car parked in the lot of the prom she wasn’t invited to)  happened in DC last night and it’s usually a real trash heap of an event filled with gutter skanks like Kim Kardashian, Lindsay Lohan and Spencer Pratt. But they decided to switch things up this year and bring in some real stars and beauty! Sure, there were still some hos there whose one brain cell would spit out an error 405  if you asked them to spell “correspondents” (see: Jessica Simpson), but the presence of ROJO CALIENTE made up for that!

Rojo Caliente blessed the WHCD with her glorious gingerness last night, because she’s in politics now and it’s only a matter of time before she’s voted in as President and moves into the White House (sorry, Hillary). Our future First Lady Cynthia Nixon was Rojo’s date and judging by that dress, we know her focus will be recycling when she moves into the White House. Because you know that ratty couch from the 60s your hoarding memaw just couldn’t let go of and put on the back porch where it became a bed to the raccoons who troll around her yard? Well, Cynthia Nixon ripped the fabric off of that back porch couch and used it to make the dress she wore last night.

Believe it or not, last night’s events weren’t canceled so that everyone could watch Rojo eat and slowly sip champagne. The events and jokes went on. Obama told jokes between two ferns!

And the poster child for good plugs Joel McHale told jokes too!

But the real entertainment came from watching the beige polyester panties of all the old people bunch up into their ass cheeks as they got highly offended by Joel’s jokes.

And here’s a few pictures from last night’s nerd prom including my best dressed of the night Rose McGowan who delivered some boudoir chic by wrapping a black silk sheet around a teddy.

Pics: Getty, Splash

Ashlee Simpson And Evan Ross Celebrated Their Future Divorce With An Engagement Party

If this is the engagement party, I cannot wait to see what kind of Stevie Nicks meets an upscale fabric store meets a coke-snorting Muppet mess their wedding will be like. I should start making the bingo card right now: vaguely-Native American feather headdress, fringe, a dress that looks like it smells like patchouli, exchanging healing crystals instead of rings, Papa Joe Simpson filling up his dance card with the phone numbers of every 22-year-old bartender, server, and valet (that’s the free square in the middle).

On Wednesday night, former singer/actress and current hair extension enthusiast Ashlee Simpson and her fiancé Evan Ross (who should legally change his name to Spawnofdiana Ross, because that’s all that matters in this life) made the mistake of a lifetime by throwing themselves an engagement party on the same day as Diana Ross’s 70th birthday. Oooooooh…Ashlee Simpson, you in danger, girl. You had 365 days to pick from and you decided to throw your cheap Coachella-looking engagement party on the 70th day of the birth of The Queen Supreme? Sure, Diana Ross probably acted like it was no big deal, but believe this: she’s deep in her lair, plotting the most exquisitely evil of wedding-day sabotage, as a crow sits on her shoulder squawking: “I’ll show you, you jig-dancing bitch.”

At least Jessica Simpson has enough working brain cells to know that it’s Diana Ross’s birthday first, engagement party second; which is exactly why she came dressed up as a backup dancer:

Pics: Twitter, Instagram

Jessica Simpson Says She’s Back Down To Pre-Baby Weight

Jessica Simpson is six months postpartum after popping out baby number two with fiancé Eric Johnson and in an interview with USA Today (via USWeekly), Jess shilled for her non-human BFF Weight Watchers. She said the weight came off much easier this time and that she’s already down to her pre-baby weight (which I might buy if her posture in the picture above didn’t scream, “Oh no, the Spanx are gonna blow!!!“) with a little help in the kitchen and regular exercise.

“I saw the results really quickly,” she tells the paper of her success on Weight Watchers’ “Simple Start” plan and “PointsPlus” plan. It helps, of course, that she has “somebody who comes in and helps out” with the food preparation. “I do want to make sure I stick with the right recipes, and obviously my schedule is a little jam-packed,” she explains.

