Well, That’s One Way To Get Hepatitis

Zoe Saldana, one-time beard of Bradley Cooper, the blue chick from Avatar, and most importantly, Kit from Crossroads, was on the SiriusXM radio show Sway in the Morning (which sounds like it should be hosted by Delilah and ONLY Delilah) to promote Rosemary’s Unwanted Remake and confessed to the nastiest place she’s had sex. And when I say nasty, I mean N-A-S-T-Y-aren’t-you-at-the-clinic-right-now-getting-a-million-tetanus-shots?

Zoe says that she’s had sex in a plane (then again, who hasn’t) and that the craziest place she’s gotten her rocks off has been on the New York City subway, which doesn’t sound so crazy if you’ve ever ridden the subway in a large city (raise your hand if you have to use your toes to count the number of times you’ve seen two crust punks tenderly dry humping under a trash bag). But it’s where on the train she got her fuck on that makes you truly question Zoe’s sanity:

“Okay this is ghetto, but hey I’m from Queens so whatever. There is a train from Coney Island [New York] all the way back into the city, and it was between two train cars. It was super ghetto. But I’m a lady now.”

You’ve got to be hornier than a teenage squirrel at squirrel prom to agree to fuck between the cars on a train. Forget the fact that it’s New York and that just breathing the air in some places will give you HPV of the lungs (mostly the area surrounding Lindsay Lohan’s apartment). I’m actually more concerned that she pressed her parts against all those filthy gears and grimy doors. You know when they do those swab tests on Dr. Oz that shows there’s more fecal bacteria on your cellphone than inside of a dog’s mouth or butthole or whatever? Now imagine what they’d find if they swabbed the area between two train cars. Spoiler alert! Rat feces. They’d find tons of rat feces.

I’m guessing she didn’t get her Coney Island fuck-on with Bradley Cooper (he’s too much of a lady), but by the looks of her fancy hobo husband Marco Perego and that scraggly filthy-looking hair nest, something tells me he’d be cool with it.

Pics: Splash, Wenn

James Franco Admits He’s Kissed Lindsay Lohan, But That’s It (Uh Huh)

One-half of one of my favourite train wrecks of all time James Franco was on Howard Stern’s radio show Wednesday morning, where he once again said that inclusion of his name on Lindsay Lohan’s list of contaminated penises is either typo or a Lohan Lie (it’s a special kind of lie, laced with delusion and coke dust) and he swore up and down on his mother’s life that he NEVAH stuck his jizz joint in her coke clam. However, MTV says he did admit to doing something just as risky and dangerous as rubbing genitals with that contaminated crazy; he kissed her ON THE MOUTH. I just held my mouth in a tight embrace and reassured it I would never do something so careless and irresponsible.

“I will swear on anything you ask that I have never had sex with Lindsay Lohan. All right, we maybe kissed. It was lame. I can’t believe she put me on that private list, she’s so delusional!”

“When we made out it was so long ago. I was like a nice guy,” he said, recalling that their make-out happened when he was filming Spider-Man 2 in New York in 2004. “‘Okay [I said], the kiss is enough.’ It was also like, ‘What the hell am I doing?’ She was young.”

How young? Well, back in Spider-Man 2 times, Lohan was 17 or 18-years-old, and James Franco would have been around 26, which isn’t the worst, but any pairing that might get a thumbs-up from Wilmer Valderrama should always a bit of a red flag. Franco then reminded Howard about all the times she tried to bone him at the Chateau Marmont, adding this new Alex Forrest-y detail:

“She even broke into my room one time. I was on the couch and opened my eyes and there’s Lindsay in my room at 3 am.”

And I’m sure that’s when “nice guy” James Franco told her to close her legs, gave her a mug of warm milk, and sent her back to her own bedroom. Listen James, you want to convince us you never slept with Lindsay Lohan? It’s simple, really: just show us your penis. If it’s not covered in a weird freckled rash, smells like cheap self-tanner, and has an orange polyester hair extension tangled around the base, then you’re off the hook. You can send the pictures to either Michael K or myself (preferably myself).

PRAISE BE! There Will Be No Pimp Mama Kris Koochie In Playboy!

But don’t go cancelling that order of eyewash bleach just yet. Pimp Mama Kris may not be doing Playboy, but she’s said nothing about Hustler, Penthouse, Juggs, Greasy Grandmas, Sluts of Satan, Viper Vadge, and Plastic Clownface MILFs Monthly. For now, though, let’s just celebrate the little miracle that is no Pimp Mama Pussy in Playboy.

According to E! Online, the owner of Kris’s Klassy Kall-Girls and the reason why Satan invented the term “Let it go to voicemail” actually did something to positively impact society when she gave an interview to KIIS FM’s Kyle and Jackie O Show and dispelled the awful, stomach-churning rumor that she would be following in her daughter’s footsteps by flashing her gash for cash in Playboy:

“Oh my God, no! I don’t think anybody wants to see me without any clothes on.”

For a woman who’s native language is Lies, these are the truest words she has ever spoken. Besides, there’s only one member of the Kardashian family of lost souls who’s able to serve the body-ody-ody needed for Playboy, and that’s Bruce Jenner. But that will never happen because Playboy is for ratchet hookers like Kim, not stunning land mermaids like Brucie.

And because this is Kris we’re talking about, she couldn’t get through the interview without mentioning the upcoming wedding of her bottom bitch (which is currently being billed as “A Celebration of Our Most Depraved Whores” in Hell):

“I don’t know about a plan. I said, ‘Let me do this, let’s do that, and I’d love to give you a party,’ and she said, ‘Mom, we just want to have it be a big surprise and we want you and everyone else to relax. You worked so hard the last time that we’re really excited to show you how it’s done in one of the cities we live in.'”

Kim then added: “Don’t worry mom, you’ll have plenty more weddings to plan for me and make money off of. I guarantee it.”

Pic: Instagram

I Hope All Their Shots Are Up To Date

I don’t know if this story is real or just something cooked up by Clorox to boost sales of bleach, but Us Weekly is reporting that Miley Cyrus and Jared Leto might be doing it. And by it, I mean rubbing their grimy, sweaty stank parts together on a pile of crusty underwear (you know they’re the type). A source says that the two had a sleepover at Jared’s house in early February and they’ve been hooking up ever since.

I’m sure you’re asking yourself: “Besides 9 out of 10 stamps on their Free Clinic loyalty card and the weird skin rash you get from being in the same room as Terry Richardson, what the fuck would 21-year-old Miley and 42-year-old Jared have in common?” Oh, lots of things! Dry shampoo, drop-crotch pants, My So-Called Life (“I’m just so into the 90s, y’all!” – Miley). But the source says they’ve also bonded over the following:

“They like to have a good time, they love to talk about art and music, and they’re both comfortable with nudity!”

I should hope so. Have you ever fucked on someone, and immediately after you finish they scream “DON’T TURN ON THE LIGHTS!!” and start sprinting around the room like a goddamn cum-covered Usain Bolt searching for their underwear? It’s a major bummer. No, what really concerns me is the kind of music the lead singer from 30 Seconds to Mars and the person responsible for Love Money Party are talking about. I’d literally rather picture their bare asses twerking on a trash bag filled with used bandaids than listen to more than 5 seconds of them repetitively asking each other: “How dope is this track? It’s totally dope, right?”

Justin Bieber Is “Un Papacito” In Bed, So Says Some Panamanian Hooker

A Panamanian pussy peddler calling a Canadian fetus “daddy” is probably all you need to put on a snorkel and dip your entire head in a huge pot of boiling ammonia. I’ll join you in a second.

The Panamanian newspaper Cronicas (via Gawker) supposedly talked to a prostitution whore-ah who supposedly boned Justin Bieber after meeting him at a club in Panama City last week.  The hooker, who wouldn’t spit out her name (because nobody wants to admit to fucking the maple syrup jizz out of the Biebs), said that she and 9 other ladies went back to his hotel at around 3 in the morning (aka waaaay after his bedtime). Biebs and the hooker smoked a little weed, he made out with her “nose and face” and then he asked her the most ridiculous and romantic thing he’s ever asked a Panamanian hooker:

“Me decía en inglés que si quería todo su semen, pero yo no entiendo inglés.Mi compañera me estaba traduciendo.”

Translation: “He asked me in English if I wanted all of his semen, but I don’t understand English. My friend was translating.”

HAHAHAHAHAHA. I love how Justin Bieber acts like he can actually produce semen. I also love how she’s got a translator with her. Any good international hooker should have a translator on hand who will pop up between her and her john to let her know that he wants to give her some jizz.

She went on to say that they fucked for about an hour, he had her in all kinds of positions, his dick is medium-sized, the sex was amazing and he came on her tits. Afterward, he gave her $500 and drove her back to the club. She didn’t go to his concert the next night, because: a) she had already been humiliated enough and; b) she had to work and she “was with him, which is much better than a concert.”

It’s hard to swallow this story (I will never forgive myself for that pun), because I can NOT believe that the Biebs is “amazing” at sex and can go for an hour. I’d believe her if she said the sex was awkward, his bodyguards had to carry him into her pussy, he lasted for about 15 seconds and afterward, he told her to stroke his hair while he sucked his thumb and silently weeped to himself. He gave her $500 and a bonus after he shit the bed while they spooned. That’s the only story I’ll believe.

And here’s Papacito Bieber performing in Puerto Rico over a week ago.

Pics: Splash

Sean Penn Gets Off On Watching Julia Roberts Eat

While looking like Alf’s busted, creepy, drunk uncle who always gets kicked out of restaurants for giving the shocker to lady servers, Sean Penn presented Julia Roberts with the Hollywood supporting actress award (for August: Osage County) at the Hollywood Film Awards in L.A. last night. During his drunken, messy speech, Sean, who looks like a German Shepherd’s swollen testicle (do not Google that), told the audience that one of Julia’s talents is that she looks sexy while chomping on food in front of a camera. Eat, Pray, Love is like hardcore porn to Sean Penn. Julia Roberts does have the 9″ dick of teefs, so if you’re going to get off from watching someone eat, I guess it’d be her. As audience members tried to keep their food down from thinking of Sean jacking it to Julia nibbling on a carrot, he said this:

“[She] is one of the select group of actresses who can make on-screen eating sexy … I could watch her eat … for hours on end, even if the food got stuck in her teeth. I want her to make an eating movie in 3-D, but the interactive supplies not only the 3-D glasses, but also a virtual toothpick with which I could collect souvenirs correcting my insomnia with the comfort of those virtual morsels kept carefully beneath my pillow.”

Nasty fuck! Keep your NOT RIGHT fetishes to yourself, Sucio Penn! I’ve seen some nasty, filthy, dark-sided shit (see: pretty much every show on TLC) before, but nothing is grosser and nastier than picturing Sean Penn playing himself while licking his TV screen as Julia Roberts chews on a piece of pizza in slow motion.

When you get really stoned with a friend and eat cheeseburgers together, you probably ask them if you can give them a hand job. That’s normal behavior! But when Sean and Julia get stoned together, he probably asks her if he can suck the half chewed hamburger meat out of her horse teeth. Sean Penn wants be reincarnated as Julia Roberts’ toothpick. That gross, kinky piece of trash!

Pics: Wenn.com