One thing she has gotten very good at? Fitting exercise into her daily routine. “With both kids, I’m running up and down my stairs a million times,” she tells USA Today of son Ace, almost 6 months, and daughter Maxwell, 19 months. “Kids can keep your metabolism going.”

She’s also been working out with celeb trainer Harley Pasternak four days a week for 45 minutes. And she and Johnson take long walks together, too. “I try and walk about four miles a day consistently,” she says. “It makes me feel better…Working out and being active overall makes me a happier person to be around.“

I feel a little sorry for Jessica. Because she has a private chef, she’s missing out on all the low-rent frozen meal magic Weight Watchers Smart Ones have to offer! They are easy to make and completely filling as long as you eat at at least five of them. If you’re worried about it fitting into your points allowance, just calculate your PointsPlus in dog years and multiply that by your goal weight. Voilà! Diet math!

It’s very touching to see Eric takes some time out of his long days of enjoying Jess’s money to put on his walking harness and get some exercise with her. It’s also good news that Jess has discovered what stairs are for and doesn’t treat her kids the same way she did laundry back in her Newlyweds days. Then again, if Jessica stayed upstairs and just chucked the kids over the railing in a tight spiral down to Eric, maybe he could use the training to get his ass a job playing football in an arena league somewhere instead of being a kept man.

(Pic: Splash)

Your Daily Dose Of ‘Harpo, Who Dis Woman?’

I stared at this picture for a long ass time and I’m still not sure what the hell is going on here. At first, I thought it was Courtney Stodden after her hot air balloon titties gave up the limelight and migrated to her back , then I realized that even though the hair is a little ratty looking, it wasn’t harvested from a hobo living in Fraggle Rock, so it can’t be her.

It turns out when Jessica Simpson isn’t traipsing through a damn field to sing the praises of Weight Watchers, she’s lounging poolside is some Big-Tittied Frog Rorschach Test, which I obviously failed. I don’t need a therapist to tell me that seeing back boobs before giving up and wishing the guy in the photo would turn just a little so I can gauge the package situation means I have issues.

USWeekly says the photo shows her getting ready to shoot ads for the Jessica Simpson Collection, which will probably be fucked so hard by Photoshop they’ll get pregnant and demand child support from Adobe. They should hurry, it’s only a matter of time before Jessica trips and lands on her man’s dick again and births out another kid she can sort of name after a beloved zoo animal. I vote for Panda Cam Johnson.

Here’s Jessica in Studio City yesterday. She looks pretty good, and that’s my say something nice for the day.

(Photos: Instagram, Splash)

Ace Knute Makes His Magazine Cover Debut

Jessica Simpson is old-fashioned and figures why post a picture of your 2-month-old baby on Instagram and Twitter for free when you can make that money by selling pictures of your newborn baby’s face to UsWeekly? Papa Joe taught her well.

While wearing the white lace table runner that my tia bought from a beach vendor in Rosarito Beach, Mexico, Jessica Simpson poses with her 15-month-old daughter Maxwell and her newborn kid Ace Knute on the cover of UsWeekly. SO MUCH WHITE! It looks like a Norwegian ad for cotton. Maxwell looks kind of tall for a 15-month-old, but then again she was up in Jessica’s womb for about 3 years.

Jessica tells UsWeekly that she gave birth to Ace Canoe via a scheduled C-section and she also said that she’s kind of done with making babies:

“Pregnancy is a lot. It was hard to do two so close together. I have this huge sense of accomplishment, and I feel in my heart that I’m done. But obviously, accidents do happen!”

“Mommy, how did I get here?” – Ace Canoe “Obviously, accidents do happen!” – Jessica

So that’s why Whatshisname Johnson wasn’t in the picture. I thought it was because nobody gives a shit about him, but it’s because he was crying in the corner after Jessica said that she’s done with birthing out babies. If Jessica never gives birth to another baby again that means she’ll never buy Whatshisname a $42,000 “push present” again.

And Ace Knute is barely 2 months old and even he’s trying to figure out what Miley’s doing. That double down-eye says it all.